If You’re Waiting For a Thank You, You’ve Missed the Point of Giving

Maybe it’s time to move on.

I remember doing things that were out of sorts for pure enjoyment. Engaging in activities like writing backwards with my less dominant hand in school and eating spaghetti with my fingers made being a kid fun, but not necessarily proper.

Fast forward to my married years, I had a British father-in-law who changed all that by reminding his grandchildren to use their utensils and to keep their elbows off the dinner table. It was my job to remind them always to use their manners.

Teaching children to follow rules of civility isn’t a bad thing. We move farther through life when we treat people well and do the right thing. Good behaviour should always count for something, but who gets to decide what’s right and wrong?

I loved doing simple tasks as a child, but that meant the world to the recipient. So it wasn’t odd for me to shop for groceries for the elderly or walk their dog. I found early on that when you perform acts of kindness, you help the other person and help yourself feel good, too.

There weren’t too many days that went by when those people didn’t reciprocate in kind. Although I never asked for money, they showered me with milk and cookies or a handful of candies outside of payment for the goods. Through this gesture, I learned kind acts bring about acts of gratitude and hearing thanks.

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.” — G.K. Chesterton.

Receiving thanks was double-edged in a win-win sort of way. The gesture then made me feel grateful and left me feeling equally inspired.

My parents taught me right. When someone does something nice, it’s best to say thank you. It’s the civil thing to do.

But is there a right or wrong way to say thanks and a right or wrong way to receive it?

As my sixtieth birthday approached, when I saw my mother, she handed me a pink envelope before the day — two weeks in advance. As we made the exchange, I said, “thank you.” There was no big hoopla or ceremony, just an acknowledgment of receipt as I tucked it away. When I got home, I placed it on the wall unit and forgot about it.

My birthday came and went while the card remained unopened.

One day, while I scanned the room, I noticed the pink tinge on the shelf. Oh no, the card, I thought. I had forgotten all about the envelope. As I opened the hand-picked card, the one spoken from a mother to a daughter with a gift inside, I felt immediate gratitude.

With no time to waste, I picked up the phone, called my mother and said, “thank you.” But was I too late? Was it my duty to have thanked her on my birthday? What did she think when the call never came?

Maybe saying thank you when she gave me the card was enough? I had said it after all. But I hadn’t said it for the gift, or once I saw the card with its wonderful message.

When is giving thanks enough — can we ever skip the formality? Can you ever say it too much?

“The heart that gives thanks is a happy one, for we cannot feel thankful and unhappy at the same time.” — Douglas Wood.

And what about when you’re the giver? Is it okay to expect a thank you, or is it prudent to give and then let go?

If we have expectations, it often leads to anguish. When we let go of expectation, we won’t feel disappointment.

Over the years, I’ve given gifts. Sometimes I’ve handed them to the recipient; other times, it’s changed hands through a third party. In recent years, I’ve harped on the fact many people I’ve given gifts to have never offered thanks — not on the day slated for opening or after that.

Today, as I write this observance, there is a need for acknowledgment that I presume will never come unless I ask for it.

I feel ashamed. I know that giving was the blessing — to need praise and acknowledgment is a flaw of mine from within. When I offered the gift, I felt the happiness of giving. That should be enough. When we’re left wanting, it’s the perfect time for us to reflect and to fix what’s unbalanced inside.

I may never know why I never received the thank you.

Perhaps the recipient got busy and forgot, or the gift wasn’t something they wanted. Maybe they thought they had done it after first receiving it and didn’t think it needed mentioning when they opened it.

I can’t change their behaviour, I can only alter mine. There are choices. I can stop giving gifts in the future or stop looking for outside reinforcements.

All the people I gave the gifts to are exceptional people. I know I shouldn’t track whether their actions are right or wrong, and I should move forward — rather than look back.

In the future, I will give a gift and feel the pleasure of giving with no strings attached because it’s the relationships that truly matter.

With gratitude, it all boils down to this.

I am “so very grateful, incredibly thankful, unbelievably blessed” to have them in my life and to be honest, isn’t that thanks enough?