Trendy But Useless ‘Life Hacks’ That Might Improve Your Life (Without Doing Anything)
Finding enlightenment through satirical wisdom
There’s a lot of chatter out there about how to live a permanently happy life in this mad world. So, I thought, why not add one more ‘happy pill’ article to the mix?
Don’t expect anything groundbreaking, though. This article will blend right into the sea of useless life hacks that everyone pretends to care about.
As an ancient sage once said while sipping herbal tea on top of a mountain:
“The path to happiness is like the wind, sometimes it’s there, sometimes it’s not, and sometimes it just messes up your hair”
Mindful Mindlessness
It’s the hip new thing, even though it’s been around for a couple of millennia. It doesn’t solve climate change, but they’re working on it.
Basically, just take some time every day to let your mind wander. Don’t focus on a damn thing.
In fact, overload yourself with multi-tasking until your brain feels like it’s been assembling IKEA furniture blindfolded without instructions. Fry those brain cells until you can’t think straight — then feel the freedom!
“As above so below, as within so without, and as confused, so enlightened”
Sarcastic Gratitude
Smiling at people who can’t stand the sight of you is therapeutic and very annoying for them. Thanking them for their hate is even more potent. It’s the ultimate liberation from suffering.
It’s no secret either — politicians do it all the time. The trick is gritting your teeth and swallowing your pride.
Even when things turn to shit, being grateful and sarcastic can turn any disaster into an even greater negative, which is actually a positive. It’s the principle of effortless action in action. You might not see it straight away, you just have to have blind faith it will work.
“Turning disaster into sarcasm is the modern alchemy of our time”
Selfish-Care
Selfish-care is all about taking care of yourself and nobody else. Forget em! It’s all about you.
Need a day off work? Bloody well take one. We have to ditch this rulebook nonsense. They pay you to work, not overwork.
It’s one of life’s paradoxes, maybe even a total contradiction, but who gives a yin yang? Take longer breaks, stroll in late. Eat whatever the hell you want and don’t sweat the consequences, you deserve it.
“The path to enlightenment is paved with the crumbs of self-indulgence”
Purposelessness
What’s the point of you? Look in the mirror and ask yourself this deep existential question, “Who the bloody hell am I?” You should feel a sense of euphoric ‘Confusionism’ that can transcend common sense.
This is truly the path to achieving everything you ever dreamed of, and some things you haven’t dreamed of.
Finding that sense of purposelessness is the key to a carefree, non-existent life. Your purpose is whatever you say it is. Some days, it’s just a Netflix binge; on other days, it’s getting plastered with your mates down the pub. Both are equally valid on the cosmic scale of doing absolutely whatever.
Sometimes, it’s quite profound. Like checking in with your parents to see if they still love you, even though you haven’t seen them for 6 months after you drained half their life savings with that altruistic business idea.
It’s all about the experience.
“She who seeks purpose finds a bottomless well of purposelessness, and he who seeks wisdom ends up discussing the meaning of life over a pint of ale”
The Takeaway — Special Fried Life
Applying these hacks is as easy as ordering a Chinese takeaway using just the numbers because you can’t pronounce the words. It’s also an I-Ching numerology thing.
Although I don’t apply these hacks myself, that doesn’t mean they don’t work. If I can’t be bothered, you definitely can. Especially as most of these take less time than sipping your morning coffee, which after all, is what every good hack should be.
Confused? You should be!
Thanks for reading. If you didn’t enjoy this article — you might not like this one either.