[untitled Soul project] — Part 2
*to be updated as November continues*
[This will be written as part of National Novel Writing Month #nanowrimo — Check back for story updates as the month progresses. Leave private notes, highlights or words of encouragement and share freely. Mention "@Ernio" in any responses.
Thanks, ♡ e]You Don’t Ever Have to Walk Alone
Hey Leon,
It warms my heart, brother, to hear you are doing so well. Wow, I really can’t believe how you have grown. College. College?! That’s just great news! I was happy enough just to hear from you, but that is all the better. You have had your struggles in school, but you were always smart. I knew one day you would be doing things I never imagined. Far better things than I could. And look at you now.
I’m just… I’m beyond words. For once! But you know me, that never stopped me from writing before. I’ll be damned, you’re becoming a man, you really are. I love the pictures you sent, I think I see a hint of some dirt growing on your lip there. Soon enough, you’ll be fighting them off, if you aren’t already. If there’s anything you got handed down from me, it’s my rugged good looks. I’m teasing you. You’re your own man. Always were.
Ramona looks so grown too. Both of you have got to stop trying to make your brother feel older than I need to. Please send her all my love. And if there’s any left when she’s done with it, take a little some for yourself. I miss you both as much as I did that day I left you. Crazy to think it’s almost 10 years ago now. Funny thing that time, it creeps by you when you’re not looking.
I still got all my charms and wits about me, though, no worries there. But it’s just hard to believe that much time has gone already. And I’m still handsome enough to get my share. Well, I shouldn’t be going on about all that mess now that I found me a good woman. I don’t know, Lee, I don’t like to put my eggs in one basket, but there’s something about this one.
I won’t lie to you, I really wasn’t looking to set myself down just yet. And I’ve told you before—maybe a bit more than I should have—about all the trouble I’ve gotten myself into in the past few years. I never intended to be the kind of man running around with more than one woman at a time, picking up married women and messing around with just the wrong girls. I’ve been down, brother. Real down. I see it now. How I was filling some kind of emptiness inside me in all the wrong ways. But I think I’m on my way back up.
Maybe I needed to get all that junk out of my system. I think I was trying to make up for lost time, since I wasn’t the first horse out of the gate. And it took me a long time to even get started. But then I was off to the races! Too much so. So much I almost ran right past the good thing I got going now. Luckily for me, she saw through that big head of mine and put aside my overconfidence.
Her name’s Marieta and I’m telling you I could go on about her forever. I’m taken with her like I’ve never been with another. She is a real woman of a whole other kind. I feel lucky every time we’re together. And I have been myself with her more than with anyone I have ever shared company with.
She knows me. She knows us. We had one hell of a real deep talk one night. Heck, right into the next morning even, about just everything. Everything that happened to us as kids. I just let it all out, like I hadn’t ever before, not even to Pastor Ayres back when he helped us out of there. And she just listened. She cried too. And she held me as I cried and I felt something I haven’t felt in so long that I thought it wasn’t in me to feel anymore. Loved.
Trust me brother when I tell you, being with a woman is one thing. I won’t deny how that feeling fills you in ways nothing else can. Words haven’t been made yet. Singers and poets keep trying, but not a one has even come close to capturing it. That alone is good. Real good.
Let me tell you, though. When you feel that goodness, that fire, that tenderness, that truth, that nourishing beyond song and poetry kind of good that comes from laying with a woman you love, a woman you have connected with in some deep soulful way. When you look into each others eyes while making love and see yourselves for the hot holy messes of beings put on this world that you are. There are no words. There aren’t even sounds that could convey what that feels like. But I can tell you I don’t ever want it to go away.
I hope one day you feel the way I feel right now. I hope you can just put yourself, all of yourself — the good the bad and the downright ugly—out there for someone and just feel the relief of having them say you are not some broken person. That what happened to you should never have happened to you, to anyone. And then look you right in your eyes, through tears, through years of pain, through old fears and new ones, and just tell you that you are okay. You are in a much better place. And then really be there, for you, with you, and—maybe for the first time in your life—beside you. A true partner.
Whew. Sorry, brother. I got myself all worked up again there. But that’s okay, this time it’s in a good way. Because there’s hope there now where once there was not. I feel like the weight of the world has been taken off my shoulders. Like I can lift my head up again and see the sunshine. And feel it for once in a real way, not like the half-man I have been playing at being in these last few years.
We talk a lot. We have real long and deep conversations. I love to just listen to her speak. I hang on her every word. And when I talk, I can tell she is really taking in my thoughts with as much consideration as she would someone much wiser than me. There’s a great communication with us that is a whole new level for me.
I really want that for you too, brother. Maybe it doesn’t have to be the way I have it, but I want you to know if you ever want to talk about anything— and maybe I haven’t been there for you before in this way, but—I am here now. I will listen.
You may not be ready. And I know you and Ramona both went to some special counselor that Agnes’s preacher set up way back then. So maybe you have gotten through some of it yourself already. Just know, you don’t ever have to walk alone. I am here for whatever, if and whenever you need.
