To My Darling Boo

Last Edited – April 1st 2017 at 21:18

Preamble:

I have been meaning to start a diary of things, I would share with you. Today is the day that I am finally going to start this. Even if I don’t get a chance to give it to you I can read through it and hopefully remember some of the things, I want to tell you. Then again, I may not even remember some of the things if they’re not pleasant. But that’s okay.

So I have just finished chapter 9 of the book which I bought yesterday and I really like it. It’s definitely a book which I am going to finish most probably within the week. Certain characteristics of the characters reminded me of myself and you. I just became very emotional and teary eyed thinking about the moment when police came to work with your belongings. The feeling was so overwhelming, the worst feeling ever. I hate thinking about it because it makes it real. It was so fresh but it still seems so fresh now. Every day I wonder how I’m going to get through this.

Just getting ready for work, brushing my hair, thinking about my pupil and how I can help her. She finds it hard to coordinate so she can control her steering and use of gas. It reminded me of you when you were small and didn’t have much coordination. I was determined you would gain some, the more you practiced and eventually you did. It just took patience and determination and you were at an age when you didn’t care what anyone thought of your dancing. Everyone thought you looked so cute and you really were.

Well the lesson went well, she made really good progress today and I think it was because of writing this for you. Someone asked me how I was feeling today and I said good, for the first time since I lost you. It felt really strange.

My best friend whom I went to primary school with tagged me in a post the other day. It directed me to this article:

It was such a good read and a relief, someone could put in writing what others need to understand and know about this experience. The writer has four children, one of which is now her only surviving child who isn’t very well. It was really consoling to see she could put something in writing which I and many others have found comforting. The most thoughtful element about it is she really tries to respond to every parent who comments on her blog. In one of her responses she wrote to one of the other parents and said she found it hard to reply when she first wrote the article but as time went on she managed to respond. Anyway reading this opened up a knot of ideas in my own mind. I’ve been thinking for a long time about writing and I have already decided, I’m definitely going to start a blog when I go away in July. But I also had an idea which I’m probably not going to write in my Apple notebook just in case someone steals my idea. So it’s there in my mind and I will put it down on paper. I think it will be something really nice to help me and other parents and their families through our difficult time together.

There have been so many things I have learnt to appreciate since you have been gone. One of the things which helps me feel peaceful is flowers. I was in Morrison’s yesterday and I saw this book which had some trees and flowers on the front cover. It was called “If not for you”. Underneath at the bottom of the cover it said, “Sometimes just one person can change your whole life”. How true this sounded to me, so out of curiosity I bought it and thought this could be another book, I could read cover to cover. Even though the synopsis didn’t sound appealing, I am already on chapter 10. So, I think it’s a winner and I will probably finish it by the end of the week.

April 1st 21:18

Well I finished the book within two days. It was really good, I think you would like it. I know you don’t really like reading because you find it hard but I didn’t really learn to read properly until I was at university. When I see you again your mind will be clear and it will be easier for you to understand the things you read.

I’m finding it really hard to do anything I enjoyed before. I’ve just started some bereavement counselling and you know we all hate the thought of talking to a stranger about the way we are feeling. But something they said to me this week was about when they first started their own counselling sessions. Their counsellor said to write a list of all the things they used to enjoy doing and do one of them, at least one of them every day. I explained everything which was on my mind and going on in my life and they said all they were hearing was about what I was doing for everybody else and I needed to start doing things for me. I think this is true, I need to take the time now to help with the healing process. It’s going to be such a long journey. But one thing I can say is that since you’ve been gone, I see life and everything around me in a completely different perspective. I appreciate things so much more, flowers, nature, all of gods creations, friendships and people who might be having difficulties in their lives. Even though I can’t do the things I used to enjoy, I think I should write a list of things I’ve always wanted to do.

Reading the book also made me think about my relationship with my brother and his wife. I haven’t been talking to your uncle at the moment. I’m always consider others and not saying anything to avoid upsetting anyone.

I was talking to the lady who looked after you in nursery today. We spoke for such a long time, I feel so sad about what happened to her too. She is so understanding, I am so glad she had opportunity to look after you when you were little. She is so understanding and I think when I meet with her I’m going to talk to her about the idea I had and didn’t want to write down. I think she would be good to talk to you about it.

Until next time my darling.

Love Mummy.x.x.x.💞💕💞