What Do You Do When You Get Called Out?

Ask an Ally: Since #MeToo and more recently, the horrific murder of Sarah Everard in the UK, more men are stepping up, admitting they are the problem and calling out other men.

By Animah Kosai

This is a series of posts designed to help people approach diversity and inclusion. These are questions and scenarios we’ve actually heard or seen in the wild. This is part of our corporate programming for Diversity, Equity and Inclusion. For more information, click here.

Question: My best mate told me off for joking about women. What’s got into him? He used to be fun. It’s bad enough that the women are attacking me. I thought he had my back.

He’s still your best mate. You know why? Because he cares enough to call you out. Since #MeToo and more recently, the horrific murder of Sarah Everard in the UK, more men are stepping up, admitting they are the problem and calling out other men.

I am sure you’re a good guy and would never beat up a woman. You care about the women in your life and would do anything to protect them.

Wait…. what are you protecting them from?

Other men?

“Those are violent men, they’re not like me!” you cry.

How are they different from you?

“They don’t respect women. I do,” you say.

If a man respects a woman, he cares about what she faces, what she experiences.

That sexist joke you just cracked, your sexual banter, your remark that objectifies women makes women feel humiliated, fearful, offended and hurt. They don’t tell you because you’d laugh at them or dismiss their feelings, making them feel worse. Sometimes they laugh along because it’s the survival trick they’ve learnt to stay part of your group.

But everyone cracks jokes about women. Stop with the woke culture!

When a culture accepts that sexist jokes are normal, it “others” women, makes them feel less than men, and men believe that too. When men consider women as lower in value, it’s easier for them to justify harming them physically and sexually. You might think this is more pervasive in more conservative cultures. In reality, it’s pervasive everywhere, and most certainly in the West. You can read more about rape culture here.

As you’re reading this, you’re thinking, “but I’ve never raped or hit a woman”. But you live in a culture where some men do. These men grow up seeing how women are objectified and laughed at as a joke. It’s a fundamental shift, but you can do your part to stop it.

That’s what your best mate is doing.

I know it’s way harder being called out than calling someone out.

You know you’re a good guy, so when someone says, “hey bro, that’s not cool, don’t speak about women like that,” you’re likely to get angry.

What, you calling me a bad guy? Hey I love women!

Or if a female colleague were to say your joke was sexual harassment, you’d get pissed.

I was just joking. I’m one of the good guys!

PAUSE

Ok, let’s just pause and LISTEN to what your mate or your colleague just told you.

For your female colleague, this is real for her. She has been harmed by similar words before, but instead of thinking about how she’s feeling, you’re defending your ego.

Now this is natural. You’re human. We all want to be liked and accepted. When someone challenges this, our default setting is to get defensive.

But it’s not my fault!

*Note: this is when we can get carried away and in our dire need to prove it’s not our fault, we lash out and blame someone else, most likely the woman who dared…

So drop the defensiveness and LISTEN. Listen to them tell you why what you did was harmful.

It’s hard I know. There’s a lot to process and it’s not going to happen on the spot. So for the time being ACKNOWLEDGE that you said the wrong thing, even if you are still trying to understand it.

That de-escalates the situation. But it doesn’t end there for you. You will quite naturally REFLECT.

What just happened?

What exactly did I say was wrong?

If you don’t know why, ask your mate, and as he speaks, keep an open mind.

If it was a woman who called you out, you can ask if she’s willing to explain. Be mindful. It’s draining to educate you while she’s still processing her feelings following your hurtful words. Don’t put that burden on her. Ask someone else — not to validate you and agree that “she’s just too sensitive”, but someone who can give you her perspective.

Part of REFLECTING is empathy. You will never understand the lived experience of a woman. But you can chose to listen when they speak about their experiences. Listening means truly listening. Not centering yourself with your suffering or asking them why they behaved a certain way. Listen without interrupting. Without judging.

The more you do this, you’ll think back on how you have behaved in the past. This is not pleasant. You’re likely to feel shame and regret. You might want to “fix it’ and want to approach other women you hurt. Please don’t. That can re-traumatise them. This isn’t about making yourself feel better, or making that shame go away. It’s part of you. You’re not all good. No one is.

This is about you moving forward and your GROWTH. When you next feel that desire to crack that joke, stop and think about the impact you have — on women in your office, women in your life, and other men… who could really hurt women.

When your best mate or your female colleague called you out, they gave you a valuable gift: GROWTH. You can chose to accept it and grow — and with it, make a positive impact in women’s lives.

You become more aware of yourself as you catch yourself not cracking a sexist joke. You begin to see that they are not funny. You begin to see how harmful they are.

No, you are not losing your sense of humour. You’re reclaiming your humanity. It was always there. Just waiting for someone to call you out.

Then you begin calling other men out because you know they’re human too. That’s your gift to them. And when they look at you in shock, “I thought you had my back,” you know that journey and you hope they make the harder choice.

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The story was previously published on The Good Men Project.

About Animah Kosai

Animah Kosai runs Speak Up At Work and The Speak Up Collective — in helping organisations co-create safe, inclusive and vibrant work environments. She hangs out with Mark Greene and Charles Matheus of Remaking Manhood, and former British police officers Jonathan Wilson and Nick Inge — all of whom are committed to calling out men and helping them navigate this brave new #MeToo world at work and in society. Follow her on Twitter and LinkedIn.