Turns Out, a High Sex-Drive in a Woman Isn’t an Advantage
And I always thought it was every man’s dream
I’ve had sex since I was 13 and I have always loved it. Yes, there have been occasions when I wasn’t in the mood, but a romantic partner could easily find ways to change this.
I’ve also had a lot of male friends who have confided in me with their struggles in getting their wives or long-term partners interested in anything more than a fortnightly sex-schedule.
It seemed to be common knowledge that men have a higher libido than women and placed higher importance on sex in a relationship. In terms of romantic relationships, I thought this gave me an advantage. After all, this seemed to be the single reason why men cheat. I believed for a long time that my sex-drive would keep my partner faithful and prevent my relationships from crumbling. Of course, there are other factors that come into play in a long term relationship, but I never knew how wrong I was about my assumptions.
Men get used to not having to put in any effort
I’ve had many conversations with men describing the amount of effort they have to go through to keep their long-term partners interested. One would have a full ritual of tidying, flowers, running a bath, making the bed, candles the whole shebang. He also appeared to put a lot of effort into understanding his wife, what she liked in bed, what turned her on or off. These were his description of course, but I have never experienced anything remotely like this in my life.
My ex-husband learned very quickly that all he ever had to do was ask. And because all he ever had to do was ask, all he ever did was ask. Before I knew it, sex had become a routine as exciting and erotic as brushing your teeth.
Let me be clear, I am not saying that men should only put effort into a relationship when they want sex. The reasons that didn’t happen in my marriage were probably not related to my high libido. What I am saying is that even women with a high sex drive want to feel desired, listened to, appreciated and loved. Even if I am “ready” in a matter of seconds and a single kiss on the neck can be enough to drive me wild, I enjoy the lead-up too. I love wearing sexy outfits, trying different positions, places, experiences. I love feeling like a sexual human being and not like an object that provides a slightly enhanced wanking experience.
Some men are used to dictating the schedules
I once thought I had found my perfect sexual match. His libido seemed to be the same as mine and he still put in the effort, in bed and outside of it. Even when everything else seemed to fall apart, the sex was still mind-blowing. In the first few weeks that we were together, he couldn’t get enough. “I wonder when the first day will come that you will say no”, he would say, “because you know that day will come. Men can never have enough sex”
The day didn’t come. But after a few months of dating, his libido seemed to decrease. Suddenly he was the one who said no. When I asked, he reacted hurt: He loved me so much that he wanted us to focus on other aspects of our relationship. So the dynamics changed. I had to wait for him to initiate and be careful not to appear too needy for his affection or it would start a fight.
As I found out much later, the point that his sex-drive decreased was also when he started a secondary (actually tertiary but that’s another story) relationship with another woman. But they barely had sex. In the course of the 7 months that he was dating us both, he slept with her 3 times.
I never really understood this, until someone gave me a hint on an article that I wrote: It was about control. He was highly controlling and the fact that he couldn’t dictate the sex-schedule anymore must have driven him mad. I guess for abusive men, sex can easily be used as a weapon and tool to exercise control. But that doesn’t work if their partner never says no.
I am not changing!
Maybe my assumptions were wrong, and most men actually prefer women with a low sex drive. At least then they can moan about it to their pals, and have someone to blame when they cheat.
But one thing I have learned from my past experience, I am not changing for anyone. And I am not going to feel bad about it or try to “tame” my libido. If my partner has a problem with it, I will keep searching until I find someone who can appreciate it.