avatarKyle Wells



Top 5 Celebrity God Complexes

Or consider worshipping me.

Photo by Shaouraav Shreshtha on Unsplash

Since we’ve been able to look up at the stars we have embraced the concept of an all-knowing and powerful deity – or deities.

Gods aren’t what they used to be, as this top 5 list is about to reveal. Strap yourselves in for a wild ride and what is sure to be an unexpected journey.

For those of you serious about your chosen God, please take a deep breath and look up the word “satire,” or better yet, leave an angry comment and help this baby go viral.

5. Tony Robbins

Cracking the top 5 for the first time — because this is the first time I’ve ever done this — is Big Man Tony. He’s been around since at least the early 90s building his godly brand of self-help and grabbing the movement by the testes.

Checking in at 6'7" and 220 pounds, Tony is a presence and due to being born with a pituitary issue, he is a giant among self-help gurus. Tony does not like being called a guru as was demonstrated in his Netflix special entitled, “I AM NOT YOUR GURU!”

Fake humble much, big fella?

Does this look like a guy without a god complex?

Notice how Tony stares smugly into this vulnerable young man’s eyes. A quick uninvited brush of the man’s cheek with Tony’s bear claw, a few f-bombs delivered — Nice touch Tony — and ALLA-KAZAM! Folks, we got ourselves a good old-fashioned faith healing.

4. Matthew McConaughey

No, your eyes are not deceiving you! Matthew has been flashing god ambitions for quite some time now. Naked bongos was a dead giveaway. We should have suspected Duerson from ‘Dazed and Confused’ to pull something like this. He was even endorsed by #5, Tony Robbins, above.

What puts Matt ahead of Tony?

Star Power, baby!

The video above was Matt’s coronation into a god in embryo when he put on a live seminar called “The Art of Livin.” This was a virtual live event of condescension. — and a cash grab.

Here is the thing, I’m a fan of Mr. Matt’s movie making. I even like some of his shitty rom-coms. Matt is a vibe master general and is now yours for only $400!

3. Tom Cruise

Ever since I spotted him in the movie, ‘Taps’ I knew this guy was headed straight up L. Ron Hubbard’s brown-eye. — I’m lying, I didn’t know who L. Ron was back then.

But who would have guessed Tom would become L. Ron!? According to The Sun, Scientologists love them some Tommy. Don’t take my word for it.

It’s simple math really.

Insecure actor + cult = megalomania or deity — if you’re into the whole messianic thing.

Speaking of megalomaniacs, let’s move on to number 2.

2. Donald “The Red”

Photo by Carel van Vugt on Unsplash

The word “narcissist” is so overused in this day and age. It seems every time someone is offended the offender is called a narcissist.

Narcissist: An extremely self-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance. -Merriam Webster

If you want to see the living definition of a narcissist look no further than Donald the Red. Don will gladly shake your hand while pissing on your leg, which his most ardent followers will find out soon enough.

The only wall that should be built is a 360-degree wall around Don and his magic hair.

1. Lady O


Yeah, that’s right I said it!

Yes, Oprah was amazing in ‘The Color Purple’ and it was really nice of her to buy her studio audience new cars, but c’mon!

Ms. O made her bones the same way as Jerry Springer and the rest of that ilk. She hosted an exploitative daytime talk show featuring a bunch of pregnancy tests and suspect people screaming at each other.

Ms. O single handedly made the obnoxiously successful book ‘The Secret’ a household book-shelf staple. This book made people believe some outlandish shit, and we are still vomiting some of its nonsensical excrement.

Admittedly, Ms. O is an influential bad-ass. — Just ask Phil McGraw. O’s powerful presence even made list mate, Tommy Cruise, do the bonobo dance on her sofa.

That is power, my friends!

Come to think of it, she just might be a God. I have it on good authority when the aliens beamed her aboard their ship they fell prone and spread their little grey cheeks for her to probe.

In Conclusion

If anyone read this and found themselves emotionally charged and angry at me then you are already too far gone. You need deprogramming.

Good luck, you people worshippers.

I confess, I watched McConaughey’s kick-off seminar. I had to know what the hell he was doing.

It was excruciating.

Recommended from ReadMedium