SELF-IMPROVEMENT

Trauma Police

Day 1, 50 questions for deep self-reflection

This is day 1 of the 50 Questions for Deep Self-Reflection challenge from Know Thyself Heal Thyself created by Diana C.

DAY ONE: How can you have compassion for your own trauma history while also holding yourself accountable for the ways you’re harming yourself/others?

Wow Diana, you don’t mess around, straight for the ouch!

I have a rich though clouded trauma history. I’m unpacking it daily and it’s mostly fun because with every new bag I zip open, another piece of me falls out. Of course, none of this would be possible without the huge leap of self-care I took this year when I quit the family corporation.

I know, interesting terminology. I started referring to it as having yeeted the narcissistic mother. I used that term to ‘lighten the load’ but it still felt heavy. When the metaphor of an office came up during a therapy session (because, yes, I have a therapist, thank you, because trauma), I was able to reframe the pushing away of something (yeeting it out of sight) into a choice to step away (knowing the crap was still going on but I didn’t need to be a part of it). It felt much nicer.

So, when I quit the family corporation, I was suddenly freed of the burden of expectation. And that’s when my mask began cracking away. I suddenly began to see myself in a way that had been hidden since way before I could remember.

So, back to the question at hand. I’d like to reword it now in light of the above.

How can I have compassion for my journey while also holding myself accountable for the ways I’m denying myself love and truth?

Never mind, Diana, I ouched myself way harder!

But I think perhaps I’ve already stumbled over the answer. In writing on here and exploring my personal journey of gender discovery, I’m learning and unpacking while putting myself out there for comment and potential judgment. With my gender therapist, I’m working through the walls, blocks, and distractions I’ve created, I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable and to heal and grow through self-discovery. In these explorations, I uncover more pieces I’ve hidden or lost and can slowly begin reassembling the puzzle that has been waiting for me all this time.

So, I guess, ultimately the answer is: ‘By continuing to do what I’m doing. By embracing vulnerability and sharing my journey so that I may grow and so that others may be inspired. By allowing my therapy sessions to be open and flowing. By not taking myself (or my gender) too damn seriously. By learning from my actions and reactions rather than putting stock into the actions and reactions of others. By letting go of the control that locked me away in the first place. By doing what I want. By giving myself permission to love me.’

Don’t miss out on anything! Follow/subscribe for notifications and be the first to catch my latest articles. Run out of free reads? Click here to join Medium now for access to everything. Please note, this is an affiliate link and I receive a financial reward if you follow the link to join. Thank you for feeding the author!