[untitled Soul project] — Part 3

*to be updated as November continues*

[This will be written as part of National Novel Writing Month #nanowrimo — Check back for story updates as the month progresses. Leave private notes, highlights or words of encouragement and share freely. Mention "@Ernio" in any responses.
             Thanks, ♡ e]

All I Know, I Walked Away and Cried

Dearest Ramona,

My heart is with you, sister. If I could, I would send it to you because I can’t imagine yours is anything but terribly broken at this moment in your life. Marieta and I were just overwhelmed with heartbreak to hear the news that you lost your baby. I won’t pretend to know the struggle you are going through right now, just know we are there with you in spirit.

There are no words that can completely express the right sentiment. Our condolences, prayers and thoughts are indeed with you, but we know they are ultimately just words spoken or uttered on paper. And they don’t provide you with any more comfort and solace or any less pain and anguish. Nothing will make any of this any easier on you. But you can look to us. We are sending our love and an invitation to turn to us in your hour of need.

We want you to know that our house is open to you if you want to spend some time with family. Or just get away for a while to help you get through this most wretched and dreadful time. You are welcome to stay as long as you want, we have the room. You would not have to worry for a thing and you could come and go as you please. Think on it. And really take your time to decide. Our doors are open whenever you want to come calling.

We don’t want you to feel you are alone in this. And you shouldn’t have to trouble yourself with taking care of Aunt Agnes right now. Her family has assured me that they are going to help her mind the house and handle anything she needs, so you don’t have to worry about her. I know she would want you to make sure you were alright before her anyway.

So please consider it. I mean that. Do not hesitate for fear of imposing upon us. I can tell you now, we will never feel that way. You are part of our family and don’t give that even a second thought. Everything you want and need we can figure out. I’m sending you some money along with this letter to pay for a train ticket up to us or bus if that’s easier for you. I can even come down and ride up with you if you’d like some help. You would not have to worry for anything. You just put yourself first right now.

I don’t want to take away from you the pain you must so rightly be feeling, but I want to share with you whatever support we can give you. You know that we went through the same gut-wrenching loss some years ago and we can tell you first-hand what that was like. I know our circumstances are different and we each have our own paths to walk, our own crosses to bear. But we know talking is really all that helped us. And we’re here.

No lie, it took us a long time to get to where we could live with ourselves again. And feel like we didn’t bring this upon ourselves. Or that we were to blame. We fought tooth and nail to put aside the feelings. And for a while, I won’t hold back anything here, I honestly didn’t know if we were both strong enough to make it through it together.

We cried. Oh how we cried. Until our eyes grew numb. We pushed each other away. We battled with it, with one another, with ourselves. We weren’t sure if we were made to handle this kinda thing when we had only just started growing into our lives as husband and wife. In some strange way, I think we were lucky that our love was still young itself. I know for sure it made us stronger. Not only as a couple but for our own selves. And I’m ever so thankful for that woman.

I am ashamed to say it now, but I thought about leaving her. I know it was wrong of me to even think it, but I did. I was low. Lower than any point in my life. And that in no way reflects any fault or wrongdoing upon Marieta, she deserves far more credit for getting us through this than I do. Those thoughts were my own selfish and inconsiderate way of trying to deal with the unbearable situation.

Whatever comes of your relationship with Deacon Barrett now—and I know your time together has already been full of ups and downs—we want you to know that neither I nor Marieta will judge you. However things end up.

The love that is shared between two people can only ever really be understood by those two people. Everyone else may think they know what goes on or how good or bad they have it, but they’re just fooling themselves. We may look shiny and happy on the outside, but there’s so much more beneath relationships than what the eye can see. That goes the other way too. People who may seem wrong for each other may know and love one another better than the world even knows. So we mean it when we say no judgments.

My dear sister. I’ve said it before many times and it stands true. You can do no wrong in my eyes. I will always love you. I will always be there for you. And I always got your back. You are and always have been the sunshine for me. Even on my darkest days, just the thought of you could bring a smile to my face. When you came into this world, you were a gift of love and light. And it made me want to make the world a better place for you. Whatever it took. And that is still the truth today.

I will tell you one thing that a doctor told me once just after we suffered our loss. The words rung like a bell in my ears when I needed it the most. I was standing in the hall. I didn’t know what I was doing. It was a lot to handle. So much inside me came up and I had to just step out for a minute. I don’t even remember what I said to Marieta. All I know, is that I walked away and cried. It hit me hard.

This doctor walked up to me and asked if I was okay and I told her what we were there for. And just saying it aloud made it all the worse. I completely broke down. She took me aside and said that we were going to search for reason in this. We would naturally want to try and understand how and why this happened to us. What we did wrong. What should we have done differently. What could we have done to bring this upon ourselves. It’s coping mechanisms kicking in.

She took my hand, looked into my eyes and said “Don’t.” This happens far more than anybody knows. It happens to women young and old, healthy and weak, big, small, and all in between. There is no real rhyme and no real reason. It simply happens. And that doesn’t change the fact that it happened to you, but you are certainly not the first and you are definitely not alone.

