Happiness/Mental Health

Toxic Or Terrific? These 5 Questions Can Help You Decode The People In Your Life

Strengthen your relationships using these questions.

Erin King is the author of How To Be Wise AF: A 30-day journalling adventure to your inner Guru.

Dealing with people is a fact of life, even in isolation, you must interact with people on some level.

All of us navigate thousands of relationships of various lengths and depths, throughout our lifetimes, and there is always one crucial question.

Is this person good or bad for me?

It seems like a simple enough question, but it is amazing how many toxic people we have in our lives that we only realize were toxic after the fact.

Only after we’ve broken up, quit the job, left the friendship, or distanced ourselves, do we look back and say, “Wow, that person messed with my head.”

Wouldn’t it be great if there was a barometer to use in real-time to start figuring it out from the start when we’re not sure?

Here are a few questions to ask yourself to get that process going. Use it for problem people or make it a gratitude game and rate everyone close to you to remind yourself to be thankful for the wonderful people in your life.

Whether you are taking stock or taking names, here are some questions to ask yourself when deciding who’s terrific and who’s toxic in your life.

These questions can help you figure it out.

Are they helpful or hurtful?

Toxic people are hurtful.

They might even be nice to everyone — but you. They’ll do things intentionally to make you feel bad.

They may offer to help you in front of everybody else, but when it comes time to follow through, they will not. They may offer to help you and then do things to undermine or make you feel bad or guilty.

Their help will rarely come without strings.

Hurtful people always seem to make your life harder in some way.

Helpful people offer and follow through. They do what they say and say what they do. They are kind to you and make your life easier.

Do they push your buttons or protect your feelings.

If someone is toxic, they’ll push your buttons if they know what they are.

You may have some issues that make you feel triggered or vulnerable, and if that person doesn’t protect those triggers and respond sensitively to them, chances are, they are toxic.

A toxic person finds your weaknesses and issues and uses that information against you. They see what upsets you and make it worse. If you have someone in your life who uses your sore spots against you, chances are, that person is toxic.

Someone who protects your feelings knows your soft spots and actively avoids them.

Are they callous or comforting?

Toxic people don’t want you to feel better, so if you’re feeling a bit raw or down, they won’t comfort you.

They will tell you to stop imagining things, stop being so sensitive, or to get over it. They purposefully won’t try to understand why you are upset and will act unsympathetic.

They will invalidate your feelings and criticize you for even having them.

Someone comforting, will see that you need a little extra TLC and give it to you.

Do they make you feel crazy or calm?

Toxic people are great at gaslighting, it’s one of their best weapons.

They try to get you to work against yourself and question your own sanity. If you think you are crazy, it won’t cross your mind that they might be the cause of your problems.

Toxic people love causing distress in others, it makes them feel powerful.

If someone toxic can mess up your life and make you think you’re crazy, then have you look to them for security and answers they will. If you constantly question yourself when you are around this person, that is a bad sign.

Notice how people make you feel, if there is one person who brings out the crazy in you more than others, they are probably toxic.

If someone makes you feel calm, then chances are they are a good influence, especially if they bring out your inner strengths and personal power.

Do they fill you with joy or drain your emotional resources?

Sometimes it’s just that easy.

Does someone in your life suck the joy from your very bones from the minute you see them or hear their voice? Does even getting a text from them set off your depression?

If this is the case, they are probably toxic. When people are good for you, they make you happy and up the joy factor. If they sap you of any good feelings, then they are probably toxic.

Look at it like getting an emotional rash from exposure.

Someone who fills you with joy is someone who is a positive force in your life and gives you the right kind of reaction.

Those are a few questions to use so you can arm yourself with information.

When dealing with relationships, it helps if you can see people for what they are and how they affect you.

You can’t always avoid these people, but if you know they’re not healthy influences, you can take steps to shore up your emotional reserves when you know you’re going to see them or get to work on finding suitable solutions to the problems they generate for you.

Sometimes when presented with toxic people, instead of trusting our instincts, we question our sanity.

We put everyone else’s opinions above our feelings and get trapped in relationships that end up damaging us before we can face the facts.

Hopefully, these questions can help identify the toxic people in your life before they can take a toll and also help you take stock of all of the terrific people as well! 😊

Thanks so much for reading!

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