Part 1 of 2
Twenty Heartfelt and/or Creepy Answers for Roz Warren to the Questions She Actually Asked
Because when Roz asks, by golly, she deserves an answer or twenty
This was not my idea.
But using COVID as her excuse, Roz posed a game of twenty Medium-related questions for us writers:
And because I love prompts and Roz, I answered.
Even though I don’t have COVID. This means if this tanks, I can’t use that as an excuse. I’ll have to find another one.
Like the shark from Jaws ate my funny bone.
Or I wrote this while snorting purple mimeograph machine ink on six coloring pages of dinosaurs after time traveling back to Dyess Elementary School, Abilene Texas, circa1959. Then attempting to color the extinct beasts. Which got me sniffing those fat Basco crayons with the one flat side we had back then.
That being said, let’s dive in.
- How long have I been on Medium?
Four years. Since March 2019.
I didn’t start writing until June of that year. But I engaged with folks and had 30 followers by the time I started writing. There may be more effective ways to do that. Blow jobs come to mind. But then leave before I can figure out how to enact them online. Must be a case of easy come, easy go.
Roz explains how Medium sent her a free monogrammed T-shirt.
Here’s where I get to explain how they sent me a free mammogramed, I mean monogrammed, briefs. Getting mammogramed is no big deal for a pair of undies.
It’s the Spanish Inquisition for my breasts.
I’ll take monogramming any day of the week. In fact, I also have the briefs with the days of the week on them. Not from Medium, though. But since I publish here every day, it’s not a bad idea. That doesn’t mean it’s a good one. That’s just an expression.
2. How long did it take me to figure out the clap system?
The short answer is, less time than it takes to catch it.
But seriously, while I’m not sure exactly, I remember it came in stages. First, it was just one per story. Which is how the rest of the world likes, right? Then I accidentally discovered you could actually do more than one clap.
Curious, I kept testing how high it would go. So each new story I read got a few more. But not too many, cause I had to punch the key down for each one.
The big breakthrough came when I figured out I could hold the key down and it would keep clapping. Which kind of reminds me of when I discovered multiple orgasms. Similar principle. Don’t take your finger off the little magic button.
I couldn’t tell you when that was given the post-coital bliss-out I was in at the time.
3. Have I met Al Gore Rhythm yet? Or is he still a mystery?
Why yes I have, why?
4. Are my stories earning anything, yet?
Why yes they are. But not here on this platform unless you count micro-pennies. That’s why they’re out seeking their fortune in the great big world. With uh, mixed results. Unlike here, where my results are uniformly nil.
5. How many drafts do I have?
One hundred and thirty-three. But about half of them are completely blank. Don’t worry, the rest aren’t stories lined up in a queue waiting to be published. They’re tests or goofs or false starts.
A more interesting number is how many stories I’ve published. That would be 1964. The year I turned eleven by the way.
6. How often do I check my stats?
This is a complicated question. Because I go on my stats page several times a day. But not always to check my stats. Sometimes it’s to find a specific story. Yes, I could go under stories but that’s two clicks. This way, I have the option to look at the stats and click on the story. Two for the price of one.
But yes, it’s extremely addictive.
7. Am I aware of the fact that there’s no limit to how long our title can be?
I am now, thanks to Roz. Read this. It’s really, really, really, really, I mean really, really funny!
8. Have I ever been Perlmuttered?
Why yes, thank you very much. Every day, usually. I consider it a badge of honor. Especially now that Medium tells us who are highlighters are. We need all the stinkin’ badges we can get. Too bad we don’t get paid by highlights. I’d be filthy rich by now. Thank you, David. Let me underscore that.
THANK YOU, DAVID!
9. & 10. Have I posted Medium stories elsewhere?
Why yes, thank you very much. I’ve shared some on Substack. And I’ve submitted some to Chicken Soup for the Soul. Once you submit to them there’s no real way to find out how your story’s doing in their system.
If there was, they’d have to change their name to Checking Soup for the Soul. which does not do as well on SEO as Chicken Soup. And it’s worthless on head colds. So now you know.
11. The longest post I’m willing to read?
I’m a bit different from Roz on this. I remember when Susan Brearley’s cat did on one of her posts what Roz did with that aforementioned endless headline. He tapped keys at random, creating a long section of gibberish, which significantly lengthened her article. I found it on Facebook, and that was my intro to MuddyUm.
All kittying aside, I once read a so-called forty-minute post. And pride myself on finishing it in thirty minutes. Sadly I don’t remember the author or the topic. But it wasn’t funny. And neither is this.
That’s it for now.
Wait, I didn’t answer all twenty questions.
Yes, I did.
But the post is so long, I broke it into two parts. Here’s part two:
Marilyn Flower is a sacred fool who writes every day — fiction, poetry, and blogs — inspired by a process called SoulCollage®. She’s the author of Creative Blogging and Bucket Listers, Get Your Brave On. Follow her Sacred Foolishness or SoulCollage® for Writers, and Stay in touch!