Translation by

A short play by Ernio Hernandez

SCENE:

A living room. Dimly lit by a lamp atop a desk on stage right. Pablo, a smoldering Latino in his 40s, enters from a door stage left and crosses to desk. He throws down his keys and presses his answering machine button as he takes off his jacket.

MACHINE VOICE (slight Spanish accent) Pablo, honeeeeey. I miss you tonight, mi amor. I’ll be waiting up for you, call me.

(PABLO puts his jacket at the desk and flicks on the lights to reveal:)

PABLO (thick Spanish accent) Estephanie! Hwhat are jou doin here?

STEPHANIE (a woman in her 50s, sitting with a glass of wine in an armchair next to a sofa centerstage.) Yes, what am I doing here, Pablo (mocking the machine voice:) “honeeey?” Perhaps I should be asking you the same question!

PABLO (awkwardly:) Perhaps?! (Normal:) Jou should be askin me? Dis is my apartament, I live here, no?

STEPHANIE Yes, but which one of your sugar mamis is paying for it? Is it me?!

PABLO Baby, querida, is late, jou don’t know hwhat jou are saying. (Walking towards her) Maybe jou should go hone and I come to jour house in the morning, s’okay?

STEPHANIE (grabbing a big knife from her side) No, maybe “jou” should stop telling me what to do! (Rises and lunges at PABLO)

GIANCARLO (a portly Italian in his late 50s jumps upon the stage from the audience) CUT!!! Cut!

(The actors playing PABLO and STEPHANIE freeze and face the director GIANCARLO. JODI, the stage manager/ assistant director, a small spectacled woman pushing 40, seated in the rear of the house yells out:)

JODI It’s not “Cut!,” Giancarlo.

GIANCARLO (a slight Italian accent) What is this? (Looking out to JODI) What is this, (emphasizing the wrong syllable) Jo-dee?

JODI You yell “cut” in film, not theatre.

GIANCARLO Well, Jo-dee, I yam a film director, no? What is you say in the theatre?

JODI Just “stop” is fine.

ACTRESS It’s okay, Giancarlo, we understood what you meant.

GIANCARLO This is what I yam saying, Jo-dee. I yell “cut,” I yell “estop,” is the same, no?

ACTOR | ACTRESS (at the same time:) Yeah, sure. That’s fine.

GIANCARLO Is alright, Jo-dee. They say is alright.

JODI Okay, fine.

GIANCARLO This is why you are here, my wonderful, you know what I say and you take it. (to the ACTORS:) Okay, back to you two. “Back to the Future,” no? (The ACTORS look at each other and laugh forcibly.) Okay, Pablo! I know, I know is not your name, but I call you by character, cause to me, you are a character.

ACTOR (no accent) Okay, fine with me. But, I’m not really a Method actor.

GIANCARLO Good, I’m not a mad director.

ACTOR No, Method actor.

ACTRESS That’s okay, love, just go on. We could be here all night.

GIANCARLO Yes, all night? No. (turning back) Jo-dee, we here until what time?

JODI We have the theatre until eleven.

GIANCARLO Yes, eleven, no all night, not so long.

ACTRESS Okay. Well, while we’ve stopped, I want to ask you about the knife, because you see, I have the glass of wine in one hand and I’m not sure that I should still have it when I go at him with the knife, I think it might be too busy, what do you think?

GIANCARLO Yes, okay darling, we can wait? For this? No? I want to just…eh… (twirls his hands at his temples)

ACTRESS Oh yes, okay. You know how I am. I’m sorry, your train of thought.

GIANCARLO Train of thought? This is word? Is train? Like (tooting noise) woo woo!

ACTRESS Well, yes, or not really. I mean, it’s sorta like that, yes. Gotta stay on track.

GIANCARLO Ahh yes. Hmm. Is interesting, I don’t know this. (Turns) Jo-dee, you write this down. Train of… (back) what is?

ACTOR Train of thought, Jodi.

JODI Got it.

GIANCARLO Yes. Make list for me: “Train of thought,” “no cut.”

JODI Got it.

GIANCARLO Oh, and put “baby food bananas.” I have pick up for my son later.

ACTRESS Aww, I didn’t know you had another baby boy.

GIANCARLO No, is same one.

ACTRESS Oh, how old is he now?

GIANCARLO Fifteen. Okay! So! Pablo… honey. Ah ha, see, I use line for joke.

ACTOR (forced) Ha ha. Yes.

GIANCARLO When you come in thee door…uhh… when you come in door. Jo-dee! What is? What say script?

JODI (in a very monotone, rote voice:) “A living room. Dimly lit by a lamp atop a desk on stage right. Pablo, a smoldering Latino in his 40s, enters from a door stage left and crosses to desk. He throws down his keys and presses his…”

GIANCARLO (cutting her off) Yes, yes, yes… this. “Throws down his keys.” (walks over to desk) You no throwing down, you (grabs keys and flings them as ACTOR did)…

ACTOR Oh. Okay, you want mad.

GIANCARLO Yes! Yesss! Mad! I know you are not mad actor, but for this, I want you be mad.

