Toxic Relationships: What To Do About Them
Learn 25 ways on how to handle toxic relationships that harm your well-being
Toxic relationships are those where we experience a sense of dread, misery, illness and nervous energy when we are around these people. They can be our family members, friends or colleagues. When we are around them, it is possible to feel completely drained. They are either skilled in poking holes or dampening our aura.
As I understand it, toxic people are not the same as someone who is merely negative. Toxic people can make life a living hell for those around. They draw power away from us. More than just having the ability to press our buttons, I would deem the abusers as having overt control of some kind. In extreme cases, they can be manipulative, abusive and aggressive. We are unable to feel “safe” in their company. It is as if our survival — whether physical or psychological — is being threatened.
By not being mindful, we can unconsciously give our power away. We allow our well-being to be dictated by their irrational fears. If our toxic relationship is in a family situation or with our spouse, we are likely to experience trauma and pain. Even at work, should we need to deal with a toxic person that we can’t avoid, we can possibly feel miserable every day. It can be hard to simply walk away immediately.
Examples of Toxic Relationships
Lei, a reader to my blog, provided some helpful descriptions of what toxic relationships can look like. She had written…
“I work full time with the most toxic people I have ever met, people that complain, gossip, criticise, are sensitive, and quick to retaliate if you put them on edge. I haven’t been in this position for a year yet, and at first I would find myself talking in conversations about people I never even knew until I realised this was the reason why I’d feel so drained at the end of the day.”
In my work as a coach specialising in emotional healing, I have helped clients who experience toxic relationships. These toxic relationships would affect them so much that their well-being is reduced. They may even develop conditions such as eating disorders, depression, anxiety issues and so on.
Take the case of Molly. Molly’s challenges started as soon as she was born. Throughout her childhood, her mother made life unbearable; with constant nasty remarks, manipulation and punishments. The emotional abuse she went through led to a poor ability to love herself and to believe that she is worthy. As an adult, Molly went through repeated relationship breakdowns and suffers from deep anxiety and chronic pain.
Then, there is also the case with Amelia. Amelia had a boss who is emotionally abusive. Her boss would pick on the slightest mistake and go round micro-managing everything. Amelia would often get screamed at, including her colleagues in turn. The atmosphere in the office is filled with tension every single day.
When I work with clients in toxic relationships, I would offer them help on how best to handle them. I’d like to share my list of 25 ways.
25 Ways to Handle Toxic Relationships
- Avoid investing yourself emotionally into the content of their stories. It’s okay to feel sympathetic but understand that there can be more sides to the same situation than what they are sharing. It’s a bait that toxic people often put out. They like to draw you into their dramas, gain sympathy points and get a pat or two on their heads from you. Over time, they also keep expecting the same “poor thing” reactions from you.
- Create an energy shield for self-protection. Creating an energy shield protects your energy from being invaded by toxicity from external influences.
- Learn to take charge of your own emotional well-being. Avoid letting toxic people determine your mood. Release any absorption of negative emotions. Take charge of your own well-being.
- Learn to say “no” to unreasonable demands. It is important to set limits. While you are compassionate, you also need to be firm in where you stand. Be clear in establishing boundaries and sticking to the values that you hold.
- Walk away, if you need to. If you cannot hold your space, be prepared to make an excuse and walk away. Take a short break and breathe. Or if the relationship is no longer viable, be prepared to distance yourself. Quit your office job if you have to.
- Avoid taking what they say to heart. Don’t take what they say personally, unless the scathing remark is intentionally directed at you. In which case, you may want to see if their remark is worth doing something about.
- Refrain from wanting to take charge of their lives or make decisions for them. Toxic people can have an unconscious hold over you. Being sympathetic, you may want to help. However, you cannot learn their life lessons for them.
- Get help from someone who can handle the relationship. If the toxic relationship is with someone you can avoid, can you solicit help from another person who is better at handling the situation? It’s okay to ask for assistance.
- Keep a focused attention on the blessings that you enjoy. Don’t allow their cynicisms about life affect you. Instead, always count your blessings.
- Consider a change in perspective. Can the negative remarks be made with good intent? Can it be possible that the remarks are made because they care enough about you?
- Learn to steer the conversations in a more positive direction. Be mindful about how the conversations are going. Avoid getting pulled along into the deep hole.
- Avoid lengthy discussions. To avoid going into a lengthy argument, recommend a third party or a book that can help your negative friend/family member see things in better perspective. Sometimes, it is best to let an external authority be the one to give advice.
- Take walks in the park or garden. Allow Mother Nature to help you clear the negative energies that you have absorbed. Hug a tree for instance.
- Wear clothes of cooling colours before meeting people who are negative or difficult. Avoid colours that will make them “see red”, for instance.
- Be mindful about your non-verbal communication cues in front of them. The reason of their negativity may stem from the signals that you have putting out. Unconsciously, you may be pursing your lips, crossing your hands or shaking your head in disagreement. Sensing your disapproval, they become defensive.
- Stick to safe topics. Choose topics that are non-controversial like the weather for instance.
- Maintain a sense of humour. Having a light-hearted perspective is always helpful for all kinds of situations that life presents. If you can slip in a joke during their negative tirade, it might just distract them from continuing their usual script.
- Compliment the person. For this, you need to be sincere. You need to able to see that every person has a positive side. You focus on making him or her feel good first before making a request.
- Simply observe, don’t judge them. Refrain from reacting. Assess whether it is important if you respond or not. Don’t sweat the small stuff that they love to obsess over. Avoid allowing your ego in taking over.
- Plan for the meeting. If you know that you are going to meet someone negative or difficult, be prepared for what he or she may say. Have an idea about what you can do and how you can respond. Here is your chance to develop better relationship and communication skills. If you are able to cope with a toxic person, you can handle anyone!
- Send the other person showers of love, compassion and healing, when you meditate. The other person is merely projecting his inner reality through his toxic behaviour. In reality, he or she is really “suffering”. It is likely that he or she is feeling insecure and fears losing psychological control.
- Avoid feeding the situation with more energy. Stop going around telling others that you have suffered under the wrath of this person. You are merely feeding an already toxic relationship with more negative energy.
- Learn how to cut binding cords energetically. Break the bonds that bind both your souls on an energetic level.
- Visualise for a better tomorrow before bedtime. Visualise for a growing, healthy and positive relationship. You would be amazed how just this simple tip alone can work miracles!
- And most importantly, learn what the toxic relationships are really trying to tell you. Questions to ask yourself: Why are you attracting them? Are they indicative of your low self esteem, lack of clear personal boundary, your need to practice patience or simply a need to use any one of the 24 tips above?
Is it Possible to Fix a Toxic Relationship?
It may be tempting to want to change the other person. And so, we end up trying and trying to fix a toxic relationship. However, a lot will depend on whether the other person is willing to create new and healthy patterns. Our attempts won’t work if there is an unwillingness to make a change.
If we find ourselves in a toxic relationship, it means that we have the opportunity to work on ourselves. Our self-care is important. We learn to assert our boundaries. In standing our ground, we say “no” to walking on eggshells from now. What is interesting is how when we change, the energy of the relationship also changes. Whether the relationship remains intact or not, we become a lot more empowered and we claim our worthiness back.
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