We Shouldn’t Rely on Our Children for Our Old Age Care, There Are Alternatives

A reflection on the Japanese TV show Tokyo Dokushin Danchi

Japanese dramas always get too real, in a good way.

The 2019 TV drama Tokyo Dokushin Danshi (Tokyo Bachelors) stars 3 successful single men in their late 30s-40s. They live, work and hang out in the most prestigious area of Tokyo. There are many beautiful hot girls scouting them as potential husbands, yet, they remain single.

It’s pretty fun to be a bachelor. Hitting the fanciest parties, meeting the cutest ladies and remaining unattached and free.

However, sweet dreams don’t always last. The drama starts at the point when a serious family burden has caused one of these bachelors to reconsider his bachelor status.

This has everything to do with how with structure old people care, not only in Japan but all across the world.

Gender roles in Japan

The drama starts with the character Kazuhiko Iwakura (the chap on the left of the cover photo), a law firm partner in Tokyo, suddenly moved in with his bed-ridden father.

Overnight, his luxurious apartment was transformed into a hospital ward. His dad, plus a single bed with wheels were placed squarely in his duplex apartment filled with designer furniture — usually to entertain his guests and girlfriends.

Although there was a carer, Iwakura’s immediate reaction was to propose to this random girl he was dating casually. Wisely, she busted his cunning plan and commented that she’s not going to be his wife so that he can get free care for his dad.

It’s worth mentioning here that, like many Asian cultures, women in Japan are expected to take care of the family after marriage. Gender roles are very well defined in Japan (as explained by Japanese sociologist Shirahase Sawako), men are supposed to get the cash, women are supposed to maintain the home.

Whilst it’s a dick move from Iwakura to find a wife purely for the sake of maintaining the household with a sick father, it’s also understandable that there’s almost no way he could continue his demanding job and give great care to his dad.

Can we really rely on our children in our old age?

The issue of relying on your children as you age unfolds as the drama continues. Iwakura’s life was significantly affected. He found himself leaving business meetings to rush home because his dad called for help. He had to make decisions that a carer couldn’t make but perhaps a wife could.

As our education level and life span have increased, the traditional study-work-retire model becomes outdated. We start working later, for many, we are also getting married later. The traditional societal norm of forming a stable family around 30 years old are changing across the world.

In fact, Japan’s marriage and the fertility rate are getting alarmingly low. There are not enough young people to replace the retiring workforce. Men don’t want to become the provider for both their wife and children, as well as their parents. Women don’t want to sacrifice their freedom and career options to take care of the house, and four senior members from both sides.

Add globalisation and urbanisation into the mix, there is also a chance that the children are simply not around physically at all. Iwakura’s dad actually moved all the way from south Japan to Tokyo, leaving his business and social circles behind. Losing familiar social interactions can be detrimental to the decline in old people’s mental and physical health.

But this is not just a phenomenon in Japan. I am working in the old people’s housing and care industry in the UK, many old people are living alone and suffering from loneliness (and other issues). The burden naturally falls to the children to find a solution.

Relying on children for a healthy ageing journey has become unrealistic.

Carehome is not the only option!

At one point in the drama, Iwakura actually found his true love, an equally successful and busy lawyer. She was not prepared or capable of taking care of his dad. Whilst the drama wasn’t explicit about this, the dad also found this new gender dynamic hard to swallow.

Finally, the dad understood this was simply not working and he was destroying the happiness of his lovely son. His solution was to move into a care home.

As an ageing housing and loneliness specialist, I didn’t like this part of the drama. I was screaming to the screen, hey dude, you are clearly mentally sound and physically strong! All you need is a bit of assistance with your illness, a care home is absolutely over the top.

Age healthily, happily and independently

Japan, being the most aged country in the world, started investing a lot of funds in research and implementing healthy ageing strategies to ensure its people can age properly and avoid straining public resources in a long run.

There are more than 3 options to get old now. We don’t have to either live and die alone, stay with our children or move to a care home. There are age-friendly communities with great infrastructure to ensure community engagement, regular (but mild) physical activities and even free buses to help to transport old people to clinics and hospitals.

Let’s get a bit real here and look at how this community in Yokohama transform the space for sustainable and healthy ageing communities:

Independence is not isolation

What a lovely estate! I wouldn’t mind taking a walk in the forest at all.

It’s important for old people (especially the old folks in Asia) to understand that independence from children is not equal to losing touch. The more egalitarian the relationship becomes (i.e. less codependent/dependent), the easier it is to sustain a good relationship and ensure wellbeing for both the older and the younger generations.

Do you want to have dinner with your child every day discussing the burden of living? Or do you want quality time with your children talking about exciting things you learn or gossiping about your pals in the community? I would choose the latter.

We have reached a time where society can no longer structure the way it used to. Things are seriously changing, especially in rich and urbanised cities. I write a lot about loneliness and in no way, I want my parents or myself to age in a difficult way.

So my ask is, know about your options, plan ahead and make informed decisions for your own retirement days. You can always read my articles for more information? My heart goes out to you.