ACTOR Oh, okay. Yeah, I can try that. (starts toward the door)

GIANCARLO Yes. Okay (stops him) but wait, wait. More. I give more.

ACTOR Alright sure, go ahead.

GIANCARLO What is line? Jo-dee, what is line for him?

JODI (rote:) “PABLO: Estephanie! Hwhat are jou doin here?”

GIANCARLO The next one.

JODI “PABLO: Perhaps jou should be askin me, Dis is my apartament, I live here, no?”

GIANCARLO Yes, yes. What mean this? Pear-haps?

ACTOR Perhaps?

GIANCARLO Yes, what means?

ACTOR Uh…

ACTRESS (jumping in) Oh, it’s like that song…

GIANCARLO Is song?

ACTRESS Doris Day sang it and I think Nat King Cole… Ah! “Quizás, Quizás, Quizás!”

ACTOR Right, “Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps.” “Quizás” means “perhaps” in Spanish, but he’s Italian.

ACTRESS Oh.

GIANCARLO Sokay, sokay. Listen to me, what means to you?

ACTRESS Oh, I’m sorry, Giancarlo. (to both:) I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…

ACTOR Oh, that’s okay.

ACTRESS I just can’t believe I just did that.

ACTOR Really, it’s okay.

GIANCARLO What is wrong? What?

ACTRESS I just said… Oh, let me just bite my tongue before I say anything else stupid. (sits in chair) I’ll just sit here and zip it.

GIANCARLO Okay. Okay?

ACTOR Yes. I’m fine, no offense taken. Spanish, Italian, they’re both romance languages. It’s okay, really.

GIANCARLO Okay, forget. Focus. “Perhaps,” what means to you… Pablo?

ACTOR Well, to be honest, I really don’t know.

GIANCARLO Yes! Yes, we can see this.

ACTOR I’m sorry, I just think it’s not well-written, maybe it lost something in translation.

GIANCARLO What?

ACTOR The line. It’s not good, it doesn’t make any sense. (No accent, very matter-of-factly) “Perhaps, you should be asking me, This is my apartment, I live here, No?” He says that to her line… (to ACTRESS:) what’s the line?

ACTRESS Wait, uhh…

GIANCARLO No make sense?

ACTOR (turns to JODI:) What’s the cue line to that, Jodi?

JODI (rote:) “PABLO: Estephanie! Hwhat are jou doin here? STEPHANIE: Yes, what am I doing here, Pablo honeeey? Perhaps I should be asking you the same question! PABLO: Perhaps, jou should be askin me, Dis is my apartament, I live here, no?”

ACTOR Yeah, she says “Perhaps I should be asking you the same question?” but she IS asking him the same question. Not perhaps. And then he says “Perhaps, You should be asking me,” and it gets repeated a third time. So, they’re not really arguing, just agreeing with each other in a progressively louder tone.

ACTRESS I’m sorry, Giancarlo. He doesn’t know.

GIANCARLO No, is okay! If it no make sense, it no make sense! (walks downstage) What can he do?

ACTOR Right, it’s not your fault or mine, it’s the playwright’s.

ACTRESS (trying to stop GIANCARLO who jumped off stage) Giancarlo, wait no…

GIANCARLO (shouting as he exits the theatre) No! Is okay! There is NO sense! Perhaps!

ACTOR Where is he going? And why’s he yelling?

ACTRESS He’s the playwright.

ACTOR What? He wrote it? I thought it was…

ACTRESS A translation of a play he wrote under a pseudonym in Italy.

ACTOR Oh, I had no idea! I thought it was a woman’s name. Should I go apologize?

ACTRESS Nono, give him a minute. He’ll be back. Jodi, honey, did he leave?

JODI He left his jacket, he’s not going far. You guys wanna run lines in the meantime?

ACTOR Perhaps.

ACTRESS Perhaps.

JODI Perhaps. (breaking character, now speaking as the real director/writer:) And scene. (In a thick Italian accent) Bellissima, that was wonderful!

(The actor playing GIANCARLO reenters.)

GIANCARLO (with a gay lisp) How was that, love? Not too over the top, I hope?

ACTRESS (in a strong Southern accent) Over the top?! Darlin’, you almost made me pee my pants when you jumped off the stage rantin’ and ravin’.

JODI (Italian accent:) I love it. You remind me of my papa who I was thinking of when I wrote it. Fantastico!

ACTOR (in a British accent) Simply marvelous, I must say. I found it absolutely painstaking to stay in character at times.

JODI Okay, my lovelies, let’s take it from the top. Shall we?

ALL Perhaps! (Laugh.)

BLACKOUT.

Translation by by Ernio Hernandez

Copyright ©2005 | Ernio Hernandez | All Rights Reserved. (For permission to perform, contact author at ernio @ ernio.com)

Ernio Hernandez is a writer of plays, poems, short stories, humor and other flights of fancy.​

Other plays: My Condolences | Ajar, by the Door | The Last Call | One Swipe Left| The Middle of Things | First 5 Pages of My “The Lego Bill Murray Movie” Spec Script