Toxic Relationships — Borderline or Covert Narcissist?
How to spot the difference when you're in a toxic relationship.
People with covert narcissistic and borderline personality disorders tend to have frequent and problematic relationships. Their need for fulfilment from others means they continue to pursue relationships despite consistent conflict; though some do choose to avoid relationships altogether.
If you’ve ever experienced a truly toxic relationship, you’ll know what it's like to wonder what the hell was wrong with that person. You also end up wondering what the hell is wrong with you.
The term toxic relationship is often used interchangeably with an abusive relationship. However, abusive behaviours are deliberate and about control, while toxic behaviours are reactionary and more about irresponsibility and unhealthy communication skills.
“A common pattern of domestic abuse … is that the perpetrator alternates between violent, abusive and apologetic behaviour.” — Zlatka Rakovec-Felser.
There is a good chance that when a relationship is either toxic or abusive, one or both of the people involved could have a personality disorder (PD) such as the following borderline or covert narcissistic PD’s.
While the average person has traits that might clash with other people, the disordered personality has far greater difficulty managing those traits in such a way that they can maintain healthy functional relationships.
However, mental illness does not excuse abuse, and their victims suffer trauma similar to their abuser’s. Not all covert narcissists and borderlines are toxic or abusive; their mental illness is likely due to abuse and untreated childhood trauma.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and borderline personality disorder (BPD) are both cluster B or dramatic/erratic personality disorders. In this way, they can appear similar and have shown significant comorbidity.
BPD and covert narcissism can also look similar because both have low and reactive moods, behave manipulatively, and are prone to rages and mood changes stemming from a sense of deep insecurity.
However, the strong sense of entitlement and lack of empathy and remorse makes covert NPD more akin to anti-social personality disorder (ASPD) than BPD.
BPD is more comparable to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) due to increased reassurance-seeking and severity of depression and anxiety.
When BPD and NPD are comorbid, the overriding traits that present more frequently over time become the primary diagnosis.
NPD’s present with either overt (grandiose) and covert (vulnerable) symptoms. Narcissists may also be malignant who present with more NPD signs, increased aggression toward self and others, paranoia, and anti-social personality disorder (ASPD).
Narcissists are considered pathological when symptoms are both grandiose and vulnerable, and they struggle to function and regulate their emotions without constant admiration and recognition from others.
NPD’s share five or more of the following traits in four domains: affectivity, interpersonal functioning, impulse control, and cognitive.
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements).
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
- Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with other special or high-status people (or institutions).
- Requires excessive admiration.
- Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectation of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations).
- Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve their ends).
- Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognise or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours and attitudes.
Victims of narcissistic abuse often identify with descriptions of covert and malignant narcissists because their symptoms are so well hidden, and their effects on victims are underestimated and misunderstood.
Covert narcissists have a pattern of five or more of the above NPD criteria with all or some of the following presentations:
- Hidden grandiosity.
- Lower self-esteem than grandiose types.
- Increased use of idealisation and people-pleasing for flattery.
- Report distress and are judged distressed.
- Outwardly shy, fragile, and vulnerable.
- Chronic envy.
- Evaluates self in relation to others.
- Hypervigilant about the thoughts of others on themselves.
- High level of shame.
- Rapid mood changes.
- They are socially withdrawn.
- Rejection sensitivity.
- Self-critical with a sense of inadequacy.
- Dysthymia or long-term depression.
- Anhedonia or the loss of feeling enjoyment from normally enjoyable activities.
There are 256 combinations of symptoms that indicate BPD, making diagnoses very difficult to establish. People with borderline personality disorder share five or more of the following symptoms in each of the four domains of affectivity, interpersonal functioning, impulse control, and cognitive:
- Abandonment fears — Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
- Unstable relationships — A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating between extremes of idealisation and devaluation.
- Identity disturbance — Markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
- Impulsivity — In at least two potentially self-damaging areas (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
- Self-injurious behaviours — recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.