So I hope her words are the slightest bit of comfort for you. I wish I had the magic way to fix it, but there just isn’t one. It’s something you are going to have to let yourself feel, let yourself hurt, let yourself cry and yell and scream about or whatever works for you. You will have to find for yourself the way to get through it. And you won’t ever really be rid of it, it stays with you. You just hurt a little less each day until you can bring yourself to some small semblance of peace once again.

It is yours. A personal pain. And it will stay with you. To this day, the pain still lingers within me just to think about it. And it will creep up on you when you least expect it. It comes quick and consumes you like an ocean wave on the sandy shore. You can be just walking somewhere and see something that triggers a memory and all of those old emotions come and flood back in.

It hits your heart like a hammer. You feel like your chest just caves in upon itself and the hurt takes over. And that is just for me. I know Marieta has got to feel it all the worse. Ten hundred thousand times over.

They say women aren’t stronger than men, but I never believed it. Women suffer every day. There are constant pains men can’t even comprehend. That we never see because women endure. Women bite their lips, hold their tongues, close their eyes and deny the tears even a wipe. Take a breath and go right back on with their day. And we never see it. We never know because women don’t show it. The cracks in their hearts, the scratches on their skin, the nicks, the cuts, bumps and bruises, the winces, the clenches, the bubbles that burst within. They suffer day upon day. Heart ache. They survive year after year. Heart break.

Look at momma. Her restless heart. She hurt more than any of us will ever know. I saw it and still know that I don’t know her whole story. I know I don’t know half her pain. And I don’t hold blame from her. I still know I was right to take us away, but I still hurt for how I hurt her. I don’t know if I’ll ever find peace with momma, but I feel for the woman. She handled three children, day in and day out, by herself for so long. And somehow managed to take care of pops too.

Maybe we got pain in our roots. Our family tree is full of broken limbs and falling leaves. Maybe that made us a little weaker than the rest of the forest. But we still grow, reaching up, reaching out. Onward towards the sky. Whatever happens to us now won’t ever keep us from being better off than we were back then.

It haunts me I let it go on as long as it did. I didn’t know right away, but I caught on. And believe me when I say Ramona, I know I should have gotten you out of there as soon as I learned. I don’t why I didn’t, I let the fear hold me back. I’m sorry, I am sorry every day that I couldn’t save you sooner, didn’t get you and Leon out before he hurt you. Before he got hold of your innocence. I thought momma would stop it. I thought someone would. It took me too long to work up the courage. And I am ever so sorry I was not stronger then.

He hurt me. But what he did to you and Leon was far worse than any beating I ever got. He may have made me bleed and broke my bones, but my scars and breaks healed. He left your scars on the inside.

I failed you both as a big brother, as your own flesh and blood family, even just as a fellow human. I don’t ask for your forgiveness. I never would. I can’t even find that in my own self. I just hope for the best for both of you. I would give you the world if I had my way. I never want you to want, never want you to hurt again.

I wish only joy for you for the rest of your days. I pray I see you both keep going on to more wonderful and beautiful things. And when my time comes, I will smile thinking of your happy faces, knowing you are both my reason. My pride and joy. My heart and soul. My world.

My life now with Marieta and my little Daniel would mean much less if I didn’t have you and Leon to share in it. I see life in whole new ways with that boy and I am so filled with joy that he has the love of his Uncle Leon and Aunt Ramona. And oh how he loves the two of you. If he got anything from me, it was that. I know you won’t be able to even think of it now. But you will have that one day. I feel it in the depths of my heart, Monie.

You are young yet. You got that on me. When you’re ready I know you will make a beautiful family. You are going to be the most kind and caring mother ever. And your aching heart will heal. It will beat a joyous song we can all dance to. Danny will love his little cousin with the same shining wide eyes he gets when he sees you.

You are strong. I know you are strong. You have grown into such a beaming example of womanhood. A fine, loving, upstanding, gentle soul with more going for her than most. And I know your star will only glow brighter as the years pass.

Take your time. You have got plenty more life to live. And this world may not even be ready for all you have got to give. You grieve. You breathe. You do what your will tells you, what you need to get through. I know you can and I know you will. Come see us. Come stay. Marieta will cook you up a storm. Danny will smother you with kisses and hugs. And I will be overjoyed to just see you. There is nothing but love for you in this house.

That may not sound like much, but it may be just what you could use right now. To know that you are loved. To feel that love is there if you need it. And to know that you mean so much to a whole lot of good folks.

I remember when you first moved to Agnes’ she told me you kept to yourself a lot. I think I would have too. That may be our natural setting. We never came to expect the attention and love of anyone. I know it took me a long time to figure out that we can let down our defenses and let people in. And let people love us without the fear of them turning on us.

You may try to hole yourself up and wallow in your own sorrow. And that may be what you need to do right now. But tomorrow. Or the day after. Or in the weeks to come, promise me you will buy that ticket and get on the train and come knock on our door. We got a place ready for you. In our house. In our family. In our hearts.

But we only got one bathroom, so we’ll have to share that. I love you my darling sister, but I love me a nice hot shower too. Smiles.

Your brother,

Russell Jones, Jr.

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