Walking Away From Someone You Love
How to ease the pain and not run back
“[L]ove isn’t always enough to make a relationship last.” Carly Breit
This is real life. Unlike on Netflix, a relationship can’t always be rescued, healed, and Lysoled clean simply because two people have hearts stuffed full of love. Sometimes even a combination of adoration, lust, respect, trust, and compassion still won’t enable us to remain.
It’s been almost two decades since I’ve dumped, or been dumped. And yet when I recently ended a relationship I was almost immediately transported to university days, Häagen-Dazs resting on my gut beside the box of kleenex. Here I am bawling my tear ducts into my belly button in the shower so my kids won’t hear.
When we choose to leave it really, really hurts. Worse than a papercut on my eyeball or a poison ivy rash on my rectum (don’t ask). And we continue to question, Did I do the right thing? If this is what I should be doing, why the hell does it feel like the time Uncle Pete dropped that wrench on my bare toes?
There are some things that help us. They might not make it easy but they might just aid in getting us to the place-of-no-return.
Makin’ a list, checkin’ it twice
Mitzi Bockmann suggests compiling all of the reasons we are saying adios. Then fist that sucker so tight your knuckles atrophy. When oxytocin moments fling back into your memory refer back to all of your reasons for leaving.
I mentioned to a friend how sad I was, and that maybe, just maybe I had made a mistake. She quickly referred me back to the list, including sex addiction issues, needing-a-mama ways, and the gut-pinging intuitional warnings that nearly brought me to my knees. Quickly I remembered The Why.
Do NOT pick up that phone
Watch Dua Lipa’s video about sixty-three times in a row if you need to. Do whatever it takes to leave this person in the black hole of cyberspace.
“Think about Oreo cookies. You know how hard it is to eat just one? It’s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle.” Mitzi Bockmann
We are human so don’t KO yourself if you cave and contact them. I double-thumbed a lovey-dovey ‘thinking of you’ type message and immediately a swarm of murder hornets invaded my chest cavity. Just move on. And, for the love of the cookies mentioned above, do not send another message! It just worsens the ordeal. Trust me.
Go to the circus
Okay, maybe not the circus. Do they even have dancing-bear-filled rings that travel city to city anymore? Do something just for you. Whatever it is you choose, make sure it is something that brings you joy.
“Start with choosing you….Something small every day to speak to your needs and desires can do the trick.” Bridget Boursiquot
Order a giant latte and feed ducks in the park, wrestle the best bar stool from your pal, or binge Adele songs. Read a book or write one. Whatever makes your heart sing is what you should be doing. Especially if you’ve been avoiding it while dating because your ex just couldn’t be bothered with a hobby belonging to you.
Take your vitamins
Here’s the crazy thing we often forget – our physical body suffers alongside our heart. Suddenly oxytocin and dopamine stop their moistening flow and cortisol takes over. Our muscles Doris Payne the blood supply and our bellies scream for Pepto Bismol. We get headaches and our immune system waves the white flag.
So remember to fuel your body with more than Pinot Grigio-flavoured bonbons. Make sure to get enough sleep. Boost your immune system.
The lowdown
A refresher on what might help.
- Make a list of why you left and refer to it when necessary
- Avoid contact
- Do something you love
- Take care of your physical body
You will be back to YOU at some point. The Henckel won’t always be twisting about your Vena cava. Take care of yourself.
© Jennifer McDougall 2021
