Want Things Passionately, Hold Them Lightly

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Abstract

actually took a look at “now what?” it pushed us to find another school that was actually a better place for our son.</p><p id="dc4f">I wanted to train with a certain life coaching instructor, but she turned out to be a sociopath, so I launched my practice without being certified and eventually completed my training elsewhere. It was the best thing that could have happened for me professionally. I stopped deferring to “experts” and started believing in myself because I had to. Then I found a teacher I could trust to help me complete my credentialing.</p><p id="d5ce"><i>It all turned out for the best</i> doesn’t happen every single time, but it happens enough that it’s worth remembering that it can. And even if everything goes to hell in a handbasket that quite often means you can stop worrying about bottoming out (because you already have). It may be just the clean slate that is needed to build something new.</p><p id="1bea">One of the clients I had, when I worked for the non-profit, was going through a really rough patch and was experiencing a huge amount of anxiety and fear about potentially having to declare bankruptcy. That is quite obviously no-one’s preferred outcome or set of circumstances, but once she did finally decide to go that route, my client found that it also wasn’t the end of the world. She was able to put her life back together without many of the pressures that she’d been experiencing before, and instead of bankruptcy being the worst, most dreaded scenario in the world, it became the one that helped her get back on the right path.</p><p id="4bd6">In her mind, bankruptcy was a horrible stigma, a sign of failure. “Ok,” I said to her. “So even if that’s true? Then what — so you failed? So what?” As she began to unpack her feelings around it all she realized that not only would she not actually die of shame, but it would really be fine in many substantive ways. All she had to do was let go of her attachment to not having to dec

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lare bankruptcy, and her life would become infinitely better.</p><p id="b656">Some people think it’s better not to want too much because then you are less likely to be disappointed, but living half a life isn’t acceptable to me. That doesn’t mean it’s not OK to be disappointed if your vision doesn’t play out. It just means that you don’t take up residence there. Take a look at what your current options are, or create some new ones. Get help with that if you need it. Play big, live out loud, and relax…. nothing is under control!</p><p id="a637">© Copyright, Elle Beau 2020 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love.</p><div id="f1a7" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/dont-give-your-power-away-to-experts-d945a1d50d33"> <div> <div> <h2>Don’t Give Your Power Away To Experts</h2> <div><h3>The person who best knows what you need is you</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*FASw2O8EO1vEbouL)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="5aac" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/american-culture-goes-against-everything-we-know-about-human-happiness-ac8d633b42cb"> <div> <div> <h2>American Culture Goes Against Everything We Know About Human Happiness</h2> <div><h3>We should look to hunter-gatherer tribes and Denmark for inspiration</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*N9_rxrybYi7CMjKI)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Want Things Passionately, Hold Them Lightly

I’m pretty sure this is the secret of life in a nutshell

Sometimes things that are very simple are not in the least bit easy. This is one of those things. But I’m also pretty sure it is the key to a happy and productive life. I have not mastered it by any means, but when I do find myself able to pull it off, the outcome is phenomenal. Want things passionately, but hold them lightly. Go after the life you want, but don’t get all bent out of shape if it doesn’t go as planned.

It is not in the wanting of things that causes pain or anxiety, but instead in the attachment to having what you want — in the way that you want it, in the timeframe that you had in mind, etc., etc. If you can learn to enthusiastically pursue your goals, your desires, and your preferred outcomes in life, but also be OK if things don’t go as planned — that is some magic beans right there.

When I’ve been successful with this, it’s often because I’ve reminded myself of all of the times when something did not go as I had intended and it actually turned out better. This has happened to me on a large scale several times. My son, who is on the autism spectrum, was going to a public elementary school with an aid. We’d gone through 4 in 3 years and it had been really stressful. Finally, we found one that seemed to be a good fit, but at the end of the year, she told us she wasn’t going to be coming back because she wanted to concentrate on her own family. We were devastated, but when we stopped freaking out and actually took a look at “now what?” it pushed us to find another school that was actually a better place for our son.

I wanted to train with a certain life coaching instructor, but she turned out to be a sociopath, so I launched my practice without being certified and eventually completed my training elsewhere. It was the best thing that could have happened for me professionally. I stopped deferring to “experts” and started believing in myself because I had to. Then I found a teacher I could trust to help me complete my credentialing.

It all turned out for the best doesn’t happen every single time, but it happens enough that it’s worth remembering that it can. And even if everything goes to hell in a handbasket that quite often means you can stop worrying about bottoming out (because you already have). It may be just the clean slate that is needed to build something new.

One of the clients I had, when I worked for the non-profit, was going through a really rough patch and was experiencing a huge amount of anxiety and fear about potentially having to declare bankruptcy. That is quite obviously no-one’s preferred outcome or set of circumstances, but once she did finally decide to go that route, my client found that it also wasn’t the end of the world. She was able to put her life back together without many of the pressures that she’d been experiencing before, and instead of bankruptcy being the worst, most dreaded scenario in the world, it became the one that helped her get back on the right path.

In her mind, bankruptcy was a horrible stigma, a sign of failure. “Ok,” I said to her. “So even if that’s true? Then what — so you failed? So what?” As she began to unpack her feelings around it all she realized that not only would she not actually die of shame, but it would really be fine in many substantive ways. All she had to do was let go of her attachment to not having to declare bankruptcy, and her life would become infinitely better.

Some people think it’s better not to want too much because then you are less likely to be disappointed, but living half a life isn’t acceptable to me. That doesn’t mean it’s not OK to be disappointed if your vision doesn’t play out. It just means that you don’t take up residence there. Take a look at what your current options are, or create some new ones. Get help with that if you need it. Play big, live out loud, and relax…. nothing is under control!