It’s Hard to Believe That “It Gets Better” When You’re Depressed

And why it’s still good to say it.

I’ve been dealing with depression since I was 12. Over two decades later, it’s a fairly common thing for me to experience bouts of depression periodically. It is such a regular occurrence in my life that I don’t even think twice about it once I realize that I’m depressed.

Just another bout of depression, I think to myself. It’ll pass eventually.

At least, that’s what I try to tell myself. Depression is a wily thing, and a depressed brain likes to lie to you. It will never get better, your depression tells you. Nothing will ever get better. Why bother trying?

It is, of course, wrong. Life ebbs and flows like everything, and times when things are horrible generally give way to better times eventually. During one of the worst times in my life, I was dealing with regular depression for the better part of two years. We were rocked by constant crises and emergencies and I just generally hated everything.

It did get better, though. Work leveled out, my family issues eventually stopped bothering me as much, and my partner and I settled into post-emergency life. It took a few years, but we got there. And, throughout the hell that was life during those few years, I would regularly remind myself that things would get better.

“It gets better” is a common refrain among people giving advice to the depressed and anxious. Yes, you are too depressed to get out of bed, but it gets better! Yes, your anxiety is so high that you can’t leave the house, but it gets better! Your mental illness is eating your brain and destroying your life, but it gets better!

The thing is, when you’re in the middle of a depressive episode or an anxiety attack, it definitely doesn’t feel like it will ever get better. When you’ve gained weight, lost friends, and damaged your work relationships because depression is ravaging your life, things tend to look pretty bleak. As I said, depression lies to you and tells you everything is awful and nothing will ever get better.

It does, though. Depression is a misfiring of your brain, and managing it with medication and self-care practices can help you get through it. Eventually, the depression will pass and you’ll realize that things aren’t as apocalyptic as they seemed. The trick is getting through it intact, which is the hard part.

For a lot of us, particularly people who have dealt with mental illness for years or decades, “it gets better” is both a mantra and a joke. On the one hand, it’s a pithy bumper sticker catchphrase that people in yoga pants and “live laugh love” shirts like to say, usually in the same breath as something like “have you tried taking a walk?” On the other hand, sometimes the only thing that gets me through a depression spike is repeating it to myself as many times as it takes.

I’ve seen this play out before, so to speak. The hero gets depressed in the beginning — maybe because of something that happened, maybe because of stress, maybe for no reason, maybe some combination of those things. He spends the bulk of the time being depressed, not taking care of himself, and generally feeling like garbage. Then, as we reach the climax, he comes out of it. Sometimes it’s thanks to one particular thing, but often it just sort of happens. Life gets better, things improve, and the hero’s mood lifts. The ending is always ambiguous — there will always be another depression on the horizon — but for now, things are good.

Generally speaking, it always follows this basic framework for me. There’s the start, the depressive low, some ups and downs, and then the rise out of depression. In over twenty years of dealing with this, it has always improved, and I have always made it out of the hole. So, having seen how it plays out every time, it can be reassuring to know that it will happen again. Even though I’m depressed now, I will make it out of the hole eventually.

That said, it doesn’t always work. As I said above, depression lies to you a lot, and one of those lies is that it will never get better. No matter how many times you tell yourself, no matter how many times people reassure you, it feels like nothing will ever improve. Hearing those three little words is enough to make you feel even worse than you already do. It won’t get better. It will never get better.

Everyone has different ways of dealing with depression. We all have our bits of self-care that we do to help — exercising, eating comfort foods, watching comforting shows, and just doing our best to feel better, to feel anything. Reminding ourselves that it gets better doesn’t always help, but it can.

Sometimes it takes a daily reminder to yourself to help you get through it. Sometimes you need a friend or loved one to remind you. Sometimes it doesn’t matter who says it or how often it’s said, you’ll never believe it. That’s okay. What works for someone doesn’t work for others, and what works once may not work the next time.

Whether it works for you or not, the important thing is that you keep putting one foot in front of the other and give yourself permission to not be okay. “It gets better” is a mantra, not a command, and even if you say it to yourself every day five times a day, it may still take a year to get to that mythical “better.” The important thing is that you keep moving forward, even if just a little bit.

If all you did today was eat junk food in bed, at least you ate something. If you dragged yourself into work and didn’t accomplish anything, at least you showed up. Not every day will be productive, not every day will feel good, and that’s okay. Even if it doesn’t feel that way, it will, eventually, get better.

Most of all, be kind to yourself. You may feel useless and worthless, but that’s the depression talking. Depression sucks enough as it is; there’s no reason to beat yourself up and make it worse.

So, if you are dealing with depression, remember these things: keep moving forward, be kind to yourself, and even when it doesn’t feel like it, it does get better. You’ll get there eventually. I know you can do it, and I believe in you.

If you liked this, please subscribe to my publication, Thing a Day. I publish something every day on a variety of topics, so you never know what you’re going to see!

Here are some other things I’ve written: