What Do You Mean I Haven’t Said Yes?

There Are Two Different Kinds of “Yes”

I typed in the word “yes,” and surprisingly, Unsplash only gave me 164 photos to choose from. Wow! For such a common word! Positive word! How come they’re only one hundred and sixty-four photos to choose from? I was thinking more of a thousand or so.

I guess…we don’t say “yes” as often as we think we do. Or, do we say “yes” to the Yes in our lives more often than we say “yes” to the Not-So- Yes in our lives? I know I might lose you here. But, say “yes” to this one! Stay around, and you might understand what I meant…

I am responding to a prompt from Luba Sigaud, “The Happy Human” publication, “ If you could recommend one book that had a profound effect on your happiness and well-being, what would it be and why?” I like the prompt because it gives me direction. I like the prompt because it provides a challenge: choosing only one book that profoundly affects me.

I like the prompt because it gives me direction is the “yes” to my comfort zone.

I like the prompt because it provides a challenge is the “yes” to my exploring outside my comfort zone.

Have I said “yes” in my life? I have! To one kind of “yes” more than the other kind of “yes.”

I love Shonda Rhimes. I love her creativity. I fell in love with her works…from the setting, the choice of casts, the name of her shows, the plots, and how she relates with words in her book and scripts. Her words feel genuine and relatable. I could see her narrating her book in real life, maybe when she meets with her friends for dinner or at a Thanksgiving table with her family.

“Year of YES: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun, and Be Your Own Person.”

I have a digital version, a paperback version, a hard copy version, shared it as gifts to friends, had used bits and pieces of it for my class. It is one of the books that I call “my library.” One of those books that invade my space, my life immensely.

Shonda: “ Hello: I’m Old and I like to Lie (A Disclaimer of Sorts)”

Me: I could relate to both factors: I’m not young (no, I refused to use the word old). I like to lie — not dishonest, not untruthful, not in that context. I need to “lie” so I can be truthful.

Shonda: “My brain? My brain naturally just leans in the direction of half truths; my brain turns toward fiction” ( Rhimes, x)

Me: This is how I empathize, understand, feel, and function in life. I write a script in my head, fill-in it with characters; create a plot; choose a setting; write a story.

Shonda: “Making stuff up is responsible for everything — everything I’ve done, everything I am, everything I have. Without the tales, the fiction, the stories I’ve spun, it is highly likely that right now, today, I’d be a very quiet librarian in Ohio.” (Rhimes, xi)

Me: Absolutely! Since I was four, I imagined being a teacher. Since I was ten, I imagined a life without being in the office for eight hours and dressing in suits, being surrounded by books, writing and thinking, and having pastries while reading and writing ( I didn’t like coffee then). Since I was thirteen, I imagined a life with everlasting warmth but not marriage. Since I was fifteen, I have wanted to go to certain universities and receive my doctorate. And it went on. Those tales and imaginations put me where I am now.

Delores, Shonda’s sister: “You never say yes to anything” ( Rhimes, 2)

Me: ???!!! ??!! ?!— meaning: “What?” “NO!” “Really?” “F**k! That has some truth!” Come on now, Eko! Okay! That has A LOT of truth!

The first time I read the book, the sentence didn’t startle me. I thought it was more about Delores saying it to Shonda. It’s not about me! I should’ve stopped on that page. I continued. I took notes on my thoughts as I read. I finished the book. Loved it!

Then, I thought about and read my notes. I thought about Delores’ words. I thought of their significant impact on Shonda. I thought about Shonda’s life. She has an amazing life. She worked hard to get where she wanted. Then, I realized…

The Thanksgiving Day when Delores said, “You never say yes to anything,” was in 2013, which means Shonda Rhimes was famous then. In 2007, she was on the “Time 100” list by “Time” as one of the world's one hundred most influential people. (I got this fact from Wikipedia). Her works were well known.

I was startled!… I had to reread the book! I did! I saw it clearer! It wasn’t about Shonda’s accomplishments and life only.

