Viagra Bear
If he has an erection lasting longer than four hours, stay the hell away from him
I don’t know exactly when things changed, but our marriage has been stale for a while now. We never fuck anymore, and it seems like we bicker all the damn time over the littlest things. This camping trip was supposed to rekindle the flame we once had.
So far, it’s had the exact opposite effect.
“Jesus Christ, Brian, will you slow down?” Dana says as she hopples behind me with the aid of a makeshift walking stick. “I twisted my fucking ankle, remember?”
“Fuck!” I didn’t mean to leave my injured wife in the dust, but I smelled something worrisome coming from the direction of our campsite, and I needed to check it out ASAP. Sure enough, the place has been ransacked.
“What’s wrong?” she says. But when she finally catches up, she sees with her own eyes. “Holy shit.”
Our tent has been torn in half. Our cooler is empty, save for a few bits of packaging. Our packs are shredded, with clothing and toiletries scattered about the ground.
I pick up a piece of Styrofoam that once held a raw steak. The bite marks are unmistakable. “It was a bear. A big son of a bitch, too.”
“Since when did you become such a wildlife expert?”
I hand her the packaging. “You’re right. Maybe it was a little bunny rabbit.”
“Well, what should we do now?”
“You should probably rest your ankle for a bit. But then we need to get the hell out of here.”
“Let’s just leave now. It’s downhill back to the car; I’ll be fine.”
“The bear ate 15 pounds of food, so it’ll be satiated for a while. We’ve got time. Shit, wait…”
Sifting through the mess, I find a broken pill bottle.
“What is it?” she asks.
“Hey, um… what do you think happens to a bear after it eats 50 tablets of Viagra?”
“All at once?” She shrugs. “With any luck, it would die of a heart — ”
A giant brown shape lunges out of the bushes, knocking Dana to the ground. Standing on his hind legs, he’s easily 10 feet tall. His mouth is agape and saliva drips from his three-inch fangs.
And how do I know he’s a he? His raging seven-inch boner.
“Don’t move, Dana! Stay on the ground and play dead.”
But as the bear looms over her, she scoots away from him on the ground.
“Stay the fuck away from me!” she yells, whacking him in the shins with her walking stick. As expected, this only makes him angrier.
“Damn it, Dana! Just curl up into a ball and stop moving around.”
“That’s easy for you to say! He’s not coming after you.”
She has a point. Time to change that.
I pick up the thick plastic cooler lid and hurl it at the bear. It hits him right in the back of the head.
“Hey, fucko! The lady’s not interested. Leave her the hell alone.”
He turns and growls in my direction, but stays with Dana. I pick up the biggest rock I see and pelt him in the nose. According to the internet, the nose is a bear’s Achilles heel, yet he still refuses to engage with me.
I walk towards him, picking up and throwing everything I can find. Rocks. Socks. Sticks. Empty Doritos bags.
Eventually, I get a little too close, and he swats at me. It’s like being hit by a baseball bat with razor blades taped to the end. The power of his blow sends me flying backwards as the claws slice through my cheek.
Though barely conscious, I count myself lucky. Four inches lower, and he would have hit my jugular. That would have been the end of me.
“You leave my man alone, asshole!” Dana shouts.
Taking advantage of the distraction, she attacks with the walking stick; this time aiming for his hard cock. It’s a direct hit, causing him to howl in pain and topple to the ground. It takes every last bit of strength I have left to roll out of the way and avoid being crushed.
I’ve never seen any living creature in as much pain. As he thrashes about on the ground, Dana and I take cover behind a nearby log, wishing there was something we could do to end his suffering. Eventually, the bear’s entire body seizes up and he lets out a powerful, sustained roar. The sheer brutality of the sound causes Dana to bury her head in my chest.
We hold each other in a tight embrace until the screaming stops. For a moment, we let the silence wash over us. Then, we tentatively peek over the log.
The bear is still. His jaw is lax and his tongue hangs loosely out the side of his mouth.
“Do you think he’s dead?” Dana whispers.
“Well, his chest isn’t moving, and he doesn’t appear to be breathing.”
“God, I feel awful.” Her eyes are red and moist.
“It’s not your fault. I’m the one who brought the Viagra.”
“Yeah, but this whole camping thing was my idea. I just thought…” she sniffles. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m so emotional.”
“We just had a near-death experience. It’s like the end of Speed, only you’re way hotter than Sandra Bullock.”
Dana laughs. “Yeah, right. It’s just we both used to like camping so much.”
“You and Sandra Bullock?”
She gives me a playful slap on the shoulder. “Shut up, you know what I mean. The first time you and I had sex was out here in these very woods.”
I tuck a tear-soaked strand of hair behind her ear. “Trust me, I remember. I think about it all the time.”
“Well, I thought maybe if we came back here, it would — ” She raises an eyebrow. “Hey, uh… are you sure the bear ate all the Viagra? Because something’s happening in your shorts.”
I pull our pelvises apart so I can see my newly-pitched tent. “Well, would ya look at that? No, Babe, I swear. This didn’t come from a bottle.”
“Well… Viagra or not, we’ve both just witnessed what can happen to an unattended erection.”
“Then maybe you should tend to it.”
“Exactly what I was thinking.”
She pulls me in for a hard, passionate kiss. As our tongues mingle, our hands make quick work of the buttons and zippers that separate our genitals. When I reach her pussy, it’s already wet.
I dive right in with my middle finger and work it until she’s warmed up enough for me to add another. And then a third. Meanwhile, she runs her soft digits up and down my hard cock until it’s hot and pulsing like a sausage cooking over a campfire.
And then she inserts me inside of her.
“Fuck me, Brian!”
With the adrenalin coursing through us, we bone like wild dogs. Dead leaves crunch under us as I drive her hips into the ground. Our fingers are intertwined; our lips are locked. Even in this lush landscape, her sweet breath is all I can smell.
As we go at it, I can’t help but wonder how many other animals are fucking nearby. Or is our carnal passion so overwhelming that they’re all hiding in their hovels as they would during a fierce thunderstorm?
When our orgasms hit, we’re suddenly alone in the forest. If a tree were to fall, we wouldn’t hear its scream because it would be drowned out by our own.
Afterwards, we hold each other and stare up at the sky, feeling a profound connection — not just to each other, but to the natural world around us. But our peace is short-lived.
“Did you hear that? Dana asks.
“Unfortunately, yes.”
We look up from our nest just in time to see the bear stroking his cock with both paws until it explodes. His mighty seed blasts forth as though being shot from a fire hose, covering the ground with enough heavy cream to feed an entire neighborhood’s worth of stray cats.
When he’s finally done, he bounds off into the woods.
“Huh,” I say. “I didn’t even know bears jerked off.”
“The ones who take Viagra do, apparently.”
I kiss her cheek. “We should probably go before he comes back.”
“What makes you think he’ll come back?”
“I’ve heard that, once a bear gets a taste for human flesh, that’s all they want to eat. In this case, we’ve gotten him addicted to sex, and we’re his Pornhub. And maybe next time, he won’t be content just to watch.”
“Good call. We don’t want to end up like Leonardo Di Caprio in The Revenant.”
We gather up what’s left of our stuff and make our way down the mountain. Hopefully, we’re not being followed, because, by the time we get to the car, I’ll be ready for Round Two.
With ferocious grizzly bears hanging around, who needs Viagra?
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