Unsolicited Advice

Don’t do it.

I broke my own rule.

Rarely if ever, give advice* even if a person asks for it.

Instead, ask a question. Say nothing.

Sometimes unsolicited advice can be perceived as criticism of the person to whom you are speaking. It might even come across as a way of telling the person to whom you are handing out your unsolicited advice that they have no idea what they are doing.

They may not, but if they didn’t ask for your sage words of wisdom, maybe just zip it.

A little story of what happened just the other day.

I just have to own it. I am a “Helpful Hanna” a “Nancy Nice” and for me that can spell trouble more times than I care to count. I walk around with an invisible piece of tape on my mouth to avoid blurting out unsolicited advice. Sometimes I cannot resist being “helpful” and it sure can backfire.

The story: I was walking my Labrador Retriever, Jill, and coming toward us across the street were two women walking what appeared to be a Pit Bull mix a very young dog.

As they passed us on the other side of the street the Pit Bull pup went wild barking, pulling, and lunging toward us.

Because the Pit Bull was wearing a choker collar as the dog’s owner tried to drag and subdue the dog, it flipped over and landed on its back.

My Labrador barely noticed this interaction and it probably would have been best if we had just kept going.

But no. I had to say something.

Well intended, not meant as a criticism, I called across the street that the woman whose dog it was might want to try a “freedom harness”. A freedom harness gives the owner total control over the dog without choking, prongs, or shocking. It was recommended to me by the rescue where I got my Labrador Retriever and it has been a “very good thing” as Martha Stewart might say.

As you can imagine, the two women did not take this comment very well, and, as you might expect they reacted badly, “Shut the f&ck up, shut the f&ck up,” the woman handling the dog and her friend yelled out as they walked away.

They kept saying “ Shut the f&ck up” as they headed down the block.

At first, I was angry about how they reacted, I thought, “Rude, how could they not accept my caring concern for their dogs’ welfare? I was trying to help them have a more enjoyable dog walking experience, right?”

(Then I thought, “ Hmm, maybe it is a race thing.”

I am white, they were not.

Maybe. Possibly. But no. Maybe it was this.

Who the “fuck” asked me for my advice?

What if I was just plain wrong?

What if when I broke my own rule of not handing out unsolicited advice to total strangers or any advice at all, (unless in circumstances such as a critical situation or an emergency )I got what I deserved. I pissed off these women by being ‘Nancy Nice’ and ‘Helpful Hanna’.

I had to mull this one over for a couple hours and in my usual brain-obsessing way, I realized that I owed them an apology that I may never get the chance to give these women.

And likely it was best to leave it alone now.

What if they felt criticized? When “Helpful Hanna” took over, I was unwittingly saying that I thought they did not know what they were doing.

And who knows, maybe they do, and may be they do not know how to handle their dog, but is it up to me to tell them what to do?

In other words, who asked you to butt in?

*Only if the situation turned dangerous for me and my dog, but it was not.

I had to learn a lesson all over again, that I should keep my advice to myself unless it is asked for. I looked inside myself and remembered what I was trained to do during my personal coach training so many years ago and ask the person doing the asking , “What do you think you should do?”

Let people puzzle out their situation and if for some reason advice is called for, hand it out but sparingly.

Most people do know what to do, often they do not trust their own instincts.

Best for me to check out whether the person asking for my advice does want to hear what I have to say, and not be attached to whether they listen and do something based on what was offered.

And I make this promise to myself: Just don’t frickin’ do it.

Do not give out unsolicited advice.

Gotta ask, how many of you hand out unsolicited advice?

Might want to resolve not to. And like me just “shut the fuck up”.

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