TRAVEL; CAREGIVING

Topping Off The 92-Year Bucket

Coviding to Kauai with Mom…and Framing Thanksgiving

It’s pitch black over the Pacific Ocean when I wake up from a short doze about half way into our flight between California and Hawaii. I look over at my 92-year old Mom and ask how she is doing. She says, “I’m fine,” then points past me out the window and matter-of-factly adds, “We’re still moving.” (Thank goodness!)

As my Medium followers know, I had to interrupt my life as a full-time digital nomad to move in with Mom as her caregiver 2 ½ years ago. She has worsening dementia caused by an antibiotic resistant UTI (urinary tract infection).

Hawaii is the last place on Mom’s bucket list — other than a final trip to see the great-grandchildren — and I didn’t think we would make it, what with her health and the Covid restrictions. But I got a last-minute call from a good friend who said her brother had decided not to go to his 2-bedroom timeshare on Kauai the week before Thanksgiving and wondered if we would like to go. Amazing!

When Mom woke up that morning, I asked her if she wanted to take the risk of dying from Covid due to a trip to Hawaii or be careful and stay home. She didn’t hesitate! I had five days to find flights, rent a car and, most importantly, find out whether we met Hawaii’s notoriously strict Covid requirements.

I Thought Hawaii Was Closed Due to Covid-19?

For those of you who are just waiting for the chance to get into Hawaii, here’s the scoop. Beginning October 15, 2020, Hawaii made an exception to their two-week mandatory quarantine for incoming travelers. If you can get a specific Covid test at one of their approved locations within 72 hours of departure, upload a negative result to their internet site within 24 hours of departure and pass a temperature check at the airport when you get there, then you don’t have to quarantine upon arrival.

What’s Up In Hawaii During Covid…Or, Kauai Do I Have To Wear This D@mn Mask?

Getting a 92-year-old woman with dementia to wear a mask is a feat unto itself, but getting her to wear it properly is a real challenge. Her favorite spot seems to be under the chin. Thus, when forced to actually put it on her face, it quickly falls down below her nose because the elastic has stretched.

In Kauai, masks are required everywhere. Luckily, there was lots for us to do outside (or in the car — rented through HolidayCars.com for $309.49 for a week and well worth it). We avoided the jacuzzi until after the kids went in for dinner. It was a great place to see the sunset anyway.

My biggest disappointment about our trip is that there were no luaus available for Mom to experience on her only trip to Hawaii. They are all closed because of the virus. It’s the same for many of the restaurants that friends recommended to us. That doesn’t mean we didn’t eat really well though! We don’t drink much, but I can tell you the Monkeypod Mai Tai at the Beach House Restaurant is one of the best I’ve ever had — and I like them sour.

Kauai is more natural — less ‘touristy’ — than the other two islands I’ve visited previously: Maui and Oahu. I wish I had discovered it long ago.

The Grand Canyon of the Pacific

My favorite part of the trip — a first for Mom and I both — was Waimea Canyon. The various lookouts along the road through the Park are stupendous. I look forward to going back someday when I can hike through some of the exquisite scenery.

The first lookout, where you can buy the parking pass that is good for all of them ($10/day), had the wheelchair ramp washed out so Mom missed that one, but those further up the road were more spectacular anyway. Going all the way to the end — to Kalalau Lookout — is worth it just for the view of the Pacific. We had some beautiful rainbows to embellish our photos the day we were there.

This hardly scratches the surface of the many ineffable views along Waimea Canyon State Park and beyond. Be sure to take a jacket because it can get windy!

Other Attractions

We also had some delicious visits to Lydgate Farms, a chocolate plantation north of the airport that is quite remote, and Kauai Coffee Company, an easier to find coffee plantation East of Koloa that has free tastings, a large gift shop and inexpensive shipping of coffee that you want sent home or to friends. It made it easy for me to do some of my Christmas shopping.

Another highlight was the North Shore, where the views and sunsets are exquisite and the jungle forests are vibrant. We even found a blow hole that made for some fun videos.

All in all, it was an enjoyable trip, even though Mom is quite limited in what she can do. We did a lot of driving around the Island and she loved the views, satisfying her curiosity about Hawaii after so many family members have talked about their visits over the years. This will likely be my last trip with her and I am thankful to have fulfilled her last bucket list wish, as well as creating a memory I will have of my time with her.

Framing Thanksgiving from the Air

Our flight home was scheduled for Thanksgiving Day — not the best way to spend the holiday— and Mom must have asked me six times on the flight “When is Thanksgiving?”

It got me thinking: what is it that makes Thanksgiving, well, Thanksgiving? Although spending it in an airplane isn’t my first choice, I realized that whether the day feels like a great holiday or a disappointing one is all about how we frame it to ourselves.

For some people it’s all about the food

This year, my Thanksgiving dinner consisted of wheat thin crackers, fruit gummies, a pretzel snack mix, a small container of cheese spread and some tic tac mints. Airline food ain’t what it used to be…but I was more thankful for that than I normally am for turkey and all the trimmings. We had to get up at 4:30am and with a few mishaps on the way to the airport, had no time to stop for breakfast.

Relationships Rule

Many people frame the success of the holiday based on who is present; they don’t care what they eat nearly as much as who they eat it with. Maybe some who see Thanksgiving through the relationship frame give thanks when certain people don’t show up.

I spent Thanksgiving with my Mom and I’m thankful I’ve had one more with her. In better days, she was the head cook, working all day to create the turkey, amazing stuffing with olives and the best gravy you’ll ever eat. From the time I was a child and she was inventing Thanksgiving hors d’oeurves for game time, to the years when she was teaching my adult children how to make the turkey, she has drawn the family to her wherever she was and delivered the spirit of joy that made the holiday special. Everybody wanted to be wherever Mom was and when my children were young, they didn’t think it was Thanksgiving if Grandma wasn’t there.

For Me, It’s the Why

So this year, was it a good Thanksgiving or not? The food was terrible and the family was limited. I spent the day beginning this article, which some would consider work. So why was it still one of my better Thanksgivings? It’s the why. I find happiness when I frame my life in meaning. And what better lens is there than to frame this holiday with thankfulness, which I should admit too often gives way to impatience amidst the ever increasing demands of caregiving?

This year has been a difficult one for almost everyone. The ‘2020 vision’ that this trip gave me was a reminder to focus on the gratitude vs what I couldn’t do — the views, the weather, the food, the look on Mom’s face, her love of the jacuzzi, even the roosters — roaming wild all over the island — that delighted her every day.

Mom set the frame for our trip on the way over when she pointed out the airline window as we flew over the Pacific Ocean and said, “We’re still moving.” It helped me start the trip with a laugh and we kept moving — and feeling thankful — the entire trip as we drove throughout the Island, appreciated the thoughtfulness of our friends and were reminded of the uncanny power of speaking a desire into the universe.

Thank you, Mom, for the memories of so many wonderful Thanksgivings…and for the beauty of spending this unique one with you…even though crackers and fruit gummies are a poor substitute for your Thanksgiving Turkey.

I am Dawn Aegle, a content writer and transformation coach who loves travel, whose favorite holiday is Thanksgiving and who must work at finding meaning in my current role as a 24x7 caregiver for a mother with dementia. Meet me on Medium here.