Summary

The article satirically presents the "Top Writer's Ten Commandments" for success, particularly on Medium, as an overzealous and impractical set of rules.

Abstract

The piece, titled "Top Writer’s Ten Commandments," humorously critiques the often-repeated advice given to aspiring writers, particularly those aiming to succeed on Medium. It portrays a conversation between a seasoned writer and a skeptic, where the former lists ten commandments for success, such as having a clear plan, ignoring doubt, and writing relentlessly. The commandments are depicted as overly simplistic and borderline fanatical, with an emphasis on unwavering dedication and productivity at the expense of personal well-being and realism. The article suggests that such advice, while well-intentioned, can be unattainable and dismissive of the complexities of life and writing.

Opinions

The article implies that the advice to "have a clear plan" is overused and not as insightful as it is often presented.
It satirizes the idea that one should double down on their plans, regardless of feasibility, suggesting that this approach ignores practical limitations.
The piece criticizes the notion that writing about success will lead to it, highlighting the absurdity of writing about earning six figures without actual knowledge or experience.
It mocks the extreme dedication suggested by some writing gurus, such as prioritizing writing over basic human needs like eating and sleeping.
The author pokes fun at the idea that any sign of doubt or humanity is akin to letting the "devil" in, implying that such an approach is both dramatic and dismissive of normal human emotions and needs.
The article takes a jab at the culture of relentless productivity, suggesting that it can lead to a lack of empathy and a disregard for personal life and responsibilities, such as caring for a baby.

Satire

Top Writer’s Ten Commandments

Hard Knocks School of Success

**Brace yourself…** / Photo by Timo Müller on Unsplash

You had theories coming out of your ears, lots of them, about succeeding, and succeeding, and succeeding.

I said I had heard them all before, that I was tired, I had bills to pay, mouths to feed.

You said it was different this time. You had this intense, disturbing glint in your eyes, real zeal.

You were like Moses coming down the mountain with a stone slab listicle.

You listed off your new commands, swearing by their efficacy.

Number One, you said, as you were in love with numbering things.

Have a clear plan.

As if this was a novel idea, or a useful one, or somehow relevant.

As if this was adding something somewhere, somehow.

As if this was the sort of thing one would go out of one’s way to have the fortune of listening to.

A plan?

Yes a plan! Stick to it. Or stick it on your forehead so you don’t forget.

Thank you, Einstein. Now, can I have my money back?

Number Two!

You were just getting started.

If someone tells you your plan is too far-fetched, too pie-in-the-sky, or unachievable, you double-down on it!

Really?

YES!

But what if it is unachievable?

That, you see, is the voice of doubt that needs to be crushed asap! Tell me a single thing that is unachievable if you put your mind to it?

I struck a nerve. This was religion. Non-negotiable. He would not be conceding that anything was impossible. Not flying. Not growing a third leg.

Making $100,000 per annum on Medium?

Achievable!

Really?

YES!

How?

Believe in yourself. Write everyday, every waking hour, in your sleep. Write if it’s good or bad. Write crap, but WRITE.

That’s it?

YES!

Why?

What do you mean, why?

How?

NUMBER THREE!

Was this guy a military sergeant?

Write what people want to read.

Wow.

Number Four: When you finally make the $100 per month club, don’t take your foot off the gas.

Considering $100k per annum is our target, wasn’t this obvious?

A lot of us get cocky after we’ve reached this much esteemed benchmark. Make sure you’re not one of them.

How much do you make writing on Medium?

NUMBER FIVE!

I see.

Whatever you are doing that is working, do more of that. A LOT more.

Was it possible to be less obvious?

Number six: Don’t quit. Ever. Got covid? Work harder. Burned out because you swing two jobs just to pay the rent? You’re not working hard enough.

That sounds harsh.

‘Harsh’ is not in our vocabulary. Did you say you want to make $100k?

Do you speak from experience?

NUMBER SEVEN!

That hurt my ears.

If your baby is crying in the crib, let the thing cry. You must write without interruption. Pedal to the metal.

Wow.

Number eight. When you cross the $100 per month threshold, start writing articles about how to earn six figures by writing.

Even if I don’t know how?

Especially if you don’t know how. In fact, wipe out the word ‘don’t’ from your vocabulary.

What?

Talk the talk and you will walk the walk.

In my head?

NUMBER NINE!

Yell?

Don’t eat or sleep.

But I’m human. I’ll die.

Two more words to scrap from your vocabulary. You are inhuman and you will never die!

Ok.

Number Ten. There will be days you feel like you are lying to yourself, like you are an insane dreamer…

Finally, something I can relate to…

…days where you start feeling the slightest pang of guilt for letting your baby cry in their own crap…

Slightest?

…days where you will be tempted with the thought that you are in fact human and hungry and tired…

I’m already feeling it.

…this is the devil trying to get inside your head, that will tempt you with words like compassion, empathy…

Mortality?

limitation, moderation, humility…

Humanity?

…when this happens you must stand up from your writing chair and shout at the top of your lungs…

That I’m coming to change my baby’s diapers?

GET LOST, DEVIL!

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Shout out to Smillew Rahcuef and his world class Pub. For two strange tales about clapping, check out the below. Thank you for reading 🙏

Satire

Top Writer’s Ten Commandments

Hard Knocks School of Success

A Top Writer’s Unclapping Purge

The revenge of an unhappy clapper

The Deafening Absence Of Claps

Is it the heat?