You are my only brother and I know I ain’t much, but I’m as best you got. So I’m ready for you if you ever need me. You can call on me and I’ll come running. You and Ramona are my family, my heart and soul. You can do no wrong in my eyes. And I love you both more than anyone in this whole world.
That goes even if things with me and Marieta get to the point of… I can’t even believe I’m writing these words. No, let me not get ahead of myself. Just know, I’ll never put you two before anyone else in my life. Trust in that. We’ve been through too much together. And that tie between us is stronger because of it.
I worried. I worried for a long time that you both would hate me for taking you away. For leaving you alone in a whole new place. It might have been part of the reason I decided to head out on my own for a while. But mostly I wanted to make sure you were safe. I wanted to put you in good hands and get out of your way.
I feared pops might come. I think I knew momma would stay away, knowing Agnes could give you more. And she wouldn’t have to ask her to, because it was already decided, so she could save face. But pops might have wanted to lash out. To fight back for what I took from him. To once again put me in my place for thinking myself better than he was.
I hoped though, and this is why I saw Pastor Ayres as our light, that if he thought word would get out about what he was really up to, he could lose a lot more than just us. His job. His name. His place in the community he clung to. As much as he wanted to be left alone, pops hated being lonely.
So if all the other fears wouldn’t keep pops from getting to us, I hoped Pastor himself could put the fear into him like no other man could.
Pastor was a good man, a man of truth and conviction. Besides being able to see into a man and size him up with one handshake, he was one of the biggest men I’ve ever known. You may not remember or thought because we were so small that he appeared larger than he actually was. But no, Pastor was a house of worship unto his own.
But I still didn’t know if that was enough. I had no clue how pops would react. My dream was that he would just be relieved and move on with his life. But I hadn’t ever had a dream come true.
I was scared. I took his beatings enough to not be scared about him hurting me. But I was scared of retaliation. I knew showing him up like this, taking away his punching bags and play toys, it might have lit his flame. It could have put the rage that laid behind his eyes over the edge and unleashed the sleeping beast within him. So I wanted to put enough distance between the both of you and me, that if he came for me, he wouldn’t get to you too.
It lightens whatever fear I might have had left in me to see how well you both are thriving there now. You are not only grown, but you both are doing so well for yourself. Ramona’s almost a woman. It gives me an overwhelming sense of pride to see you both happy. Like what I did so long ago may have been worth it. Like I can finally breathe easy now and focus on doing better for myself.
It may still be a long road ahead. And the road behind me even longer now. But I’ve learned about things, I know where I’ve been. I may not be where I’m going yet. But I am finding my way. It may be far off, but I can start to make out where I’m headed. My place off that road. And I can’t wait to rest my aching feet.
I think I’ve gone on long enough now. Forgive your older brother for trying to get down a whole life story into each letter I send. You probably have some real reading to get done, now that you’re going on to study at college. College man! I am so proud of you, brother. Study hard and even work harder. Make what you want of yourself in this world. Take us higher. I know you’ll be great.
Please tell Aunt Agnes I said thank you so much for the invitation to come down for Thanksgiving. Marieta’s family already asked her to bring me along to their place. They live up here, not too far from where I work, and they want to meet me. I’m both nervous and excited at the same time. I have never been to an official sit-down dinner with a girl’s family. Especially not one as meaningful to me as her.
I hope they see how much I love her and how good I’ll be to her. She makes me better than I am, and I pray they see me through her eyes. I hope they see I am done with all that bad in my past and that it is truly behind me now. I’m looking to make good. To do good. And to do right by her. I want to make her as proud to be with me as I am to be with her.
If all goes well, the plan is that I will then save up some extra money. Maybe I’ll take on some side work so that I can make enough to come down for Christmas and bring her along with me. I want you all to meet her. And I want her to know why I’m so proud of my little brother and baby sister. I also want her to see what she’s getting herself into by being with me. Teasing. If I haven’t run her off yet, I don’t know that I can. Which is good, because I sure don’t want to.
I’m so happy with her I feel almost at peace. My guard is down. But I’m okay with that. I think if I’m going to be in this, I have to give her all I got. All my love. All my hopes and dreams, my regrets and my fears. All of me. Just be completely open. It sounds scary as hell to say that, knowing the hurt I’ve seen from love before.
Love has led me to some scary places. Places where you put others before your own self. Your own wellbeing. And I’ve sure had my share of burns from love. I’ve learned a lot about the troubles love can bring you. The down side, the heartbreak and the heartache.
I’ve seen enough of love gone bad to know what it’s like when it’s no longer there. When sweet turns bitter. And the darkness consumes the light. And I learned it all the hard way.
But it’s something I’m going to have to let go. I know I can’t move forward looking back. I can’t stand on the edge and hold on expecting that will be enough to get me by. You can’t close your eyes thinking love won’t leave you if you can’t see it go. That’s not how love works.
You have to take that leap of faith. Jump in. Dive in. Or fall, freely, into love. And that’s all right by me. I think I’m ready to let that kind of love in again. It may be weak, but my broken heart has been put back together. It’s getting stronger, louder and better with every beat.
See you soon brother, with love,
Russell Jones, Jr.
