Trump Makes a Splash with New Political Party

Mango Mussolini says Mexico will pay for planned enterprise

MIERDA del LARDO, FLORIDA — The Former Occupant of the Oval Office announced today that he plans to form a breakaway political party in the wake of his “YUGE” win in the U.S. Senate on Saturday.

“I will build a great, great political party in South Florida, and I will have Mexico pay for that party,” Trumplethinskin said. “Mark my words.”

Orange Foolius predicted that his new organization — which he has tentatively named the “Pool Party” — would “really make a splash” because “my IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it!” It was unclear at press time whether the organization would be an actual political party or just a recurring tacky social soirée on the Mierda del Lardo patio. Either way, the private club’s Man-Baby said he plans to “launch the YUGE-est cannonball” at the kick-off event.

Mr. Rump said he wants to craft the new group using a blueprint willed to him by his former bestie, the late Jeffrey Epstein. He said the “Pool Party” would be inclusive, welcoming men — and especially women — who are down to…whatever.

“He was a lot of fun to be with,” the ex-presidunce said of Epstein. “It is even said that he liked beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them were on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoyed his social life.”

The Inciter-in-Chief said he had selected a slogan for the “Pool Party” that would reflect Epstein’s values and standing in the community, which he himself (Eek! “Yuck List”!!) shared.

“We’re just going with ‘Everybody in the Pool!’” the Cheeto Burrito said, while hitching his old-man khakis up high near his obnoxiously protruding nipples (can you say “Man Boobs”?) in a tribute to South Florida fairways fashion. “I think it best reflects Jeff’s ethics and principles.”

Comrade Minus said he did not foresee any difficulties convincing his fellow Rethuglicans to enlist in his newest endeavor because, as we all learned during his second impeachment trial, most of the GOP does not have the cojones to oppose him.

In fact, Mr. Melon Head said he thought most GOP — which stands for “Gang of Putin” — Senators, at least, would join him in his quest to remake American politics, leaving behind the seven members of the Upper Chamber who weighed in against him adrift and alone.

Of those seven, Utah’s Mitt Romney, who has now voted twice to convict his literally “colorful” nemesis, placed the blame for the U.S. Capitol Insurrection squarely on the morbidly obese frame of the former resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

“We gather today due to a selfish man’s injured pride and the outrage of his supporters whom he has deliberately misinformed for the past two months,” the GOP’s 2012 standard-bearer said in a speech on the Senate floor.

“What happened here was an insurrection, incited by the president of the United States,” Romney said.

In the meantime, Mango Mussolini quoted pop star Meghan Trainor, insisting the reason for his continued support in the American electorate is “all about that base”. In fact, he plans to adapt parts of Trainor’s 2014 hit, “All About That Bass”, in order to turn it into a “Pool Party” theme song.

“Hey, I’m bringing booty back. Go ahead and tell them skinny bitches that,” tRumpy sang tremendously off-key, as he performed one of his beyond bad dad dance moves on the patio of his Mierda del Lardo private prison, where he has been living in exile since the American Voters chose to kick him to the proverbial curb in no uncertain terms by almost eight million votes.

He also reminded reporters that his so-called “base” is still buttressed by BS, since certain fecal elements have been incorporated into its, shall we say, essence.

“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, OK?” Herr Drumpf remarked while gunning his cart over the greens at his local golf club, in clear violation of PGA rules. “It’s, like, incredible.”

When asked for comment about Clownface Caligula’s plan to encroach on the GOP, South Carolina Senator Lindsey “Lady G.” Graham took his nose out of 45’s sphincter long enough to assess the situation.

“President Trump clearly relished being the Law and Order president and a strong Commander-in-Chief,” Graham said, wiping Trump Taint from his ferret-like face. He added that in light of the U.S. Capitol Insurrection fomented by the Tangerine Terror, in which seven died and hundreds were injured, the prospective “Pool Party” is “just what America needs!”

Graham, well-known in D.C. as “Trump’s Poodle” (mixing animal metaphors — sorry, “Yuck List”), said he would have no further comment, since it is difficult to converse from the cavernous confines of his Dear Leader’s derrière.

It was unclear at press time if the Orange Oaf intended to cater his newly conceived party with “a taco truck on every corner”, or if he wanted to go the more traditional route and buy votes instead. Because “Grifters gonna grift”, as his daughter Grifter Barbie and her Hubby, Jared the Eunuch, would say.

Captain Chaos likened the requirements for his “Pool Party” membership to his experience with COVID-19 testing.

“I tested positively toward negative, right? So, no. I tested perfectly this morning, meaning I tested negative,” Cadet Bone Spurs said, reflecting comments he made during his bout with the virus last fall.

“But that’s a way of saying it,” for the COVID-19 test as well as for the prerequisites of membership in his new political group. “Positively toward the negative.”

And as we all know, he has “the best words”.

Author’s Note: Many of the quotes in this clearly satirical article are real, gleaned from various published contemporaneous news accounts. Some of the quotes — and most of the facts — contained herein are intentionally pulled straight from the author’s Como Se Llama, as her Nana would say. But what so-called “news” over the years about Agent Orange hasn’t been doctored in some way?