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Abstract

that’s exactly what you’ll be — with everyone, not just with your parents.</blockquote>People-pleasing can also stem from past trauma, self-esteem issues, and/or fear of rejection, according to <a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/people-pleaser">Crystal Raypole</a>. Do I get bonus points for identifying with all three of these categories?How can I overcome this toxic addiction?<blockquote id="63fa">Ultimately, the solution for people-pleasers, as with so many other dysfunctional personality patterns, is to learn how to become more self-validating. Only through learning how to feel okay solely from within is it possible to undo the essential motivation for pleasing others — which, of course, is based on the need to earn their validation. — <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/200807/parent-pleasing-people-pleasing-part-3-3">Dr. Leon F. Seltzer</a></blockquote>I understand what Dr. Leon is saying, but putting this into practice is much harder than acknowledging the issue. I understand. I struggle with low self-esteem, and I know I shouldn’t listen to my negative self-talk.So, how do I, and other people-pleasers, move on and put this advice into practice?<h2 id="a07c">Evaluate your actions and reactions.</h2>When you need to make a choice (or act), ask, “Is the choice I’m making for me or someone else?” If the choice is for someone else decide why you are making that choice. Will the potential outcomes of that choice be worth your investment in that choice? Will it be healthy for you?You can evaluate the choices you make for yourself the same way.Evaluate the way you react to the circumstances in which you find yourself. Why did you react the way you did? Was it a positive reaction or a negative reaction? Was it a healthy reaction? How did you feel after the reaction?Become the owner of your actions and reactions. <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5912064/?ref_=tt_ov_inf">Kim’s Convenience</a> is one of my favorite shows. IMDB states it well as — the misadventures of a Korean-Canadian family running a convenience store.(Spoiler Alert!) In season 2, episode 10, Janet learns that her boyfriend is engaged to be married. This is an arranged marriage from his Indian parents. He has known about this arrangement for a while but didn’t bother telling Janet.Janet confronts him and says…<blockquote id="ceba">I am not upset. I am angry, and sometimes I cry when I’m angry. These tears are not for you, they’re for me for wasting so much time with you.</blockquote>In this scene, she owns both her chosen acti

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on and reaction. She is choosing to be angry while acknowledging that this choice sometimes leads to tears.<h2 id="aac8">Work toward replacing your inner critic.</h2>One of my biggest struggles is dealing with my negative self-talk. Dr. Jennice Vilhauer calls this voice your <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201603/4-ways-stop-beating-yourself-once-and-all">inner critic</a>. She says we need to identify and confront this critic.Everyone has issues that can be ridiculed. We shouldn’t let our inner critic’s words define us. We challenge the inner critic and develop the positive authority inside us by pointing out our good qualities. We ALL have those too!Dr. Vilhauer says the more you challenge and confront the inner critic the less it will come around! This reminds me of the old <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Two_Wolves">Cherokee parable</a>. It has been told many ways but here’s the gist. A grandfather explains the inner conflict he has.“There are two wolves and they are always fighting. One is darkness and despair, the other is light and hope.”“Which wolf wins?” Asks the grandson. “Whichever one you feed.” The grandfather answers.<h2 id="9759">My validation that this works.</h2>What was my circumstance? My yard guy was not meeting my reasonable expectations of keeping my yard looking good. That was an honest assessment. What was my action? I fired him. Was that choice for me or someone else? That choice was for me and it was the right call.What was my reaction? I was worried about how he felt. Was that reaction for me or someone else? It was for both of us, but mainly for me. Was that healthy? No, since I have no control over him and I was making the right decision. I needed to let it go.What has my inner critic saying?<blockquote id="d6c8">You know your yard guy is a single dad. You know he struggles with finding childcare for his daughter. You know he’s had a rough summer and that he has been sick. You need to be more patient with him. You are horrible!</blockquote>How did I challenge this inner critic?<blockquote id="dcad">Yes, all those things are true but your last statement. We ALL have issues. My issues have issues, yet I show up every day to my job. I accomplish the tasks that I’ve been given. I can not control my yard guy, and it’s fine if I want to fire him for not doing the job I hired him to do.</blockquote>These two steps are working for me. My yard is getting maintenance each week, and my inner critic is not showing up in my psyche as often. Give them a try and let me know how they work out for you.</article></body>

Two Steps to Help You Overcome Your People-Pleasing Behaviour

The story of how I fired my yard guy (and my inner critic)

I fired my yard guy today. It was difficult for me to do. My name is Michael Hollifield, and I’m a people-pleaser. I don’t like for anyone to be upset with me.

When I mess up and people are upset with me, that is difficult for me to deal with, but understandable. When someone is not doing what they told me they would do, and I make a decision and they get upset with that decision, I should not let that bother me.

