Pitfall Matters

Wanna Get Rich — Write For Pitfall!

Or regret it for the rest of your life

Already voted the Medium Publication Least Likely To Succeed by a panel of judges headed up by King Kong himself Tony “Tony” Stubblebine, we, here at Pitfall HQ, are determined to prove everybody wrong.

Which is why, starting tomorrow, Monday 17 July, PITFALL — The World’s Best Publication — is offering some fantastic prizes, all sourced from the farm where I work.

1st Prize

Built in Russia in 1993, this highly polluting LADA Niva, still has its original cassette player. The heater is broken, but if you rev the engine hard enough, it generates enough heat to keep you vaguely warm in winter.

It doesn’t come with seatbelts, meaning you can enjoy the spacious interior without getting tangled up in the straps.

Furthermore, with the back seats having been ripped out due to fire damage in 2006, there’s ample space for five or six kids in the back. And as the top speed is a little over 50 mph, no one has to worry about serious accidents.

To win this beautiful vehicle, see below.

2nd Prize

If you’re unfortunate (or lucky) enough not to win the STAR PRIZE, don’t worry, a Charolaise bull might ease the disappointment.

At only 18 months old, this young bull, called Blanco, is the perfect gift for your children. Within a year it’ll weigh up to 1.5 tonnes and will look like this.

Blanco and his testicles are the perfect plaything for your kids during those long summer holidays.

Charolaise bulls are known to be docile and friendly, with only the occasional fit of bad temper where they will rampage and destroy everything in their path.

To win this gorgeous beast, see below.

3rd Prize

What home wouldn’t be complete without a Cider Press. Let your kids discover the joy of getting drunk from an early age.

Let them experiment with different apples and strengths, so that by the time they leave home, they’ll be as alcoholic as their parents.

NOTE: Comes with a month’s supply of apples.

4th Prize

Kept in optimum conditions, in a damp barn here on the farm, this ‘fresh’ Parsnip can be yours as a token reminder of your total failure to win any of the above prizes.

Pastinaca sativa is a nutty, sweet, mouldy root vegetable that can be eaten with roast meat, chicken, or on its own if you’re poor or a vegan.

Its nutritional value (not this one) is high and can work perfectly with a diet of rainforest-endangering nuts and berries.

The winning parsnip comes wrapped in hard plastic to ensure all the bugs and parasites (it’s organic) don’t leak out during transit.

To win this, and the other prizes, see below.

How to Play — and Win!

To have any chance of winning the fantastic prizes above, write a 40,000-word monologue on the worst day of your life and send it into Pitfall.

To register with Pitfall, write three words in the comments section to prove you can write. Then I’ll add you as a writer.

Once all the submissions are in, which could take years, an impartial judge, probably a cow, will pick the winner.

RULES: Competition is non-binding (whatever that means) and the publication’s owner (me) has the absolute right to alter the prizes depending if the items listed above are still functioning or alive.

For more info on what Pitfall can offer you, and what you can offer Pitfall, and what you can offer yourself and your species, see below.

Some of you who might be interested or not, and if I’ve tagged you twice, sorry: Simon Dillon, Hogan Torah, Aurelia Bliss, David Acaster, Rosalie Berg, Jenny Lane, A Strong Woman Weak, E Savaria, Kyle Mann, Walter Rhein, Conni Walkup Hull, Malky McEwan, Kristen Stark, Ellie Salvaje, Elvira Yuzbay, David Conte, Jill Bennett, Melissa Gray, Linda Kowalchek, Kandis Lake, Manali Jarząbkiewicz, Claire Franky, Cooper Thornton, Michelle Spencer, Maggie Harris | Freelance Writer, Chris Eno McMahon, Bicho, Tim McCauley, Kristin Rowan, Colin the Crypto Ocelot, Anthony Robert, Oscar Rhea, Laurel B. Miller, Ginger Cook, Daniel Williams, Kendrah Martinez, Emerson Dameron, A.J. Cralle (she, her), Doro Volkova, Lilith Helstrom, Alex Praytor, Jim Marcotte, Deborah Volz, Christine Stevens, Suzanne Pisano, Steve Biersdorf, Janice Harayda, Toni Crowe, Amy Sea, James