VACCINE UPDATE

Wait ’Til You Hear About the Good COVID-19 Vaccine Side Effects

Reanimation makes becoming magnetized seem so worth it

Yesterday L and I were in line at Walgreens to get a COVID booster on our doctor’s recommendation. We began chatting with others in line, all wearing masks.

When a maskless woman overheard most of us were there for boosters, she looked alarmed and asked what side effects we had experienced. A few aches. Some fatigue. Nothing much, nothing unusual.

Well, SHE had never had a headache in her life, but five months after receiving her COVID shot began suffering migraines. Her head was still pounding at that minute. It got so bad she never got another shot.

Everyone in line took a step back.

I’ve never had a migraine myself, but I’ve had my share of cluster headaches. I thought she looked pretty chipper for someone in the midst of a now months-long migraine attack.

I wanted to ask her, “If you have never had a headache before, how do you know what you’re experiencing are migraines?” And I’d follow up with, “Why do you think they were caused by a vaccine you received five months prior to their onset?”

Instead, I kept my mouth shut.

L later told me she wanted to remind the woman headaches are a symptom of COVID and to ask if she’d been tested recently.

Instead, she turned to the woman and said:

You have migraines? Me too, sister. Forced me to drop out of medical school. And you know what? I took the vaccine and they were gone the next day. Totally cured me. That COVID shot was a gift from God.

The maskless woman gasped breathlessly.

THE God?

The one and only. Not only that, Prescot here had backne, and he had it bad, believe you me. His back and butt looked like the surface of another planet, only hairier. But after getting the vaccine, it all cleared up. It even became smoother, tanned and sculpted. Hubba hubba.

He does have a lovely complexion, no offense.

None taken. And Sunny’s SATs. My niece. Not the sharpest knife in the shed if you know what I mean. She was dreading test day. But she got the vaccine on the Wednesday before, and that Saturday aced her boards. Her mom gave her one of those at-home IQ tests after her scores came in and we learned her IQ had jumped 13 points to almost 90! Guess that’s why they call it a booster!

Do you think it could have been the microchip?

Could do. But not the dog. She had the runs something awful. Just about shit us out of house and home, so we took her to the vet to put her down. But on the way we stopped at this very pharmacy for snacks and decided to give the vaccine a try, and wouldn’t you know, it firmed her up right away. And we know it couldn’t have been psychosomatic because she’s a dog and had no clue whether she received a live dose or a placebo.

Wait, what kind of dog was it again?

And remember when the dishwasher conked out on us for a week and then magically started working again? I think that happened right after we got our second COVID shots, didn’t it?

Did you say dishwasher?

And then there’s Aunt Ida from Idaho who wouldn’t take the vaccine if her life depended on it. We tried to encourage her — showed her all the studies and statistics — but she just refused to let the government inject her with nano trackers.

Anyhoo, Ida caught COVID and died.

But then we just gave her the vaccine, and wouldn’t you know, she came right back to life!

That’s a miracle.

You think? Ooh, they’re calling our name, now. Good luck with your headaches, hon.

Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this, here’s another from me courtesy of Doctor Funny:

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