ROGUES’ GALLERY SEXY TIME

“We Dry-Humped Until His Friend Arrived”

That the best ya got?

Writing about sex, and getting it right, is tough, as you might discern from the title of this story. It came from one of the top earners here in a piece about their first encounter with a “three-way.”

I can’t decide if the piece makes me want to laugh, or yak. And it only gets worse from there.

“Dry humping.” Shit. I mean, why even bother? I don’t mean the act itself as I’ve done it! And that’s as far as I’ll go with that other than to say it’s a sexual rite of passage.

What I’m talking about is randomly documenting it in a story.

Think about it. Do you really need to share that bit? When you write about getting down, you don’t have to document every pump, squirt, and stank. That’s when the shit stops being hot and the reader bails to nuke a Hot Pocket, instead.

Friends, here’s the deal. As “they” say, some things truly are better left to the imagination. Yes! Trust me on this. Because the brain is an incredibly sexy and complex organ that controls nearly every process in our body, including the giddyup between our legs.

You can be explicit, without embarrassing the shit out of yourself.

Let me stop right here and stress that this is my opinion, which I believe I’m still entitled to, although one never knows.

I know how hard it is to write something that turns people on. I labored over the sex scenes in a couple of my screenplays and after many rewrites, they turned out to be sizzlers. In fact, my MIA manager asked me to cut one of them for the sake of “ratings.”

I kept the original scene though. Always keep the original.

Getting into the trenches helped me discover that writing about sex is a beast all its own and takes a deft hand. Pun intended.

For the uninitiated, here’s what you don’t want to do: Repel readers. There are many fine erotica writers here who understand the difference between titillation and “Ewwwww.”

This writer isn’t one of them.

There’s something about dry-humping that makes me think of someone frantically pounding some unsuspecting throw pillow into the floor.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it. I just don’t want to see you do it in my mind’s eye. Or, you to see me.

See how this works?

Too, bestiality is a no-no. I just saw a story from one of the sexperts who shared her experience writing stories about women having sex with dogs, horses, and gorillas.

Fuck that! Do you hear me? Just, fuck that!

First of all, that’s fucking animal abuse, in my book. Some of you might not agree, but then again, you might be a Trump supporter hunkering down in the hills somewhere with a goat tethered to your ankle.

But the writer got off on it.

“For the first two weeks, I was so horny that I could barely concentrate.”

URP.

But then she covered her tracks by saying that it wasn’t the animals that got her horny, but all the talk about “moist, glistening vaginas.”

Sherry hits BLOCK here!

This “writer” has over 12k followers. Someone, please tell me what the F I’m doing wrong?

All I can say is, thank Buddha male cats have small wee-wees. I can only imagine what she’d try to do with a feral Tabby.

But, I digress. Here are a few other gorge-rising occurrences that are anything but smokin’ and should be left out of a sexually-charged story, be it inspired by truth, or completely fabricated.

Skid marks in a partner’s drawers. A pubic hair stuck in a tooth. Queefs. (Enough said.) Inanimate objects shoved into places they don’t belong. Wet spots. Stinky breath/butthole/pussy. Any kind of animal involvement. (Again. Just “no.”) Farting during oral sex and/or orgasm. (Hell, no.)

Like that, guys. We don’t need to “see” it. Unless, of course, the above gets you going. The only place it gets me going is to the toilet, to puke.

If you stuck with me to the end of this story, I hope you found it helpful, because that’s what I’m here for, folks.

For the writer who inspired me to write this, if “filler” copy was needed, I’d suggest dropping the dry-humping thing for the following suggestions:

“We shared a Snickers bar until his friend arrived.” “We watched The Human Centipede until his friend arrived.” “We made zoodles until his friend arrived.” “We organized the medicine cabinet until his friend arrived.” “We played ‘doctor’ until his friend arrived.” “We bullied people on Facebook until his friend arrived.”

See? It’s not that hard. No doubt, the writer would thank me if we hadn’t blocked one another.

And so it goes.

If you can handle it, read every one of my stories and those of other fab Medium writers. I’ll get a couple of shekels and you’ll have full access to this whole joint! https://sherrymcguinn.medium.com/membership

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. She is currently pitching her newest screenplay, “The Month We Fell Apart,” a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story, as well as “DEAD TIRED,” a female-driven, ass-kicking thriller.

Thanks for reading, guys. If you enjoyed this, I’d love for you to check out the following, as well as my newsletter, Sherry Raw.