50 words/100 words
Trigger Warning
Thrifty Words 100 Challenge #29 & Fifty Words Challenge #50: Triggered
Triggered is a word oft made fun of. I’ve made fun of it.
I’ve said Triggered is the new name for my band. But we can never perform because someone is always storming off or crying in the corner. (I’m not in a band, so all of the above only applies to me)
When I posted that joke on Facebook, I lost friends. They told me I wasn’t a safe person.
Maybe I’m not. I don’t know. The joke was funny to me. I was making fun of myself. I wasn’t wearing psychological blackface. I have triggers. And I’ve been triggered.
I spent all of yesterday, starting at 7 a.m. drunk because I was triggered. I’m drinking far too often, far too early in the day. Because I was and remain triggered.
You can read about it here if you haven’t already.
I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to get the challenge prompt out. I let my editorial team know what was going on with me.
I’m a fucking mess y’all. I’m not only in emotional flashback, but I’m flashing back to instances of sexual abuse I didn’t even remember. Date rapes, spousal rapes (not Keith - my youngest daughters dad). There’s still things I know happened but I don’t remember, like when I was in preschool (age 3? 4?) and the husband of the woman running it was taking pornographic photos of kids during "nap time" I know he was indicted, but haven’t followed the case. Boys in school. Workers in mental hospitals when I was 13. Every single metoo moment in my 53 years of life.
These are literal flashbacks. I can see and feel and smell all of it.
And of course, emotional flashbacks that are putting me in the emotional state of each incidence.
My husband almost didn't go to work this morning.
I might try to do the thrifty words later this afternoon, but all of my shit is dark. I don't want to use "rape" or "incest" or "child sexual assault" but that's really all that's on my mind. "Anxiety" doesn't cover it.
I have been planning on writing, but I have no idea if I actually will.
It’s easier for me to copy than to rewrite.
As you can tell, I was planning on using “anxiety" as the prompt word. Instead, I chose triggered.
Last night between my tossing and turning I was thinking about how odd it is that certain circumstances can trigger this cascade of flashbacks.
I often read personal essays about rape, incest, child abuse, spousal abuse. I read it and I empathize. But I’m not triggered. I can watch movies with plots involving any and all of the above and I’m not triggered.
I’m not sure why this incident set me off. But it has. And I’m still a mess.
I’m hoping to not drink today. But if faced with the choices of drinking, falling apart, or putting a needle in my arm (my every cell is demanding the needle!), I’ll choose first not falling apart, second drinking.
I don’t have a prescription for Xanax, but boy oh boy do I wish I did. I have daily anxiety and antidepressant meds. I don’t actually think this is a medication issue. I think this is an I-cope-by-suppressing-everything issue.
Except in the sense that medication will help me not go running across the tracks with cash in my hand. I actually have no idea where I would get needle-worthy drugs in this tiny town. From firsthand experience, I can tell you if I wanted it bad enough I’d find it.
I’m on standby for any cancellations my therapist might have (Thanks, covid. I mean that. We can do online so easily now.) and am obviously reaching out to my communities. One of my BFFs stayed texting with me all day yesterday. Just in case.
*Edit It’s been two weeks since I wrote this. I had my emergency meeting with my therapist. We set a plan for treatment. Although I really don’t like EMDR (because it makes me cry) I agreed with the plan. Simply having a plan helped immensely.
This past Thursday we did one EMDR. We’ll be doing more. I hate them. My idea of dealing with trauma from sexual assault is to suppress. Push it all down. Put it in the deepest hole and cover it with a skyscraper, raze the skyscraper and build another directly on top of the rubble. You get the point. I bury my shit down so deep I can pretend it never happened. Until, of course, I’m triggered. I usually escape through drugs and alcohol. This time I’m attempting to use healthier coping techniques.
I’m still a mess. Maybe a tidier mess than two weeks ago, but a mess nonetheless. Thursday morning, after spending an hour in EMDR therapy where I cried harder and deeper than in any therapy session heretofore (I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 6. That’s a lot of heretofore!), I made breakfast daiquiris with pears, peaches, mango, and rum. I made a blender full. I drank the entire blender full. And then went to celebrate my impending 53rd birthday with my husband and son by going out to eat Mexican. I actually did eat three tacos, but most of my dinner was spent fleeing from the pain of that EMDR by downing I don’t know how many rotgut tequila margaritas. And spent the night crying over the toilet bowl.
So burying my pain and trauma obviously isn’t working. One incident has sent me into a spiral. I’m not sure when I’ll get back to an even keel. I’m going to be forced to confront my shit one EMDR session at a time. I have a feeling I will remain triggered until I can form new pathways and thought processes in my brain.
I haven’t had any booze since Thursday. I haven’t cried since Thursday. But I can feel the emotional flashbacks creeping in. I hope I don’t have to witness the physical flashbacks. Especially before falling asleep. That’s when the monsters come out to play.
This week’s Thrifty Words Challenge is Triggered. We have some new tagging requirements, so please pay extra close attention. We also have a special treat, so don’t stop reading here, read all the way through if you please!
Do you have triggers? Are you aware of your triggers? Do you require trigger warnings? (I don’t — even now)
What does the word “triggered” trigger on your brain?
Triggered 50 or 100 Words. Go!
This is our 50th Thrifty Words Challenge!!
We’ve got a treat in store for you! Just respond as you normally would to this challenge. The difference is we editors will pick a favorite.
This week’s 50th Thrifty Words Challenge will run for two weeks.
At the end of the two weeks, TBI’s editors will deliberate and pick a winner.
The winner will be featured in a newsletter and their winning piece will be pinned to the top of TBI for two weeks after. We’ll feature their entry across all social media platforms and do an About Me showcase also featured for a week. The winning author will be responsible for their own bio.
Today (9 August) is also my 53rd birthday. My birthday wish is for all of you to dig deep. Write raw. Wow me with your stories.
Please choose either the fifty-word or 100-word challenge, not both. See the guidelines for your chosen challenge below.
100 Words
50 Words
Remember, in order to be considered for the challenge, you need to write exactly 100 or 50 words (contractions such as ‘you’ll’ and ‘y’all’ count as one, as do articles ‘a’ and ‘the’ and all 23 auxiliary verbs ‘am’ ‘is’ ‘are’ etc. Hyphenated words count as one word.) The editors reserve the right to add or remove words to ensure the exact word count. Please keep an eye on your tags as laid out in the submission guidelines above.
Please use the kicker 100 WORDS or 50 WORDS and ‘Thrifty Words 100 Challenge #29: Triggered’ or ‘Fifty Word Challenge #50: Triggered’ as your subtitle and submit by 4 pm EST on Friday 20th August. All stories submitted by the deadline will be released on Saturday in the weekly roundup.
Tags
In addition to the tag The Bad Influence please tag all of your submissions with Thrifty Words.
Follow TBI editors here:
Please consider buying our hard-working editors a coffee or seven.
