To the Men that Fucked Me

Doesn’t that sound like a song?

I knew it was over before it started.

OK. That really does sound like a song.

BroadStrokes was getting hard to reach. The chats were mostly one sided, by me. If he wasn’t online, I couldn’t say hi, how are you, nothing. And he usually wasn’t online until late afternoon or early evening and would reply long after I’d gone to bed.

Leading up to this, I knew he was busy. But we both entered into this affair with assuring each other we could make it work.

What changed?

Fuck if I know. Well I do know. Life. But is he telling me the truth?

That holds true for all the ones who come before him.

We all know what it feels like in the beginning. That rush. The energy.

Soaring thru the sexy skies, lounging on lusty clouds, making a bed in the fields of want and desire.

But then you start noticing the dust and dirt on your clothes, from rolling down in those fields. Maybe even a patch of mud you didn’t notice. The dredge of scheduling, rescheduling, fatigue, pandemic, family, work or LIFE. That reality that intrudes on your fantasy.

I’ve struggled with this. Quite a lot. You can read about the struggle. You may already have.

For each man, I’ve questioned what I did wrong. What he did wrong. What was the reason?

Should I have messaged them all less? Been willing to cut from work to go see MegaMogul once or twice a week like he wanted? Should I have promised USBound that I’d take care of his needs, when I couldn’t? Should I have waited for BadMeds to be more available again, and say no to my own needs.

So much SHOULD.

Should does not take you anywhere. It leaves you in a barren field, covered in muck.

I mentioned disposable in another story. Perhaps a better word is easy. It’s easy to walk away. There are little consequences. Many in this cheating world thinks that.

We tell ourselves, that we’re not hurting anyone. That if we let them down easy, and say it’s not the right fit, or not what I’m looking for, or that life changed….that’s it’s okay.

It’s not OK. It fucking hurts.

The only truths you see is the one you learn yourself. What you are willing to accept or not. You have no way of knowing if the person on the other line, is feeding you a bunch of bullshit. None.

You have to learn to live with the consequences. I have to learn to live with the possibility that it’s all a lie, made up to get me into a bed or sucking cock as soon as possible. That even though they say they want to make me a long-term affair partner, I’m actually a one and done. Next.

And I have to accept the unknown in order to stay in this world. So I choose to accept the consequences or cost. I choose to cheat, and have the muck on my clothes, for that glorious moment when I can soar again.

Rebirth as a Cheating Wife was never supposed to be easy.

A reading list!