mental health

Understanding Our Inner Critic

Why is our inner voice negative sometimes and how can we change that?

This article is a continuation of my previous article on the inner voice (Do You Have an Inner Voice? — Not all people do!). After some questions and realizations arose in the comment section, I decided to address the reasons why our inner voice (or, visualizations for those who lack an inner voice) can be negative at times.

Blogs by J did a great job addressing the negative inner voice and how we can switch things around by treating ourselves like we would treat a friend (you can read the article here).

To avoid repeating what Blogs by J so nicely conveyed in their article, I’ll focus more on what creates a negative inner voice, what different types of it there are, and what is the best scientifically proven ways to make peace with it.

Table of Contents − How is the inner critic created? − Variations of the inner critic − Potentially harmful short-term solutions − Making peace with your inner critic − Liminality − Concluding remarks

How is the inner critic created?

In order to survive when we are born, we form attachment bonds with our primary caregivers. The names of the styles of attachment change depending on whether we refer to childhood or adulthood, but they can basically be divided into two categories: secure and insecure.

In secure attachment, the child knows that the caregiver is dependable and a safe person to be around. In adulthood, the person can form healthy relationships and take care of themselves emotionally. In insecure attachment, the child feels uneasy about the caregiver. They might feel that the caregiver will abandon them, mistreat them, or develop a dependency relationship with them. As an adult, that person will feel the same way about their partners and friends.

You can read more about attachment and its different subtypes here.

The way our primary caregivers talks to us or about us, shapes what our inner voice will be like when we grow up. For example, if a child grows up being scolded for everything they do, their inner voice will start telling them that they’re not good enough.

The inner critic also draws material to use against the self from other significant interactions we have in childhood and adolescence, such as the school and our peers.

Variations of the inner critic

Our inner critic can take on many forms. Most frequently it is encountered as part of our regular thought process, making it hard for us to identify it.

Other times, it can manifest as identifiable thoughts. This means that, even though the criticism is part of our own thoughts, we are able to identify its source. For example, we can say “that’s something my parents would say”. Or, we remember having heard something similar in our past even if we can’t recall the exact words.

Another variation of the inner critic is actually the auditory and visual hallucinations that people with psychosis experience. In these cases, the judgmental inner voice is perceived as being the result of an external source. Usually, the auditory hallucinations take on the voices of important people who have been judgmental to that person in the past (source).

Addiction/dependency cravings are also considered to be part of the inner dialogue.

Potentially harmful short-term solutions

When people are trying to stop their critical inner voice, their first instinct is to tell it to stop, or to distract themselves. This works briefly, but since 2008, research has shown that it reinforces negative connections in the brain (source).

More specifically, our brain is able to perform something known as neuroplasticity. In other words, the brain is continuously building new neuronal connections as long as we keep on learning. When we have a negative inner voice and we tell it things like “shut up!”, “stop!”, or try to ignore it, the brain reinforces this connection.

If our style of attachment is insecure, then the brain starts thinking that we’re back in a situation where we’re not being heard, or we’re being punished for trying to express our needs. The more this connection is reinforced, the more the brain starts equating its emotional pain with physical pain (source).

And, when the brain thinks that we’re actually hurting and the body says we’re not, then the brain will increase the self-doubt, leading to a more negative inner voice. And thus, a vicious circle is created. This is also one of the causes of self-harm, when the brain wants the body to be hurt so that the brain’s emotional pain is justified.

Such drastic approaches (i.e. telling the inner voice to stop or ignoring it) are popular with people who try to overcome addictions. According to research though, it’s better to slowly transition to a more compassionate approach, for the reasons mentioned previously (source 1, source 2)

So, please, don’t tell your inner voice to shut up. And don’t ignore it either. It’s not helping you in the long run.

Making peace with your inner critic

Utilizing self-compassion and understanding has been proven since 2008 to be the best way we can use to make peace with our inner critic (source). The article of Blogs by J is a great example of what self-compassion can look like.

Self-compassion helps us understand what our inner voice wants to tell us. Maybe it’s there to stop us from getting hurt. Or, perhaps it’s our way of still trying to be “the perfect child”. Whatever the case might be, understanding the inner voice is a crucial step.

Engaging with love is another step. Instead of shouting back or ignoring yourself (like a caregiver probably did, for example), try asking yourself what is needed in that moment. Is it comfort? Maybe you want to go somewhere quiet? Maybe you want a hug?

If you can’t (or don’t want to) ask someone to hug you, you can always hug yourself! In the video playlist linked here, you’ll find some ways which are proven to work for self-soothing, including the “butterfly hug”.

Liminality

In architecture, liminal space is the space that connects one place with another (e.g. a hallway, like in the photo). In psychology, we use the term to denote a transitory phase. For example, when a person has reached a point in their life where they must make an important decision.

While we’re in liminal space, the brain is much more receptive to thoughts and external stimuli. When you’re trying to decide what to do with your negative inner dialogue, the brain enters this liminal space. It’s quite an uncomfortable position to be in, so it pushes you to decide fast.

Therefore, if you keep telling yourself to “shut up”, the brain will always prefer this shortcut to get out of the “creepy hallway” faster. Thus, you get out of the liminality but you hurt yourself through unconsciously replicating behaviors that hurt you in the past.

Self-compassion and self-soothing can help us tolerate the liminal space long enough to choose a healthy way to respond to the negative inner voice.

Concluding remarks

There’s no denying that some people find it helpful to tell themselves to “shut up” or to ignore their inner voice (such as in addictions, as we said earlier). Maybe that’s all they need. However, we know through research that, for most people, self-compassion works best.

Therefore, this article is not meant to disprove anyone’s experiences. Rather, it aims to present the healthier and sustainable alternatives that are being used from psychologists.

If you want to learn more about self-compassion, I strongly suggest visiting self-compassion.org where you can find exercises and many more amazing resources.