Is Your Teen Ignoring You? 5 Ways to Connect When They Don’t Want to Talk

Stay connected — by any channel necessary

Teens — they’re really not into eye contact. But they do want to connect. AI photo generated by the author on https://www.fotor.com

Connecting with Teens: a tricky balancing act

Parenting a teen requires a strange, steely resolve, a push/pull dynamic unlike any I’ve known. It forces you to find new ways to connect to this human you love with your whole heart as they’re outwardly trying to pull away — and ignore and/or exasperate you in the process.

You want to let them establish their independence. But at the same time, you need to find new ways to check-in. It’s a tricky balancing act.

But your teen needs to know you’re available, you’re listening, and that you love them—now more than ever.

Even if they don’t act like it.

Now, I’m no expert. But I am a parent to two teens, so I thought I’d pass along a few nuggets of hard-earned, so-called parenting wisdom: Top Five Best Ways to “Talk” to Your Teens.

1. Don’t insist on face-to-face IRL talks

As adults, we tend to see in-person conversations as “real” ones. I encourage you parents to expand your mindset. In my experience, kids aren’t super receptive to “we need to talk” moments in real life. Any attempts to have a Big Conversation — and especially if you insist on eye contact — tend to meet a whole lot of resistance.

Honor how teens communicate — virtually. Respect the generational gap, and meet them where they are. If you insist you’re right, and that the only real conversations happen face-to-face and in real life? They’re likely to shut down.

2. Text your teens

I’d imagine you’re already texting your teens, but your messages are functional. When am I picking you up? How’s school? Did you take my black eyeliner with you to school, again? Those sorts of things.

Expand your use of text to check in — and I don’t just mean status updates. Ask them real questions. Show your humor. Send silly gifs. Roll with their replies, and keep the virtual conversation going. Some of my best (and most serious) conversations with my kids have happened over text.

But even with texting, the rules with teens differ from yours. Here are some pointers I’ve learned along the way:

Feel free to drop your final punctuation marks. This will adapt your tone to sound younger, and to read more like theirs. But if you’re an editorial nerd like me, feel free to stick to your guns and punctuate. Just know that your teens might read your final periods as an affront.
This is especially true with terse messages. Send them an “OK.” — with the final period — and they’ll think they’re in huge trouble. I’ve used this method, to great effect.
Texting is also a great place to send a quick “I love you,” when IRL ones are so embarrassing now. The best part about texting is, sometimes they say it back. ❤
Don’t leave them on read. If you have read notifications turned on and you read the message, then you have approximately six seconds to respond before your teen will think you’re ignoring them. Again, use this power wisely.
Be careful with your emojis. Certain ones read veeeerrrrrry differently by age group. Remind me to tell you about the time I used this face too much, to uproarious derision from my kids: 🥺 (Or just leave a comment, and I’ll let you know what I thought/what they thought it denoted.)

3. Talk in the car

Your child is now old enough to ride in the passenger side. Sweet! You have a captive audience. Perhaps you two are alone, you’re listening to great tunes and best of all — you’re side-by-side. You can’t really make eye contact because you’ve got to keep your eyes on the road. This takes the pressure off immensely, and it’s the ideal time to catch up.

My eldest seems to sense this intuitively, as she’s even brought up conversations while we ride. We’ve talked about everything from crushes to school work to career goals to lube. Now she asks me to go on car rides just so we can listen to music, so we’ve made it a bit of a thing. Seems worth burning a smidge of fossil fuel to have 20 minutes of connection and conversation with my kid.

4. Snapchat, Insta, etc: Whatever app your kid is into, try it

Look to your child for this. Some teens want a separation from their mom and social media. Not mine. My 15yo taunted me to join Snapchat by saying, “You’d be so funny on Snapchat.” Oh yea, kid? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

It would’ve been easy to be dismissive, to say no. But I joined and ramped up pretty quickly, and you know what? It’s fun! And more importantly, on those days when my teen can barely do more than sneer at me at home, she still sends me snaps — silly little photos throughout her day that let me know she’s thinking about me.

No, it’s not a serious form of communication. It’s a super light touch-point. But sometimes those lightweight moments mean the most. Establish that connection, establish a cadence, and keep it going.

Also: you’ll see their friends on these apps. Don’t add them. But if they add you first, then fair game — snap or write back! I love snapping with my daughter’s friends, even as I’m not sure if they’re into it, or making fun of me.

(Or both. It’s probably both.)

5. Listen to their music

Really listen. Even if you hate it, don’t roll your eyes or be dismissive. Don’t say stuff like “This is just noise” or “Music from the (insert your decade) was better.” That just makes you sound out of touch and old AF.

Of course, music is generational. Production values from different eras sound foreign to our ears, and theirs. So as auto-tuned and off as their music sounds to you, yours may likewise sound tinny and strange to your teen, at first. So just listen.

Ask what they like about their favorite songs. Try to find common ground. Perhaps you can hear samples of familiar oldies in their favorites (I mean, hello Supertramp).

For most teens, music is super important to their identity. You don’t have to like what they’re listening to. But listening to them, about what they’re listening to? That’s a huge opportunity for connection.

You might even find a new favorite song or band. I have, over and over and over again.

In the end, all these suggestions center on the concept of being seen.

I hope they help you see your teen — by showing up where they are and listening to what they have to say. But they require you to show up, too.

Your child is a teen now. Let them see more of you than just your parenting self. Because in a few years, once they’re grown, you will be the adult they come to know (and hopefully, love).

What about you? Do you have other suggestions for how to stay checked in with your teens?

I am all ears — or eyes, I suppose.

Hit me with your best shots/suggestions.

Greetings! I’m Dana, aka All My Little Words, a GenX word nerd living in the Pacific Northwest with a whole lot of little words to share. I write about career, music, culture, ambition, fun, parenting, and more, with an offbeat perspective on how and why the world works (or doesn’t).

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