CAMPUS LIFE

Uncle Freeman’s Survival Guide for the College Freshman

Party when you can, study when you must, sleep when you’re dead

Dear Trix,

Look at you. All grown up and off to college. It seems like only yesterday you were all glitter and ponies, and the next thing I know I’m cleaning vodka bottles, vomit and used condoms out of my van after lending it to you for prom.

I did the best I could to help your parents raise you right and prepare you for life, but it’s not my fault they don’t know shit with all their fancy cars, lake house and whatever. I mean look at them, hyperventilating in a fetal position on your bedroom floor, moaning about how their precious bundle of joy can’t wait to abandon the downy sanctuary of childhood for the seductive vortex of unregulated and unmonitored freedom.

And all on their dime, too.

What a couple of losers.

But don’t think you’re so smart, either, kid. That crap you pulled with the cops on prom night was no bueno.

They kept my van for three days.

I’ve got pools to clean, punk. And I’m still waiting on you to pay me back for the impound fee. If we’re being honest here, I’m not so sure you’re ready for the demands and rigors of college life, either.

Lucky for you, ol’ uncle Freeman’s got your back. My seven years as an undergrad put me in a unique position to understand and demystify our system of higher education for you.

I’ve collected a few strategies, aphorisms, bromides and mantras to help you navigate the uncertainties and pitfalls of freshman year so you can make sound decisions that will benefit your future going forward. So listen up, kid.

FRESHMAN YEAR 101

Beer is not food, but alcohol is vegan.

The rock upon which civil society rises is reason, but if you can’t get your way, stamp your foot and cry. If that fails, pretend to faint.

Declare major. Change major. Repeat.

Great news: semen is organic, gluten-free and 100% renewable. And only contains 5–25 calories, depending on the load! Not-so-great news: Yuk.

Be kind and generous to your roommate, even if you don’t like him/her; you may need him/her to bail you out of jail one night.

Making the Dean’s List looks great on your transcript, but making the guest list for Punxsutawney Phil’s Groundhog Day Kegger Blowout looks even better on your social feed.

Never, EVER use your real name.

Study hard, but strive for balance; good grades will not make you happy. Only likes and followers can make you happy.

The goal is world domination.

Whenever offered a beverage, always insist on champagne; it will enhance your mystique, even if it brands you ‘difficult.’ Which, if we’re being honest, will enhance your mystique even more.

The capital of South Dakota is Pierre. You’ll be surprised how many people don’t know that.

There is no shame in sleeping with the professor for an A. Unless you don’t get the A. It happens, but it’s a total dick move on the part of the prof.

Do not be afraid to fall on your face. You’ll always have your major to fall back on.

This list is in no way exclusive or exhaustive. Uncle Freeman welcomes your own college survival tips.

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