- Affective instability — Due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
- Emptiness — Chronic feelings of emptiness.
- Anger — Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fight).
- Dissociation/paranoia — Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
People with BPD may also appear to lack empathy due to their decisions based on their chronic fear of abandonment, use of idealisation, and impulsivity, which lead to difficulties in interpersonal relationships.
Comparing & Contrasting.
In toxic relationships, people with covert NPD and BPD behave in similar ways. They each have poor self-esteem, heightened depression, erratic moods, manipulate, idealise, and devalue.
Covert narcissists hide their traits behind a false image, adding to the difficulty of distinguishing it from BPD.
Self-image & Self-esteem.
People with covert NPD and BPD have unstable self-esteem that depends on others and is outwardly expressed and apparent. People with covert NPD are sensitive to rejection and have a high sense of entitlement, so their self-esteem is threatened by not getting their way. BPD self-esteem is at threat when they’re abandoned, whether that abandonment is real or imagined.
People with BPD also have an unstable self-image, whereas people with NPD have a false image that hides their instability. This instability means that a person with BPD is more likely than a covert NPD to display rage and rapid mood changes outside of the immediate family environment.
People with covert narcissism have a narrow emotional range compared to those with BPD. People with BPD can feel empathy and deep love for the people close to them. Covert narcissists are deep down bored and can’t see past their own needs, so they often seek out a new supply for emotionally charging praise, admiration, or sympathy.
Fear of abandonment can cause BPD’s to become overly clingy, where NPD’s are more likely to seek out new supplies, then discard others when their needs and expectations are not met. When a covert NPD is exposed, and their grandiose image and sense of superiority are at risk, they abandon ship.
Moods & Reactions.
While people with BPD and NPD can become threatening and manipulative, a person with BPD reacts emotionally where the NPD responds deliberately. BPD episodes of rage include dissociation, where they mentally separate themselves from the situation. BPD’s struggle to maintain calm when emotions are high but covert NPD’s can hide their inner rage.
In a toxic relationship with a covert NPD, increased defensiveness is in response to not giving in or not enabling actions that take advantage of you. When the relationship is with a BPD, reactions, and aggressions are more responsive to mood instability and fears of abandonment.
To reign in people to satisfy their needs, both people with NPD and BPD will use idealisation. However, BPD’s can genuinely care for others, whereas covert narcissists are more exploitive, using idealisation to protect their insecurities.
Both NPD’s and BPD’s make emotional appeals, entice sympathy, lie, blame, and manipulate to avoid responsibility and devalue other people, causing difficulties in interpersonal relationships.
A common BPD coping strategy, black and white thinking or splitting, means that people with BPD see their loved ones as either good or bad, loved or hated; they can lose love as quickly as they gained it. A person with BPD might devalue due to splitting. NPDs devalue deliberately to discard and find better sources of supply for their grandiose expectations.
Self-Harm & Treatment.
Self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and attempts are prevalent in BPD; diagnosis includes demonstrating a history of suicide attempts. However, people with NPD are less likely to attempt suicide, and narcissism may even be protective against suicide.
Current treatment for both includes therapy and medication to treat depression, anxiety, and erratic moods. People with BPD not diagnosed will have greater difficulty coping with their disorder than those who are diagnosed.
It can take significant life events to push a person with NPD to go to therapy, and they frequently discontinue treatment too soon. The idea that NPD and BPD may be untreated childhood CPTSD has gained interest, leading to suggestions that treating for CPTSD could have positive results.
The intention to change is more significant in people with BPD, so they are more responsive to therapy than NPD. People with NPD are less motivated by treatment goals than by their need to suppress insecurities and seek out praise and admiration.
If you are in a toxic or abusive relationship, whether or not you suspect a personality disorder, it is essential to seek professional help. Prioritise your health and well-being to better support yourself and your loved ones.
Thank you for reading.❤
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