We Often Deceive Ourselves On The Way To The Basic Needs

So-called ‘success’ is a disaster of our times

We often say that everyone wants to succeed. But, what does it even mean?

The Dictionary gives a few definitions of “success,” let’s take the first two:

1. The favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors; the accomplishment of one’s goals.

2. The attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like.

Unfortunately, as a west world society, we choose and praise the second. We put on the pedestal individuals who achieve wealth and fame — take a look at our celebrities. But do we all want such “success?”

Let’s start with a basic understanding. Don’t think of other people. You can’t understand the whole world. Start with defining yourself.

Do the test, write answers on “what I want in life.” And let me guess — to be safe, accepted, seen, understood, loved, happy?

How far on the list is “to be famous or wealthy”? Probably far away if you’ve been honest with yourself. But the “success” is often misunderstood as a way to get what we want — we deceive ourselves on the way to the basic needs.

Financial Success

Money can bring you happiness. There is an existential level of finances when money is crucial to wellness. But, after reaching that level, we don’t need them as much.

Do you want all day long entrepreneur hustle? Do you want to work on weekends, be all-time at work, don’t have a stable income source, sacrifice time with the family, and risk? Probably not, but it’s fashionable these days.

Do you need that dreamed supercar? Of course, that’s your dream. But think of having that car and all its maintenance costs while no one will ever see you in it? Do you still want it? Probably not.

But you think that if you become successful, then people will see and appreciate you? As you get closer to the social ideal, you will increase the chances to attract love-mate? And if so, does that can make you happy? Of course, it can. So, you choose to run after it by that logic.

What about Fame?

Ellen DeGeneres joked at her Oscars Opening speech in 2014:

The most important thing in life is love and friendship and family, and if people don’t have those things, well then — they usually get into show business.

Let’s be honest. You are in bed, with your love-mate and another love mate — pizza. You love each other, watching a great show on Netflix, and talking. What more do you want in your life? Doesn’t it already perfect at the moment? For what you want the international fame?

Of course, you cannot lay in bed all day, but you can do various “ordinary” things and still be happy. The problem is when you are, e.g., lonely and thinking that you need to achieve something to build some connections.

Money, status, fame are the methods to attract those “basic” needs to be happy, loved, seen, understood, or heard. It’s not the best, most efficient way, but unfortunately a popular one especially among young people.

Whenever you feel the need to build a great value or to achieve extraordinary things, you probably lack something in life. You somehow feel unworthy of happiness and things like that. So you work to improve yourself, but in the end, it all comes down to the basic needs.

Are We That Simple?

In 1943 American psychologist Abraham Harold Maslow created his famous Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

According to his study, there are three basic needs:

• Physiological needs, safety needs, and love and belonging needs.

And two higher needs:

• Self Esteem and Self-actualization needs.

In the west, we almost no longer think about the first basic need. The second is quite challenging during the pandemic, but that’s the extreme situation that will hopefully end someday. And finally, the third basic need is where the real problem begins.

The survey in the UK on the group of 55000 people shows:

The survey results indicate that 16–24-year-olds experience loneliness more often and more intensely than any other age group. 40% of respondents aged 16–24 reported feeling lonely often or very often, while only 29% of people aged 65–74 and 27% of people aged over 75 said the same.

We are stuck on the third basic need — friendship, relationship, intimacy, belonging. So we skip it and jump to higher needs thinking that success in society will provide that as a bonus of being wealthy or famous. That’s a huge mistake. The world doesn’t work like that.

We will be fine if we stay with three of three basic needs. But we won’t be fine when we skip basic needs and start moving forward. That can produce obsessive, detached from reality, troublemaker that is chasing nonsense ideals.

Example of Such Behavior

Let’s take a young man who, as every one of us, wants to fulfill the basic needs. In his teenage years, he primarily needs the acceptance of his peers. He thinks that the requirement to reach that is a so-called success as the society gave him such message by influencers or celebrities.

This way, we get that young hero, 20 years old upcoming entrepreneurship star. He is reading books on success and working on his body. He is a young wolf, feeling that he needs to prove something to himself.

But, finally, by a miracle, he finds a girlfriend, a good, stable job, and a circle of friends. Six-pack disappears, belly-fat appears, he buys a console, starts playing games, and party on weekends. He is living an ordinary, everyday life in the local community, thinking of family life in the future.

Why? Because he fulfilled his true desires, and higher needs are not the necessary ones. He can go further, but he doesn’t have to. That may change over time, but so far — he is fine.

But, If he won’t fulfill basic needs, let’s say, by forties — we have a recipe not even for the mid-life crisis but the sociopath. The question is who made a mistake — he or we as a society showing that path to the young boy?

How to Avoid That Trap

Be honest with yourself. Focus on who you are and what you want. If you don’t want all that fame, wealth, etc., don’t ever do things that you hate to impress somebody and not be alone — that is not how you heal out of it.

Even if you find friends or a “loving mate” thanks to your “success,” — it will be toxic. You will have many fake people around because you are close to the social ideal and offer many gains. Will that fulfill the third basic need? Well, maybe, but for how long? To the first failure?

Be yourself, do what you love, and let the people looking for you find you. They won’t if you will deceive yourself.

Also, rather than chasing unreal ideals of, e.g., changing the world, think if you are in control of 1 meter around you. Do you fulfill three basic needs? Do you have a stable income, security, savings? Are you a part of some community, have social connections, aren’t you lonely?

Because if you don’t fulfill these, you may be after some stupid ideals to avoid your present life — the reality. You start living up to some distant dream that wastes your time. The cure is understanding that of your actual needs.

The Takeaway

The best you can do on this wonderful spinning ball is to be yourself.

Put the reminder on the wall:

The same energy that decided to create all those galaxies, stars, and nature also felt the need to create you as you are. Don’t waste it trying to fit society’s ideal.

You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. Be yourself, and you find the right people that look for someone like you. You don’t need spectacular global success to find your soul mate.

Rather than trying to be “successful,” choose to be passionate about something and follow that. Chose what you want and plan what to do but always take care of the basic needs first. Yet, after reaching them, with a stable income, security, savings — go and change this world for the better.

We need a new definition of success, like:

Success is embracing who you are and live your life to the fullest.

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