Covfefe Explained /’kɒfɪfɪ/
Covert Kopi Luwak Fiefdoms
Phonetic Origins
Jakarta January 2011
KOPI LUWAK was on the menu at the medical instrumentation company in Jakarta.
My business partner explained that the coffee was from the semi-digested excrement of a squirrel-like creature, the civet.
I was risking ridicule as being the silly white woman who drank coffee originating from a squirrel’s bottom.
Nonetheless, I felt it would be rude to reject my host’s (and possible future supplier’s) hospitality.
I took my chances and sipped it. It tasted fine and I drank the whole cup.
Trump values money so when Kopi Luwak became the world’s most expensive coffee, representing the excesses of the rich and a cynical exploitation of Indonesian animals and workers, he hopped on board immediately:
He bought a struggling Kopi Luwak plantation in Indonesia, neglected to pay the harvesters and factory workers and got his MBAs to promote it in the US. He deluded himself into believing that it tasted better than ordinary coffee so that’s the brew he drinks at home. He’d been drinking it last night, in fact.
The Art of Covfefe
Once, when Trump travelled to Samoa, he was presented with a booklet. Since he dosen’t read much and certainly not in a foreign language (unlike Melania who speaks fluent Russian and Jackie Kennedy who spoke fluent French and Spanish) he glanced briefly at the booklet called The Art of Covfefe. Since he had no lackey nearby, he clutched it in his small sweaty hands for several hours, the glossy paper sticking to his clammy palms. Finally when he got back to the hotel, he tossed the booklet on the bedside table but the letters had stuck to his palm. He peeled the paper away but some lettering continued to stick to his palm. He held his palm up to the mirror and saw the word “covfefe” reflected perfectly back to him in the rectangular, gold-rimmed mirror.
Fefedom Slumlord
Trump sees himself as the aristocratic landowner (slumlord) reigning over his fiefdom.
Since he barely knows how to spell, in his own mind he considers the US to be his fefedom (sic).
His aides are constantly chattering to him about covert operations.
He’s obsessed with Internet Memes:
The Dictator Playbook
The Covfefe is a book written by Cormac McCarthy as a follow-up to The Road, that was never published. It was a horror story set in a dystopian future where an ugly, fat, old, dumb rich guy trolls a social media site and gets elected president by US citizens who subsequently attempt to blame the Russians. It sets out, step-by-step, in exquisite detail, how to launch a coup d’etat.
“Look, Cormac,” his agent explained with a sigh, “this is just too far out.”
Cormac McCarthy never published the book but excerpts of the manuscript are available on Twitter today.
The Secret Signal
Covfefe is a secret signal to Putin.
You take the letters Covfefe and match them to the alphabet:
C=3 O=15 V=22 F=5 E=4 F=5 E=4
=3–15–22–5454
+31 is the international code for The Netherlands=Dutchman
522–5454 is the telephone number for a flower shop in Virginia:
This is within driving distance from Washington, so this is the meeting place.
It’s a secret code: Covfefe=Tell the Dutchman to meet outside the flower shop
A New Word-of-the-Year Is Born
Here’s How It Went Down:
Unlike Nicholas Jozaites who’s trying to unify the conscious and the unconscious, Trump sees the unconscious as a wild animal to be feared and thwarted at all costs.
Trump sits alone in his gilded cage late at night. He’s sitting on the bed in his underwear preparing to Tweet. He dosen’t drink alcohol so he gets kinda anxious late at night. He has difficulty sleeping and worst of all, he can’t supress his memories. The Kopi Lewak that he drank after dinner, fefedom, covert, memes, The Art of Covfefe, Cormac McCarthy and all the secret codes he has to remember are Brownian-motioning around in his overtaxed brain. Suddenly his thumbs take off, his reckless unconscious surges through the barrier of his conscious mind and his composite of half-remembered events coalesces in one mysterious tweet:
“Despite the constant negative press covfefe”
No current word in everyday use perfectly describes Trump’s strategy so he had to find one. Trump used the word Covfefe because of its close phonetic relationship to Kopi Luwak because it so perfectly connotes where he’s getting his policy and behavioral guidelines.
He unconsciously made it up and now it’s gonna be word of the year.
So now you know.
Thanks for asking.
Thank you for reading so far. Click the little coffee-coloured heart if you’d like to help others to find this article too and to catapult me into a paroxyism of ecstacy.
Never let the Truth get in the Way of a Good Story
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