It was about me! Delores didn’t mutter the statement to Shonda only….She muttered it to me as well.

The book, the statement became personal. I reread the book four times and maybe will do it again in the near future. I wrote reflections: the progress and the stagnant. It continues….

I thought I said “Yes” too easily. I felt I had to learn to say “No” more often. Apparently, I wasn’t too accurate with that statement! My horoscope for the week, which I checked this morning, said, “…a kind vow to yourself: that you will only say yes to what is within your capacity in this current moment, no matter how urgent the matter to someone else.” (I believe in horoscopes and Angel Numbers! They offer me calm and peace).

From the journey with the book, I discovered there are two different kinds of “YES.” To choose happiness, I need to balance the two.

The first “YES” is the kind that I have been conditioned with. It is to please others; it is to make amends; it is to prevent arguments; it is to be comfortable within others’ comforts. It is to make me smile, laugh, and say, “I know you can deal with it!”

This kind of yes offers me happiness because I am comfortable. I am happy to see others happy. I am happy because there is no conflict. No conflict means no issues, right? I am happy because I don’t have to be a bad guy. I am happy because I am doing what I like to do. I am happy because I am grateful for what I have. And, often, I am happy because I am proud to endure my dissatisfaction, my unhappiness. They say what doesn’t kill you strengthens you, right?

This is great! I mean, I am grateful for what I have. I know that I am getting what I want in life and still building towards my own tale.

No! That is not enough. The comfort zone “yes” is acceptable to a certain degree, to a certain level of growth within me. Then, it’s like Maslow’s theory of the law of diminishing returns; it hits the flatness, the equilibrium, the number zero. It is no longer fine. It is not about the saying ‘yes’. Shonda’s words nudged me. It is about opening up my Pandora’s box…

I wrote about “Question?: A Good Place To Start”, which has to do with acknowledging the importance of dwelling with questions. Please know this is not to promote myself. This is to accentuate my journey conquering my comfort “yes.”

The other kind of yes offers me permission to dwell and find the answer to my questions. Pandora’s box is opened, no going back, so…I have to be brave to take the items out of the box, one by one. To examine it. To admire it. To embrace it. To question it. To answer it. To live it. To conquer it. At times, to surrender to it.

The second “YES” guides me to who I become. My commitment to this yes makes my life happy in a way that it is complete. It is complete within the imperfection and incompleteness of life. It is the one that makes me…

say yes to keep on writing and publishing…

say yes to my inner child and feed it with more playing time…

say yes to trust and look for possibilities…

say yes to take my website more seriously…(I have one, not following it up)…

say yes to say “no” to others when I don’t want it or when I am not ready…

say yes to preserve my boundaries faithfully…

say yes to assess my boundaries accordingly…

say yes to my pride in what I have achieved, the work I do for and within me…

say yes to saying more “yes” to both, the ones that I am comfortable with and the ones that challenge me…

Most importantly…

I say yes to the keep on searching for the “balance” within me and acknowledges that an equilibrium zone does not necessarily mean balance…

“Year of YES: How To Dance It Out, Stand In The Sun, And Be Your Own Person” has invaded my space, “within” and “without.” It profoundly affects how I see, feel, and want to be happy. It offers me a journey, and it might last a lifetime…no! I am sure it lasts a lifetime!

Note: Medium is a well-known publication. So, here I am saying ‘yes’ to this chance: Shonda Rhimes, are you writing with us? First, thank you for this journey! Second, if you aren’t writing with us, I hope you will one day!

Yes!…to a couple of great writings in Medium…

Lucy Socha “Teach A Man to Fish and He’ll Eat Forever?” It is me saying yes to a dilemma of “empower” and “enable.” Which one is more ethical?

Karen Schwartz “If You’re Waiting For a Thank You, You’ve Missed The Point Of Giving.” I say yes to dwell on the importance of thank you, when is the right time to say it, the right to ask for and expect it. What do we do with “thank you?”