KNOW GREAT BUSINESS
Vlad P’s Guide To Success in the Workplace
Only one can rise to the top
With Covid restrictions being lifted, many people are returning to the office for the first time in two years or more, and all will be looking to get ahead.
But only one can rise to the top.
Hi, my name is Vlad P. As a very successful leader and business person, I’m here to help you win the workplace wars with some simple, timeless strategies.
Dressing appropriately
Cultivate the appearance of barely suppressed power. If the office dress code requires a shirt, yours should be several sizes too small, so that the buttons are always on the verge of popping off. Results may vary depending on gender.
Meeting your coworkers
When you meet a team member in person for the first time, set the tone for the relationship by looking them in the eye and saying “Nice to meet you, give me your watch.” If they aren’t wearing a watch, that’s even better. The impossible demand will render them confused and disoriented, helpless slaves to your iron will.
Securing the office you deserve
If your organization has provided you with only a small office or worse, a cubicle, take matters into your own hands.
Find a large corner office, and stand in the doorway silently. When questioned by the occupant, assure them that while you have no designs on the office, if they continue with their aggressive behavior you will have no choice but to act.
When they become uncomfortable and leave the office to find an HR representative or security guard, place their personal items in a box outside the door and sit down at the desk. This is now your office.
Controlling the message
Begin by sending daily emails to the entire organization detailing your heroism and successes, and mocking the failures of your competitors. Anyone who objects or disagrees should be called out as a terrorist or a Nazi on social media platforms.
Use the term “freedom of speech” as much as possible when lying.
Next, investigate a vulnerable person in the corporate communications department, and use their dark secrets for leverage. If they have no apparent skeletons in their closet, seduce them and videotape your fierce dominant lovemaking to ensure cooperation.
This stratagem will give you access to company intranet sites to reinforce the messaging of your emails.
Dominating meetings
Whenever possible, organize all meetings yourself. Invitations should be sent with no more than fifteen minutes notice and at inconvenient locations. Periodically, book a meeting in a room that doesn’t exist and then berate invitees for not attending.
If people ask to attend remotely, provide a link but keep them muted throughout the entire meeting.
The meeting room should be prepared in advance, with all chairs except yours removed. Shut any blinds to ensure no natural light enters the room, and if time permits, replace room lighting with flickering fluorescents.
Before entering into the meeting agenda — which you must never share in advance — allow two minutes to pass while you walk in a circle around the group in silence. If anyone speaks, hold your finger to your lips and say “Shhhhhhhhh.”
Managing conflict
In spite of your careful meeting management, you may encounter questions or even criticism in the boardroom. These situations must be dealt with swiftly and harshly to discourage imitators.
Slipping a fast-acting nerve agent into the traitor’s coffee will send a chilling message, but may be challenging for practical and legal reasons. If you do not have access to weapons-grade toxins or cannot be assured of plausible deniability, an over-the-counter laxative may be substituted to create embarrassment and loss of credibility.
Rewarding loyalty
If you follow the guidance above, you will quickly attract followers to back you in your inevitable rise to the top. These supporters should be rewarded with extra office supplies and first slice selection when birthday cake is distributed.
Endgame
There is no endgame. Once your enemies have been purged, use your newly consolidated power to secure more resources and expand your influence to other departments. Continue until everything is yours.
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