(Un)Helpful Tips for Dealing with Depression
For when you’re sick of hearing “have you tried eating right and exercising?”
As someone who has dealt with depression their whole life, I’ve heard a lot of really, really bad advice for coping with it. Now, I could talk about some of that bad advice and explain why it’s bad, but I’d rather just make up some much worse advice and give it to you in list format. Here you go!
(Please do not do any of these. This is just a joke article, I don’t want to get calls from your lawyers later.)
Therapy is great at helping process emotions, but it’s expensive. Do you know what’s better than therapy? Writing hundreds of thousands of words of smutty, kinky fanfiction! Nothing says “road to recovery” like a 200,000-word Ron Weasley/Dr. Doofenshmirtz vore fic.
Depression tends to affect your motivation, which makes chores hard. To help keep up with things, consider learning mad science and animating an army of undead abominations to do your chores for you!
Fish oil and Omega 3 fatty acids are great for helping deal with depression symptoms, but they make you smell all fishy. Instead, try blitzing a salmon filet in the blender and pouring it in your coworker’s car vents! That’ll show that loser Steve who’s the best office prankster!
Depression makes you think about sad things. However, next time you’re having a negative thought, just multiply it by another negative thought and you’ll get a positive thought! Just don’t take the square root of a negative thought, or it’ll mess with your imagination.
Sometimes, depression makes you want to sleep all the time. Don’t do that. Instead, try summoning the elder god Cthulhu from his slumber deep within the ocean to bring madness and eternal nightmares upon us all!
When you’re depressed, sometimes everything feels like all life is suffering. That’s okay, just study Buddhism, for in Buddhism, all life is suffering. Take up meditation and seek Nirvana. But not, like, the meditation that Karen from the office talks about when she’s rambling about her chakras. Like, actual, proper meditation. I mean, if you’re in a decent-sized city, look for a Buddhist temple and they’ll tell you about it.
Everyone tells you to exercise when you’re depressed, but it can be hard to motivate yourself to move. If you need help getting up and about, try turning to a life of petty theft! Running from the police burns loads of calories!
Sometimes, people wearing yoga pants and “Live Laugh Love” t-shirts like giving you bad advice that is unhelpful or worse, actively harmful. Instead of brushing them off or ignoring them, try punching them in the face! You’ll probably feel much better after that!
Remember, depression is tough, but you’re tougher. With these surefire tips, you’ll kick your depression in no time!
(Please, don’t actually do any of these. I don’t have any money for you to take in whatever lawsuit you might file against me.)
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