Was I The Other Woman?

Sometimes it’s hard to tell and you find yourself in a love triangle.

When I hear words from my ex-husband’s mouth I assume first that they are lies, and question their validity second.

This is from over 30 years of training. From trying to decipher the things he says and does.

So when he said to me that I was the other woman before we were married, I assumed he was yet again lying. But now I’m not so sure.

Does it count as being the other woman if you find out 20 years later?

A Little Bit Of The Back Story

My ex-husband and I were not together since the 4th grade, but that is where we met when I moved to town. We had classes together, went on field trips together, had the same group of friends, had the same school experiences, and went to the same events.

I don’t have many childhood memories that he isn’t in. My yearbooks and many of my oldest pictures have him included in them.

Almost every first I ever had, was with him. That is a lot to give up on.

More than one therapist has told me that I was groomed from a young age. Even though he was the same age as I was, the techniques were the same as an adult would have used. This was because he was also groomed since childhood by the small Christian cult that his family had been in for 3 generations, as well as having a father who was an addict, using drugs and alcohol to excess his entire life. He was raised to be manipulative and selfish. He was trained to groom people. He learned the lessons very well.

It’s a tragic back story that kept me caught in the cycle of abuse for decades. I felt like I could love him to be healthy. I know now that isn’t possible. Some people seem determined to live out the legacy that was left for them by their caregivers.

The night I left him was our 16th wedding anniversary.

One of his mistresses showed up at the door. She told our oldest son she was looking for his dad. He told me instead, so I went out to meet her face-to-face. She proceeded to tell me all about the affair they had been having for years. She called me a liar and a manipulator and told me that she didn’t respect me. This was within the first 5 minutes of me meeting her for the first time.

I have only spoken to him a handful of times since that night over 3 years ago. One of those times he told me, “I don’t know why you’re surprised. You were the other woman for _____.” (his ex-girlfriend from high school)

I didn’t think anything of it when he said it. He had been saying many hurtful things that I didn’t believe and I assumed this was another one. Now I think he was telling the truth.

Looking Back, The Signs Were There

I was friends (though not as close) with his ex-girlfriend. We went to middle and high school together, played in the band together, did multiple sports together, and graduated together. She was beautiful, nice, and very smart. We always got along well.

But now I think I was the other woman in her relationship with my ex-husband.

When you are a teenager you don’t see things the same. The line of what is appropriate or not is a bit more blurred. Immaturity is a given.

I thought I was hanging out with my best guy friend. I didn’t think of it as hanging out with another woman’s partner. When he told me things about her and complained about their relationship, I didn’t think anything of it since I had known him first and was closer to him. I felt like I was being a good friend at the time. Now, I think I was complicit in his subversive emotional abuse of her. I was one of the flying monkeys deployed to do his dirty work and shred her self-esteem. I was one of the people who had been roped in by his sob story of how poorly she treated him and how much of a victim he was.

I know this because this is what the other women I talked to said of me. He was a poor husband who tried everything imaginable to make his wife feel loved, but I was a cold, heartless harpy who was hellbent on his destruction. I have only spoken to a few of them, but the story is different versions of the same thing. It is nearly the same story I had been given as a teenager.

It hasn’t changed because it works.

The day I accepted a date with him was the week before his 21st birthday. He had been telling me for months about the heartbreak he was feeling over the recent end of his relationship. He had switched from being sad and was now openly pursuing me. I too had a recent breakup and was ready to move on, so I accepted the date.

I thought it was the relationship that I was destined for. There was no need for the getting to know you phase and all of the questions. We had known each other for 13 years already. There couldn’t be any secrets left to tell!

He asked me to marry him on that first date. Why didn’t I see the giant red flag waving right in my face?

But now, 20 years later, he tells me it was all a lie. He was never out of that relationship. He hadn’t ended it with her until months after he and I began seeing each other.

I believe him.

Looking back, the only times I felt like he was telling the truth was when he was letting me know how much contempt he felt for me. When I failed at being a partner. When I failed at being a parent. When I failed at being a good person. Those were the times I felt like he was honest. This was one of those times.

Does that make me the other woman? Should I feel guilt?

Yes…and I do.

Unknowingly or not, I was.

She Escaped From His Narcissistic Grasp

I will never reach out to her or let her know how sorry I am. I wouldn’t want to dredge up old memories or have her live through another moment of pain. Pain that I surely helped cause her.

I don’t think it matters to her if I knew or not. I’m sure the pain was real either way. A discard phase from a narcissist is not an easy thing to face. I know what she went through having faced it myself from the same man.

She and I got lucky.

We got away with our lives.

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Narcissism Informed Trauma and Abuse Life Coach- or links to my life coaching services, you can find me at www.cpresleycoaching.com or email me at [email protected]

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