We Came Not To Bury Porn

But to give its coat a good, solid pull

Purveyors of smut, I’m talking to you. I made some helpful suggestions not long ago and yet there still seems to be room for improvement. Did you really not read my list? Trust me here, I’m a fan (of some of your work, not all by a long shot) and think you can do better.

The Industry has a golden opportunity to reset here and I’d like to be helpful. This comes from two well-read writers who know their way around a money shot. It also should be added that until this current lockdown, we were also frequenters of sex parties, gay and straight.

In short, we know our stuff

Our name for the worst of the worst in porn is Le Trapeze porn because that’s what was inevitably playing on all the screens at that sadly missed swingers’ club in NYC. Big round grapefruit breasts, ridiculous over-acting, freakishly large cocks, false eyelashes, terrible lighting, weird contortions to ensure the camera sees all the action, and 100% tanned white people. Yuck.

Hey, industry insiders: there is a lot of really well-produced, extremely sexy adult content being made now that is making the Le Trapeze porn irrelevant and even laughable. Stop making that crap. You can do so much better.

We, as avid consumers of adult content, feel qualified to critique what you’re putting out there and you, as purveyors of same, would be smart to listen to us. While some of what I’m carping about is arguably a matter of personal preference, let’s be real here. Garbage is garbage and we all know it stinks.

And thanks to the Interwebz, there are more and more of us with very particular tastes that you’re going to want to accommodate (so you can build market share and clean up).

Let’s talk about spit

Stop it. Just tell the young lady, (or young man as the case may be) who keeps throwing come hither stares directly at the camera, that no one finds long thick strings of spit sexy. Granted, getting all sloppy and spit-covered can actually be sexy under the right conditions when actually having sex. It is never ever sexy to watch copious strings of saliva running down the sides of anyone’s mouth in porn or swinging off the end of a hard cock. And, darling, we’re all asking you to stop pushing all that cum and spit out of your mouth after the Big Event. Not a good look.

And while we’re at it, enough with the gazing seductively at the camera. You’ve got work to do here, concentrate on that and we’ll have a much better time.

Oh, and along with eliminating all that disgusting spit, let’s change things up a bit during fellatio, shall we? Just bobbing up and down is boring AF. Let’s note that intact penises are much more fun to suck because there’s just a lot more to work with than those sadly bald circumcised cocks. Just one cock-sucker’s opinion (but I’m right). However, a real professional should be adept at making fellatio engaging and fun to watch regardless. Oh, and let’s keep the gagging sounds to a minimum, shall we? Thinking you’re about to vomit is so unsexy.

This next point falls under the heading of personal preferences but I feel confident in stating that the completely smooth hairless pussy should only be found on eight-year-old girls. And if you’re turned on by that, maybe it’s time to pay Uncle Sigmund a visit, hmmm? Pubic hair is gloriously sexy. It communicates that here is an individual who is old enough to participate in sex and knows what they’re doing. I personally also find underarm hair to be a real turn-on but am more ok about the weird predilection to shave that off. Different strokes and all.

For a minute there in the ’70s and ’80s, plots were all the rage. “Deep Throat”, “The Devil and Miss Jones”, and nearly everything Jamie Gillis did in those two decades had fairly complex storylines with breaks for sex. Kind of like “West Side Story” but with sex instead of dance numbers. While the motivation was probably good the reality is that once those babies hit DVDs or even VHS tapes, we were all fast-forwarding to get to the “good” bits. The sex. Come on, that’s what we’re here for, right? Try to keep the plot to a minimum, k?

Ok, and guys? You need to stop being all silent and stoic during sex. In porn and in real life. There’s nothing less sexy than an unresponsive partner no matter how hot he/she looks. Moaning is good. Grunting? Ohhhh, yes. And when you cum in porn, we all want to hear that you’re having a great time. Loosen up, fellas!

This brings us to the ladies. Easy on the histrionics, ok? We can tell when you’re just performing and ask that you work on your skills as an actor.

Next point: Can we please have someone besides (usually) fit, (almost always) white people in porn? Please? Ok, yes, I think we can all agree that watching attractive people fuck is enjoyable but where are the people of color? The people who don’t look Calvin Klein model-wannabees? Maybe even some women with nice round asses and thighs and breasts who don’t make you feel like taking them to the kitchen and making them a nice big plate of pierogis? Clearly visible ribcages and jutting pelvic bones aren’t sexy to everyone.

True, amateur videos do provide that but at the expense of decent lighting and a steady camera that stays in focus.

Introducing 21st-century smut

Fortunately, not all smut is created equal and I’m happy to leave off with the complaints and explore some really stellar adult entertainment.

Laying the groundwork in the late 20th century for the richness and diversity of 21st-century porn was Candida Royale who transitioned from performing in front of the camera to founding Femme Productions and Femme Chocolat. I met Ms. Royale shortly after moving to NYC. She was the soul of elegance and sophistication.

Thanks to the Candida Royales of this world, we have an embarrassment of riches when it comes to really tasty smut.

If you haven’t yet had the delightful opportunity to see Erika Lust’s work, stop reading right now. Yes. Stop. Now go and ask the Google to find her. You’ll thank me. Well, if you enjoy really beautifully shot smut that goes light on the plot (see above) and includes queer people, older people, people of color, and people who don’t have the kinds of bodies usually represented in porn, Ms. Lust will make you very happy. We subscribed because we want to support this kind of really sexy, beautiful work.

Erika Lust’s studio is in Barcelona (we actually were right in the neighborhood when we were there last year but didn’t realize it until we got back to New York; bummer, dude) and is indicative of the exciting, innovative, and unique erotic videos being made throughout Europe now. Another Spanish favorite is Bel Gris’ Tetatita.com. Senor Gris may look the part of your typical guy in porn, but his videos have a decided queer slant, are beautifully produced, and include a number of our favorite performers (Julia Roca, we’re looking at you!).

In fact, here’s an entire website of women-centric adult content:

Another long-time producer of top quality “explicit” content is Pink and White Productions from San Francisco which specializes in female and queer sexuality. Their seven “Crash Pad” series are how I came to know and enjoy them. Because of this bright idea to critique the state of porn today, I got to find out more about Shine Louise Houston, who established Pink and White in 2005. Thanks to her there are innumerable young queer people who came of age knowing that what they like to get up to in the bedroom (and kitchen) is truly wonderful. And natural. And sexy AF.

Is it a surprise that so much of the really engaging, sexy, interesting, non-cookie-cutter adult content is being produced by women and the queer community? I don’t think so.

Not being represented in the wider culture has resulted in waves of people of color, queer people, and women who are taking matters into their own hands and creating the content they want to see. This goes for every level of entertainment and is playing out beautifully in the adult entertainment industry as well. And what they’re producing is light years sexier and more interesting than anything being cranked out by the mainstream smut-peddlers.

See?

It can be done. You can create high quality, entertaining adult entertainment. And if you’re not, it’s pure laziness. We’re sure you can keep spewing out the crap and managing to keep your profit margins where you want them. But really? You got into the business just to get rich? Come on.

And to those who enjoy well-crafted sexy pornography: now that you’ve got some links and information about the Good Stuff, take your business there. You never again have to settle for porn that is a wasteland of silicone and French manicures.

You’re welcome.

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