PSYCHOLOGY

True Love Or Codependency?

When extreme caregiving conceals addictive behavior.

Codependency is the most common form of addiction. It’s the disease of a lost self. A self that connects the responsibility for our life and happiness to something or someone outside of ourselves. It’s when we focus so much on things and people outside of ourselves that we lose touch with our inner self, that is, our thoughts, beliefs, feelings, experiences, intuitions, and even our physical condition.

Codependency’s roots often lie deep hidden in wounds from our childhood. The American physician, Charles Whitfield says it begins when a child’s needs are not met by their family and world, when the child does not get what they need physically, emotionally, and spiritually to develop into an adapted adult.

Such a child believes the fault lies with them, makes their parents’ inadequacy their own, and thinks their parents are right. Consequently, the child learns to miss their needs. Over the years, they can suffer emotional oppression and closure, that sometimes come to the fore in psychological conditions such as co-dependence, aggression, depression, stress, addiction, eating disorders, anxiety states, and physical illnesses.

A false self tries to please others, deserves approval, or rejects the people around them in rebellion. But the hurt, the gnawing emptiness, and the need to feel better about oneself and be accepted by others remain. Such a person tries to fill that emptiness with things from the outside, and these futile attempts often lead to some form of dependence and addiction.

Signs of a codependent relationship

In a codependent relationship we can distinguish the following signs:

• The desire to save a partner, persistent help to reinforce a sense of self-worth, the reverse side of this process is pressure and control.
• Lack of awareness of mental boundaries — both one’s own and a partner’s; their violation.
• Ignoring and misunderstanding their needs, focusing on a partner.
• The need for constant approval and support to reduce anxiety.
• Feeling yourself in the position of the victim “trapped” in the Karpman triangle.
• Suppressed or “frozen” feelings. Experience has proven that it hurts to feel, it is safer to become invulnerable and immune.
• The need to switch from obsessive thoughts and obsession with relationships, while switching to other types of addictions — shopping, alcohol, work, food.
• Displaced aggression, resentment.
• The inability to experience true love and intimacy.
• Lack of self-sufficiency, interest in oneself, one’s personality, and life. A codependent person does not have sufficient psychological maturity and awareness. A person defines his identity only through relationships.
• The responsibility for your happiness and well-being is shifted to your partner.
• Jealousy and suspicion.

In codependent relationships, the personal emotional space of one person is absorbed by the space of the other. This will inevitably lead one to the extreme not to be able to take care of themselves, but to take care of others, or to convince them that their self-worth is linked to the need for it.

Are codependent relationships viable?

In theory, some codependent relationships can be viable. This is determined, among other things, by the types of attachment of both partners.

The Bartholomew and Horowitz classification is often used here. Depending on the image of oneself and the image of others, 4 types of attachment are distinguished:

• Reliable — a person has a positive image of himself and others;
• Avoidant-rejecting — a positive image of oneself and a negative image of others;
• Anxious — a negative image of oneself and a positive image of others;
• Anxious-avoidant — a negative image of oneself and others.

Depending on the types of couples with which form a codependent relationship, options are possible:

• Anxious + Reliable — such partners can form a stable alliance if both have enough awareness, desire, patience. One needs to learn from a partner of the type of mental maturity, the other needs to withstand jealousy, control, resentment for some time. Initially, there will be no understanding in the couple, because the Reliable will run away from the control and all-consuming relationship of the Anxious. The latter will at first perceive such behavior as a rejection, but if they understand that this is not a rejection and retreats, then the relationship can be strong and harmonious.
• Anxious + Avoidant-rejecting — such an alliance is most common. The avoider is “comfortable” with an anxious partner who invests in a relationship for two. In turn, the Anxious, deep down, consider themselves unworthy of happiness, uninteresting, useless. The avoidant partner runs away from the Anxious, which confirms the Anxious’s view of themselves. In general, such relationships are built according to the model “Avoidant — runs away, Anxious — catches up.” They are destructive, exhausting, toxic, but can last a very long time.
• Anxious + Anxious — a rare union due to the excessive similarity of partners. Each seeks to merge with the other, which does not give both happiness, but causes problems. Both are psychologically immature, so in principle, it is difficult for them to build relationships. Such an alliance can only continue because no one dares to break them. For both partners, the fear of loneliness is more frightening than quarrels and resentments.

How to get out of a codependent relationship?

You can get rid of codependent relationships and come to healthy interdependence if each of the partners becomes a whole, mature person. For this, it’s important for a codependent to switch to themselves— to engage in themselves, their self-development, while learning to communicate, to be in contact with people.

It’s often pointless to simply end one relationship and start another: without work on oneself, a person with a high degree of probability implements the same model they are used to.

You should immediately tune in to the fact that personal, emotional maturation and working through problems is not the fastest process and requires quite a lot of resources. But such an investment will certainly pay off. The codependent will help:

• individual psychotherapy — problems that have been going on since childhood are very difficult to correct on their own. The help and support of a good specialist will be very useful;
• support and mutual aid groups;
• psychotherapeutic groups;
• literature on codependency (you can start with the book “Liberation from codependency” by B. and J. Weinhold).

Codependent people are subconsciously not ready to grow up, because growing up means that a person takes full responsibility for their life, for themselves, for their choice. they need to realize that neither parents, nor life, nor partners is responsible for their happiness. And also, to have an impulse and interest to grow up, they need to see more opportunities and resources in it than in the current child’s position.

Thank you for reading!

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References

• Johnson, R. Skip (13 July 2014). “Codependency and Codependent Relationships”.
• Marks, A.; Blore, R.; Hine, D.; Dear, G. (2012). “Development and Validation of a Revised Measure of Codependency”. Australian Journal of Psychology.
• Ainsworth, Mary D. Salter (1969). “Object Relations, Dependency, and Attachment: A Theoretical Review of the Infant-Mother Relationship”. Child Development.
• Irving, Leslie (1999). Codependent Forevermore, The Invention of Self in a Twelve Step Group. Chicago: University of Chicago Press. p. 30. ISBN 978–0–226–38471–9.
• Hendriksen, Ellen. “Is Your Relationship Codependent? And What Exactly Does That Mean?”. Scientific American. Scientific American. Retrieved 12 January 2017.
• Dear, G.E.; Roberts, C.M.; Lange, L. (2004). “Defining codependency: An analysis of published definitions”. In S. Shohov (Ed.), Advances in Psychology Research