Why I Chose To Have An Affair

How Early Onset Alzheimer’s Made Me Remember Myself

During a lucid moment, my 51-year-old husband who had been diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimers’ four years previous, admitted something I thought I had been hiding very well.

“You are always angry,” he said. “I feel like you are constantly angry and it’s directed at me.”

I knew I was regularly angry and chucking continual rage-balls of loathing at the disease but I had been completely self-assured that no one else knew — not a single person other than my therapist could see, feel, hear my wrath…

I was wrong. Apparently, the whole world could see teeth gritted firmly enough to grind down a chunk of re-bar, accompanied by the mini hurricanes blasting from my ear canals. Everyone knew I was living in a constant state of lividity. Fury with the fact that I was losing my spouse, our future dreams, and thrust into this space of single parenthood that now included an unteachable, toddler-ish spouse-child. Ire that every single aspect of daily routine was now my sole responsibility.

Of course, I was angry. Who wouldn’t be?

There are many reasons I’m angry, but one of the main ones — that I believe sharing here would make sense for you in better understanding this situation — is likely linked to the fact that I was going to leave my husband about a year before his diagnosis. Choosing to stay therefore meant being trapped . I was imprisoned in a passionless, sexless (long before Alzheimer’s came on the scene) marriage in which “conversation” now means answering what today’s weather will be 12 times in a row. I had, however, committed to stay and take care of the man who gave me two incredible children, still only a teen and tween.

And Anger and I? Well, we were Besties.

So how was I going to navigate this treacherous existence? Forty percent of caregivers die before the person they are caring for (Stanford University study). Unwilling to become a statistic, I swan-dove into self-care. I broke up with sugar, visited naturopaths and nutritionists, went to boot camp more than I flossed, and started a lengthy training program that eventually saw me completing the “Dopey” at Disney (1st day — 5km, 2nd day — 10 km, 3rd day — 21 km, 4th day — 42.2 km marathon). I started therapy and a support group and writing.

And still…angry…

How does Anger and Affair neatly coalesce in my world?

First, let me assure you that I do realize that anger can be based on expectation. When a child wants and therefore grabs for a Duplex in some other chubby toddler’s hands and doesn’t get it, anger explodes in that shrieking, kicking way oft-embraced by dramatic bundles of pre-schoolers. They wanted something and they didn’t get it and now they are rage-filled.

Is this situation a simple matter of me wanting something I can’t have — sex, passion, conversation, companionship? Or is it a matter of simply wanting something I need?

Getting married is more appealing because it involves the inclusion of a constant lovemaking partner. God designed sex as healthy, good for us, and FUN. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the health benefits of sex but in case you’re unaware, here is a list, compliments of Webmd.com, of just a few of them: immune system strength, lowering of blood pressure and less risk of heart attack, sleep improvement, stress reduction, lessening of anxiety and depression.

So what happens when sex is no longer part of a partnership because a disease makes it impossible. What about when a husband is no longer able to be a husband — in sexual ways and otherwise?

Or when they eventually don’t even know who you are? Pauline Boss asks in her book “Loving Someone Who Has Dementia”: “Are you still married if your spouse no longer knows you?”

I have a husband who isn’t a husband. He can’t make it to the shed with the recycling box or place something in the microwave without expecting it to be ready even without pushing any buttons or closing the door let alone be my best friend and lover. I am his caregiver and I have committed to remaining as his nursemaid.

Does this commitment also mean I must continue to uphold a lonely and sexless existence? This depends on whom you ask.

My church would say “suffer” — but then they would also, unfortunately, dictate that homosexuals are sinners and that men are the head of the household…again, if you can’t note the underlying sarcastic tone, it’s unlikely you know me well enough yet.

Some of my friends, even Christians, back my decision, arguing that I am in “unchartered territory...there’s no manual on how to do this”. David Kirkpatrick’s book “Neither Married Nor Single” and Barry Peterson’s experiences of having partners/girlfriends while still being married to a woman with Alzheimer’s recapitulate diversity in responses to lonely, sexless realities. When we see a person with Dementia snuggling up and passionately kissing a non-spouse in a nursing home we rarely judge them. Why, then, are their partners so harshly criticized? Many people, many responses.

But anger is not just about broken expectations. Anger is also a warning sign — a positive harbinger of hope and a positive catalyst for change (Soraya Chemaly). And I believe that in my case anger is more than simply dashed expectations. When I am too busy taking care of others and not having my own needs met, anger — quite obviously — sidles up and sinks into my bones.

“Another source of gendered experiences of anger, says Chemaly, is how women are often taught to prioritize the needs of others over their own, which can lead to suppressing anger” (Chemaly in 2018 CBC article).

So back to how Anger and Affair meet up…

Maybe sex isn’t important for you. Maybe you don’t even like it. So, for example’s sake, replace it with something that you do like and that you do need to keep healthy/sane.

Would you want the next 10 years to be without coffee, chocolate, running, shopping, your phone? My life without sex might be like yours without Netflix? Would you be happy to wipe snot from your slightly-more-than-middle-aged spouse’s nose, dinner out of his eyebrows, and listen to him call your tween by his own sister’s name without any kind of relaxation or fun? Without a much-needed break to help compensate?

Good for you. Yes, the sarcastic tone should be noted for it isn’t good at all… One of the blessings of this experience is my lesson on unhealthy societal expectations and learning that “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. I must take care of myself in order to take care of others. And for me, sex is…well, what’s that saying?

“Sex is like air — you don’t realize how much you need it until it’s no longer there.”

Let’s face it: exercise and mediation and anything else you can think of including masturbation just doesn’t live up to sex with a real-life caring and communicative partner.

So here is where the affair met the anger. I realized that in order to be a kind and compassionate caregiver — and douse the flames of anger my husband was obviously regularly experiencing — I needed to fill some of my needs.

In a fleeting lucid moment I asked him, “if I found someone to fulfill the needs you can’t — conversation, sex — in order to take care of you better and be less angry, would you want to know about it or not?” His response, after a few questions and comments, was a tearful “I have to accept that you need those things and that I can no longer give them to you. Just don’t tell me. I’ll probably know, though, because you will be super happy.”

So I started the Ashley Madison journey — which only confirmed how many completely miserable marriages exist. My goal was finding a FWB (Friend With Benefits). AM, a “dating” website for single and married people, is brimming with people who know what they want. Quickly I started conversing with a separated-but-not-yet-divorced individual. We spent way too many after-midnight hours laughing and being serious, sharing everyday stories and vulnerable intimate details about our lives. We specified in a process more detailed than the Duggar’s daily diaper-changing schedule our expectations. Our flirting turned to meeting turned to much more.

Am I happier? Yes. Am I more relaxed? Of course. Have I been a much kinder spouse? You bet. I actually put more effort into contact with my husband. Rather than sitting in silence as we normally would I now ask him to play Backgammon. When previously I would have felt like walking a block out of the way to dodge his touch I now give him hugs and shoulder touches. When typically I would avoid him and the absurd “conversations” that made little sense, I now get out the golf clubs and asking him to show me some tips.

Here’s the jam. Me seeking sex elsewhere might sicken you. It may not work for you. Maybe you’re too tired and wondering how you would even schedule this or sex isn’t your thing. Maybe you’ve never encountered someone with Alzheimer’s or faced the fact that the reality of being a caregiver is damn difficult and more challenging than you could imagine.

Do I think adultery is generally okay? No. Although, when two adults decide how they want their sex lives and relationships to look, and it is safe and healthy and legal, why are we trying to weasel in and, touting morality and rightness, upend what works for them?

Do I think I’m doing what’s best for me, my husband, and my family? Definitely.

The reality is: it doesn’t have to work for you. It only has to work for me and my situation/family. I realize my thinking and my actions are probably considered unconventional. But if I don’t talk about it, who will?

When we see other women sharing these experiences and creating a language around them… we see a loosening of the restrictions that might exist in our lives.- Soraya Chemaly