I communicate with my yard guy through texting. I pay him through PayPal. (I know, that’s so 2000’s right?!?!) He has struggled with consistency since he took over the lawn care side of the business. The previous owner was very dependable.

A month ago, after he hadn’t cut my grass in three weeks, I texted him. “Are you planning on cutting my yard today? If not, I have a guy that said he could cut it within the next hour.” He fell all over himself apologizing and said he would be there that day to cut my grass. He cut it that afternoon.

Since that time, he’s made promise after promise that he would get back on a weekly schedule. After giving me excuses of having big mulching jobs, my grass was back to two-plus weeks overdue for a manicure. I sent him a text today stating I no longer needed him to cut my grass.

I made the right decision but why am I worried about my ex-yard guy’s mental state after receiving my text? Here’s where my people-pleasing baggage comes in. It’s been 16 hours and 20 minutes since I sent him my text and he’s not responded. Did he get it? Is he upset? Did he read it and accept it?

How did I get this way?

Patrícia S. Williams in this wonderful article states that people-pleasers begin their journey as parent-pleasers. She says…

As children, we absorb everything. And when you’re raised to become compliant and agreeable, that’s exactly what you’ll be — with everyone, not just with your parents.

People-pleasing can also stem from past trauma, self-esteem issues, and/or fear of rejection, according to Crystal Raypole. Do I get bonus points for identifying with all three of these categories?

How can I overcome this toxic addiction?

Ultimately, the solution for people-pleasers, as with so many other dysfunctional personality patterns, is to learn how to become more self-validating. Only through learning how to feel okay solely from within is it possible to undo the essential motivation for pleasing others — which, of course, is based on the need to earn their validation. — Dr. Leon F. Seltzer

I understand what Dr. Leon is saying, but putting this into practice is much harder than acknowledging the issue. I understand. I struggle with low self-esteem, and I know I shouldn’t listen to my negative self-talk.

So, how do I, and other people-pleasers, move on and put this advice into practice?

Evaluate your actions and reactions.

When you need to make a choice (or act), ask, “Is the choice I’m making for me or someone else?” If the choice is for someone else decide why you are making that choice. Will the potential outcomes of that choice be worth your investment in that choice? Will it be healthy for you?

You can evaluate the choices you make for yourself the same way.

Evaluate the way you react to the circumstances in which you find yourself. Why did you react the way you did? Was it a positive reaction or a negative reaction? Was it a healthy reaction? How did you feel after the reaction?

Become the owner of your actions and reactions. Kim’s Convenience is one of my favorite shows. IMDB states it well as — the misadventures of a Korean-Canadian family running a convenience store.

(Spoiler Alert!) In season 2, episode 10, Janet learns that her boyfriend is engaged to be married. This is an arranged marriage from his Indian parents. He has known about this arrangement for a while but didn’t bother telling Janet.

Janet confronts him and says…

I am not upset. I am angry, and sometimes I cry when I’m angry. These tears are not for you, they’re for me for wasting so much time with you.

In this scene, she owns both her chosen action and reaction. She is choosing to be angry while acknowledging that this choice sometimes leads to tears.

Work toward replacing your inner critic.

One of my biggest struggles is dealing with my negative self-talk. Dr. Jennice Vilhauer calls this voice your inner critic. She says we need to identify and confront this critic.

Everyone has issues that can be ridiculed. We shouldn’t let our inner critic’s words define us. We challenge the inner critic and develop the positive authority inside us by pointing out our good qualities. We ALL have those too!

Dr. Vilhauer says the more you challenge and confront the inner critic the less it will come around! This reminds me of the old Cherokee parable. It has been told many ways but here’s the gist. A grandfather explains the inner conflict he has.

“There are two wolves and they are always fighting. One is darkness and despair, the other is light and hope.”

“Which wolf wins?” Asks the grandson. “Whichever one you feed.” The grandfather answers.

My validation that this works.

What was my circumstance? My yard guy was not meeting my reasonable expectations of keeping my yard looking good. That was an honest assessment. What was my action? I fired him. Was that choice for me or someone else? That choice was for me and it was the right call.

What was my reaction? I was worried about how he felt. Was that reaction for me or someone else? It was for both of us, but mainly for me. Was that healthy? No, since I have no control over him and I was making the right decision. I needed to let it go.

What has my inner critic saying?

You know your yard guy is a single dad. You know he struggles with finding childcare for his daughter. You know he’s had a rough summer and that he has been sick. You need to be more patient with him. You are horrible!

How did I challenge this inner critic?

Yes, all those things are true but your last statement. We ALL have issues. My issues have issues, yet I show up every day to my job. I accomplish the tasks that I’ve been given. I can not control my yard guy, and it’s fine if I want to fire him for not doing the job I hired him to do.

These two steps are working for me. My yard is getting maintenance each week, and my inner critic is not showing up in my psyche as often. Give them a try and let me know how they work out for you.