Date Yourself First
Because finding a good man these days is like finding a unicorn.
In this strange era of swiping left and right, and first dates that end in great kisses only never to be heard from again, finding a good man is like finding a unicorn and dating ourselves is like the new black.
About two years ago I decided that I was no longer going to wait around to have someone in my life, be it a boyfriend or a bestie, to do the things that I wanted to do. To get started and prove to myself that I was indeed enough, I went hiking by myself, and then I went to a neighborhood Fourth of July parade with myself. I started taking myself to dinners and lunches on patios, rooftops, and fancy sushi bars, complete with a glass of wine of course, and to the movies too. I started exploring my city like a tourist with myself.
Not alone, you see, but rather with myself. The difference is in the intentionality; in the choice to spend time actually doing things with yourself versus the alternative of not doing them at all.
I started participating in my life as I wanted to live it, and independent of whether another was available to do so with me. I took myself on a road trip, crossing two state lines, excitedly pointing out every cow and horse along the way. I stayed in a swanky hotel in a small town in Arkansas, went on a night walk to the museum, and ate my way through the town square where a Winter Wonderland lit up the city with Christmas lights. Three days later I flew myself to New Orleans over Christmas; I stayed in the heart of the French Quarter, tried my first Sazerac, enjoyed beignets by the river, made friends, and had a magical time.
There was great freedom in this for me. I felt empowered and excited to be exploring and living out my life regardless of not having a partner in crime to do it with. I had me.
I started to really invest in myself; in my physical and emotional health, in my self-care, in building a solid relationship with myself so that I truly liked who I was. I wanted to like who I am enough to do cool stuff with myself, enough to sit quietly with myself, and enough to someday share myself with the right man.
Finding a good man might really be like finding a unicorn, but it is no fairytale.
It is as if every single star in the sky must align and it seems to be getting trickier with age as we all now come with baggage and wounding, and sometimes kids too. Fortunately, I always have myself to go back to and when I do and do so with the intentionality that any date deserves, it changes my being in the present and brings me joy. For in those moments I rediscover who I am and what I am capable of, and I come to know my true self again.
And the absence of that unicorn becomes smaller as my life experience gets bigger.
Speaking of that alleged unicorn, I hope he too knows how to be alone and not because he is solitary or afraid of connection, but rather because he truly likes who he is enough to be enough for himself, enough to do cool stuff with. I want a man who knows how to be with himself because he chooses to, because he is selective and because he too values himself enough to work on himself before sharing himself with another.
The man that jumps from one relationship to the next uses relationships to fill a void within him that clearly deserves some focused attention of another kind.
I want a man who has worked through those voids and who feels whole and complete as he is, with or without a woman, and I hold myself to the same standards. I choose me over sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring, over dating the wrong man, over putting my life on hold until that first-date kiss becomes a second, third or fourth date that can now go hiking with me. I am done waiting.
I am consciously dating myself and I invite you to do the same. Seize the moment, seize the day, live the life you wish to live. Be enough for yourself first.
Don’t wait to find that unicorn to start (or continue) your life nor settle for a pony. Do you. Be you. Choose you. Learn to date yourself first.
