Satire
Trump Cleaning Service
Anxious Cleaners Anonymous
Trump is a pretty good cleaner. When I say Trump, I don’t mean the actual Trump. He’s probably never cleaned anything in his life! I mean his face. Except not his actual face. It’s way too orange! You see, my mum gifted me a President Trump Cleaning Rag!!
Can you imagine my surprise when I opened the parcel she sent me for Christmas (we live in different continents) and inside it were two cleaning rags! The postage was exorbitant! The Minimalist Me nearly had an apoplectic fit! Paying all that money to send me cleaning rags?! Whaaaat??!
But after really looking at these cleaning rags, I managed a laugh (once the fit was over). Some very punny person had decided that printing D’Rump’s face on a piece of cloth and selling them to the OCD and politically disgruntled was a fantastic business idea!
There is a market. I mean, who hasn’t done a bit of anxious or angry cleaning in their time? (Please tell me it’s not just me?) You rub a spot in the bathroom thinking of all the things you might say (or do). You clean that shower scum off and imagine it is someone… (Please tell me it’s not just me?!).
So now you can double the pleasure by using some irritating person’s face to rub away at another irritating (imaginary) person’s face! It’s win-win!
The rag is actually pretty good. It sits in my bathroom, waiting for all the splashy water drips and toothpaste drizzle and spit to gather then his face wipes it all away. It’s very rewarding.
Now, I’ve never met barrysolomon@mrsbarbwire before, or even Googled him, but he also makes Cory Bernadi cleaning rags. “And who the heck is that?” I hear you say? Fair call. He’s an irritating Aussie politician. He is anti-everything, you know, anti-different, anti-environment, pro-money, pro-capitalism, anti-women, anti-anyone and anything-remotely-outside-the-very-square-picture-of-life-he-has-in-his-head.
His face-rag is just not as good though. It’s like, the world-leader cleaning rag is just a little more superior to the ‘very average Aussie politician’ rag. So it’s Trump’s face that gets the best work out.
The slogans are clever too. I mean, there are not many Mexican Walls where I live in Finland, so my bathroom will have to do. As for Rainbow Trojan Horses, I want a unicorn! But ‘seriously’, Bernadi claimed that marriage equality was a ‘Rainbow Trojan Horse’. That somehow all children would be infected by some kind of rainbow plague if the same-sex marriage bill would go through Parliament in Australia. It succeeded. Marriage equality was achieved. The world kept turning. No plague.
And I get to clean my bathroom with his face! It really is win-win!
So if you are needing a fabulous cleaning service, that provides a little therapy at the same time, talk to Barry. Or mail him. He can send you a great little rag! And your bathroom will be SPARKLING!
Lisa studied politics at university. She sometimes finds that anxious cleaning is a way of getting rid of all the frustration she feels at the leaders of the world. Really she just wishes that all leaders were like Jacinda Ardern, the amazing PM of New Zealand. But they’re not, so satire is also a great way of dealing with the frustration. If you liked this piece, you may also want to check out these: