Trauma, Triggers and My Inner Child
KTHT Prompts for the Week of June 27–July 1
I was in my ’30s before I discovered my inner child. Her name is Little Debbie. She always hid in the dark recesses of my mind, so afraid to come forward into the light. Little Debbie grew up with all kinds of abuse. She had no one to help her learn as a child. She stopped being a child way too young.
I carried Little Debbie with me for many years before I discovered ways to help her. Little Debbie is the part of me that was so scared and ashamed. She was wounded and she was convinced it was her fault. I believed that. I thought it was all my fault. We both believed that all the abuse happened because I was not good enough. I believed that bad things only happen because I was bad.
When I began my long and painful journey in personal therapy, the shame did not disappear. The fear was still there. I was afraid that other people would hurt me the way I was hurt by my mother and my stepfather. It took me a long time to begin to trust anyone. I am forever grateful to all my therapists.
I am also grateful to my dear friend, Patricia who turned me on to the John Bradshaw series on PBS called: Bradshaw On: The Family.
It was during the ’80s and many people had lost a sense of themselves. That’s when Bradshaw began his series on the wounded inner child and it all clicked for me. I heard him talking and I knew he was talking about me.
I realized that Bradshaw knew why Little Debbie was hiding still. Bradshaw helped me discover a safe way for Little Debbie to come out of hiding. I was blessed with caring friends who helped support me while I figured out my messy emotions. They were there for all of it: the good, the bad and the ugly. I am forever grateful to all of them. I am truly blessed.
I am most grateful for my second husband, Lee. We have been together for over twenty-two years and he knows all about Little Debbie. She was a frightened little girl. Sometimes a bratty little girl would appear in the middle of one of our dates. Little Debbie was my protector, my keeper of the secrets.
She would rear up if she heard or saw a trigger from my trauma. She was always hyper-vigilant. She would be triggered if she felt as if I was in danger of some kind. There may not be any danger but she was easily triggered. She became my intuition and my inner voice.
Sometimes Little Debbie got it wrong. Who am I kidding! Many times she got it wrong because she was still working off old beliefs. When Little Debbie felt attacked, she would strike out at Lee because he was the closest. Lee recognized Little Debbie before things could escalate. He would try to remind me that everything was okay. When I calmed down, Little Debbie would calm down. I no longer had to hide her in the darkness.
I began to understand that I was growing. I could see some light peeking out of the darkness but Little Debbie needed to catch up. For many years, she would be triggered over seemingly little things. If Lee brought me the wrong flavor of ice cream, Little Debbie would appear immediately. She would throw a royal tantrum. Lee could not believe how I could change from this adult, calm woman into an angry, annoyed child.
Little Debbie has grown so much over the years. I have grown so much and I believe in myself now. Little Debbie has caught up with the good feelings that surround me. I have been able to reassure her that all is well. I let her know how much she is loved. I tell her every day that she has nothing to fear any longer.
Lately, Little Debbie comes out more often but now she just wants to have fun. She wants to catch up on some of the fun she missed out on as a child. She still hurts over what she lost but she has begun to sort the past from the present. It is not an easy task but we are working on it, one step at a time. She is happier now and looking forward to her future. We both are haha.
The following article is my link for the Bradshaw workshop on the inner child. This is a 3-part series and I try to explain how it helped me heal.
I hope that some of my writing resonates with you. Please let me know in the comments if you recognize some traits of Little Debbie in your life.
Thank you, Ravyne Hawke for this writing Prompt. Thank you to all of the wonderful editors at KTHT, Diana C. @jule Spyder for this wonderful Pub!
Sending love and light to everyone traveling along their own healing journey.
