To Those Who Come After Women Sex Writers

Some of the big bad wolves are out to devour us — or at least explain our feelings to us

I opened my email the other day to find a rather blunt message.

“I wanna fuck your pussy,” it read.

There was no greeting. No sign-off. Only a subject line that said: “Hi about yourself.” And then that one-liner in the body of the email:

“I wanna fuck your pussy.”

Curt and to-the-point, if a little on-the-nose for my taste. I mean, a gal wants a little romance. A little effort, you know? This guy wasn’t one to mince words.

When I saw it, I felt no anger. Not a bit of embarrassment or a hint of panic. This kind of thing happens when you put out all the sordid details of your personal sex and relationship stories.

I shook my head and smirked. I didn’t hit reply or delete. I simply went about my day.

Thankfully, I don’t get a ton of messages like this. I don’t get a whole lot of dick pics. But I get enough of it that I’m pretty numb to it.

While I’m not saying it’s acceptable or socially polite, I am saying I’m mostly completely unphased by it at this point. It does nothing for me. I have pretty thick skin after writing online for over two years, especially for messages that are just plain dirty as opposed to blatantly cruel.

The next morning, another short message appeared in my inbox from the same guy. Seems he was making a routine of it. This one had two whole sentences:

“I want to marry you. I love to fuck your pussy.”

Well. There you have it! All my problems? Solved. I’ve got a guy proposing marriage and just waiting to make all my sexual desires a reality. Ladies, don’t be jealous.

Typically, I wouldn’t respond to something like this. But there was something about it that piqued my curiosity. The slightly offputting grammar. The persistence. The passion.

I wrote back. I just couldn’t resist his charm, I guess.

I thought maybe he was a reader. I thought perhaps English wasn’t his first language. He wrote back quickly and confirmed both.

“Yes. I followed you on medium. I love to see you. I love to see your sexy legs.”

This guy (let’s call him Leg Guy) isn’t really a troll. He’s a reader. And while his messages won’t entice me to spend any more time corresponding with him, I’m always thankful for readers and he’s free to enjoy my work.

Unfortunately, Leg Guy is actually a bright and sunny day compared to some of the more sinister comments I’ve received on my vulnerable, personal, sexual essays. It seems some people (mostly men) take umbrage with a lady who gets a little “uppity” when she writes her darkest thoughts and most honest opinions.

To those who want to write honestly and explicitly about sex and relationships — whether it be about pleasure, trauma, or female empowerment — the best advice I can give you is to buckle up and grow the thickest skin you possibly can. It’s sad, yes, but at this moment in society, it’s what’s called for.

And remember, even the trolls help feed your bank account.

“You’re a piece of work.”

Some of the big bad wolves are out to devour us — or at least explain our feelings to us.

This next email is from a reader whom we’ll name…Dick Spirt. (Let me know if you get the Sex and the City reference.)

Good old Dick here read my article about some recent marital strife I’ve been experiencing. Even though I love my husband, I’m currently in a sexless marriage, and there was a point where we hadn’t been getting along too well on top of the sexless thing.

I recently reached a desperate point of inner conflict where I was contemplating leaving him.

I’m not here to be some sort of fucking relationship guru who acts like she knows how to have the best marriage ever. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing most days, admittedly.

And I love to write the real and vulnerable shit because relationship problems are something we all go through. I think it would be helpful if we didn’t have to feel ashamed or afraid to talk about it. I think we should normalize talking about relationship problems, actually.

I thought it was an important story to tell. And Dick, sweetheart that he is, took it upon himself to explain my feelings and marital issues to me.

Mrs. Bradshaw, I read you article on contemplating divorce and I have to tell you that you sound pretty damn selfish. You claim to have this resentment surrounding some conversations (through text) your husband had with a female co-worker where he criticized you to her yet you just went ahead and published a piece letting the world know that you are thinking about leaving him. That strikes me as passive aggressive revenge. You also make mention of resentment of having to take care of a greater share of domestic duties than your husband but I also inferred from the article that you brought a child to the relationship that isn’t his. I hope he reads that mess you wrote and runs for the hills. You don’t know if you are coming or going and that’s your problem, not his. You casually drop hints about getting into polyamory? I feel sorry for that guy. You’re a piece of work.

Gee. I’m sure glad Dick was there to inform me of how selfish and cunty I was being, paragraph breaks be damned!

Now that I’ve seen the light, I totally understand that even though my husband has been a father figure to my son for 12 years and we all live in this house together, Hubby shouldn’t have to help with the housework as much since the kid is biologically mine.

Say whaaa? I’m literally hearing a record scratch.

And let’s talk about the fact that I write all the gory details of my relationship and share it online. I write under a pen name. My husband knows and is okay with the fact that I do it — and he chooses not to read most of my work unless I make a point of sharing it with him.

