Unraveling

Falling into depression as pandemic-fatigue settles in

I was deep into down dog, arms stretched by the ears, hips up and back feeling that deep stretch in my hamstrings, at one with my breath, when suddenly my attention shifted and swiftly knocked me out of my Zen.

What is that I asked myself still inverted, my eyes drawn to something crumpled under my nightstand, and how long has it been there?

I came upright only to get on all fours again and investigate, flashlight in hand, my curiosity rising. It was full of dust balls, sleek, black, soft…and then it hit me; a pair of boxers, his boxers, the one who broke my heart into tiny little pieces when he abruptly walked out of my life five months prior. I’m not sure what upset me more at that moment — the memory of him, again, disrupting my happy headspace or the fact that I hadn’t cleaned under my nightstand since Veronica stopped coming during the lockdown; both were equally upsetting.

My life was unraveling as quickly as my eagle pose — unable to find grounding or any sense of balance.

I tossed the dusty boxers into the hamper, completed my YouTube yoga session, and went on with my day.

But a few hours later after I fed the kids, who only a few days prior went back to school after six months at home, and after I worked, did laundry, studied, cleaned the house, and bought myself a bouquet of my favorite flowers (because you have to learn to date yourself first), after I passed the ex-boyfriend’s place on my way home, and my old wedding song from a man who was now making my life a legal hell greeted me on the radio, and after for the first time in 25 years I heard an old friend cry, and I passed an outdoor birthday party where twenty little girls huddled near a piñata unmasked during a global pandemic — only then did I completely lose it.

It was too much, all of it; from the boxers to the song to the unmasked children to COVID-fears to being a single mom in a pandemic to having a relationship end with someone I deeply loved to doing yoga in my bedroom deeply breathing in dust bunnies. I was done.

I opened my heart, real and raw, revealing every bit of my insides to Fakebook and as the comments of shared suffering began flooding my newsfeed, so did the floodgates open and the pent-up tears begin to rush in.

As I picked out my favorite vase for the happy flowers I had just bought myself, my knees gave out and I crumbled in the corner of my kitchen and sobbed like I hadn’t done in years. I vividly recalled the last time I cried this way and it brought a smile to my face through the tears as I remembered that I was three beers in, a hot mess in the throes of my divorce, scraped off the floor by an angel girlfriend.

This time, coffee in hand, there would be no scraping; I would pick myself up, strong and capable, and then I would pick up my kids from their playdates.

I may have unraveled, but like they say in yoga; it’s ok if you fall.

We can’t be strong all the time; we are human after all. If you fall, just try again. Pick yourself up or allow someone else to lift you.

Get back into the pose and into your life.

As the rest of the week continued to unfold, my community and family rallied around me, I slowly began to pick up my shattered pieces, struggling to do so more than ever before. I find it harder to get out of bed and to do what I need these days. I am exhausted; both physically and emotionally. My eating has been all over the place; indulging and restricting, perpetuating an ongoing struggle with my body image as I grasp for some sense of control. It has been harder for me to regulate my emotions, to find balance, and to find joy in this turbulent time. I am not my typical happy and strong-self. I know she’s in there, but she is struggling to reemerge, meeting herself with needed compassion in the interim.

These are tough times and we are all in this together as cliché as these words have recently become. The pandemic has taken its toll on all of our lives and continues to do so with no end in sight, many of us now feeling the effects of COVID-fatigue. Unable to hit pause on the rest of our lives, they too continue to unravel as days turn into weeks and months. This new, unchartered territory, comes with implications for all of us and we must allow ourselves to go through it as it comes; allowing ourselves to fall and to rise and to seek support when we need it.

Let’s lift each other up when we need lifting and sit with each other when we need to fall, allowing each other to experience the range of emotions; allowing ourselves to be human.

Seek a mental health professional if you or someone you know is struggling with depression.