To me, writing anonymously on the internet (stories none of our friends or family even know exist) isn’t as hurtful as him intimately complaining about me to one of his long-time, real-life best friends. This is a woman I’ll have to see again, and I know she’s been told all this shit about me, so it’s awkward. My biggest issue was that his grievances with me were downright unfair. (Like complaining that I care too much about money, and then accepting said money for his film projects.)

You see, Dick, I care about personal privacy. That’s why I changed your name here and scribbled out your real name and email address — to protect even the not-so-innocent. Though honestly, I’d love for you to leave this as a public comment on my article instead. I wonder what’s stopping you from doing so?

And I have to also disagree with Dick’s recoil at my stance on polyamory. I think it’s pretty cool of me that I’m all for my husband sleeping with other women…

I responded to his email with: “Thanks for reading and for reaching out! Definitely appreciate the solid feedback.”

I couldn't help it. Sometimes sarcasm is the only thing we have left to cling to.

“Stop victimizing yourself.”

Now, let’s talk about men abusing their positions of power to take advantage of women sexually, and how some other men feel surprised and even angry that I would turn down such an opportunity for “erotic adventures.”

When I wrote about my landlord asking me to have sex with him and, in exchange, he would give me free rent, I wrote it in the most realistic and un-dramatic way I possibly could. I wouldn’t call it hard-hitting journalism, but I stuck to the straight-up facts and gave my straight-up honest reaction to the experience I went through.

As a single, 26-year-old mom, I was worried about how my landlord would react when I rejected his proposal. First of all, I was worried because that’s just how I’m wired — neurotic to the core. I didn’t assume my landlord was evil, but I tend to think of all possible scenarios in any given situation — especially the worst-case ones.

I was also worried because I was a single mother on the poverty line and didn’t want to fuck up my new living situation. When I said no, the landlord didn’t press me any further, and nothing else happened. And that’s exactly what I wrote in this story.

I go into more detail, but that’s essentially it. I also emphasize that some women have it much worse than I did. Some are forced into sex at the threat of being turned out onto the streets. It’s important we’re aware of things like that because they’re still happening.

Thomas Möller, however, seems quite triggered by my matter-of-fact storytelling style. (And yes, I’m using Thomas’s name, because this is a public comment for all to see — no shame in his game!).

Stop victimizing yourself. He asked (politely) after some initial chitchat and you declined. There was no pressure, except in your fantasy about what could happen (but obviously didn’t happen). End of story.

It was definitely indecent — but so is every question if I could pay for drinks in the club by a girl or the unspoken expectation for me to pay the restaurant bill on the first Tinder date combined with the prospect of having sex.

What is more unpleasant you think? Being offered erotic adventures or being rejected?

To use terms like „predator“ as in some comments here, the same as we use for men who force themselves to women violently disgusts me.

This whole story could have ended in a pleasant experience for you both. Now it didn’t. It was definitely unpleasant for you. Okay. Life is not always pleasant, not for you, not for him, not for anybody.

Scandalizing this for clicks is your right of course. So that’s something good from it in the end, hm?

Ah. The old “scandalizing for clicks” bit.

Listen, Thomas — that will never, ever be a thing with me. I write my stories. I write about experiences that have happened to me. Sometimes they resonate with people and the stories go viral, as this one did.

Sometimes, I write an equally true account that hardly anyone sees or cares about.

I am allowed to write my experiences, whether they are scandalous or sexual or dark or hilarious or controversial or boring. That’s sort of my thing. I’m a writer. I write.

But again, I have to thank Thomas just for stopping by, reading, and engaging.

And as for the troubling “erotic adventures” bit, the bit that this could have been a “pleasant experience” for me — well let me just swallow my vomit, Thomas, and say that I’ll pursue someone sexually if I want to do so, but that doesn’t mean I have to vibe with every guy who throws an offer my way.

The fact that I even need to explain that is just…it’s just something else. Eww, Thomas.

I encourage readers to disagree respectfully.

I understand that not everyone will like or agree with what I’m putting out there. Readers are always free to disagree with me, and to share their opinions with me — whether it be privately or as public comments on my stories.

At the same time, I encourage readers to disagree respectfully.

I’m putting my experiences and ideas out there for all to see, yes. I understand there will be dissent. But that doesn’t give you the right to come into my tiny corner of the internet and shit all over me.

I wasn’t trashing Dick and Thomas when I put my personal stories out there. These stories had nothing to do with them, yet they felt the need to respond to me in a not-so-respectful way.

Be respectful, whether you agree or not. And remember that I may disagree with your disagreement, so that means I might feel compelled to throw it right back at you — maybe in a story for all to see.

To those men who are out there, feeling all triggered and itching to talk down to a woman writer about the personal story she so boldly shares — let’s play nice.

Thank you for reading. Sign up for my newsletter, and you’ll get updates on my latest creations. You can also connect with me on the Sex Curious Podcast and Twitter.

This story is part of Sexual Espresso, a column published here on Sexual Tendencies.