To Have Kids, or Not to Have Kids: That Is the Question
I am a man. I am a father. And I stand for this!
“To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish’d.”
William Shakespeare
“Good decisions are made out of love, not fear.” Kris Gage
I need to know, she said, do you want to have children?
I had met her a couple of weeks earlier.
«Before we go on with this,» she said.
«Yes?»
«I need to know — do you want to have children?»
I lent back, looked her deep into the eyes. My thoughts went a couple of weeks back in time. The night out in the city, when we met.
I saw her. From that very moment I had no doubt at all. I knew there was something. Something I did not want to lose again.
I asked her to dance. She looked quickly at me.
«Just a moment!» she said, and continued the conversation with the person on the other side.
And I stood there beneath her, waiting. Three minutes, five minutes, perhaps six, seven. Then, suddenly, she turned towards me. She seemed a little surprised.
«Oh! You are still there!»
I did not know what to reply. I could not find the appropriate answer. I nodded, I smiled. A foolish smile, I guess.
After that moment we were together every possible moment. After four days she came with me to my apartment and stayed over the night. Then she came the following night, and the nights thereafter.
It was one of those nights she looked at me. A serious look, and she was waiting for an answer:
«Before we go on with this,» she said.
«Yes?»
«I need to know,» she said, «do you want to have children?»
«Yes, I do.»
We have been together since that moment. We started our relationship being two adults, she in the beginning of her thirties, me in the end of my thirties. To grown-up human beings who found each other, a night out in the city.
The question of having children or not
The question of having children or not is being debated today, perhaps more than ever. For many people it is the most natural thing in the world. A majority of relationships are — at least in the beginning — meant to last “for ever”. We meet, we fall in love and we go for a life-long relationship. Together we want to create a family. We expect to watch children grow up and become young girls and boys. We see them becoming grown-ups just like ourselves. Then we watch them coming home to show us the love of their life. And in the coming years we see them having children and bringing them up, allowing us parents to be there for them, grandma and grandpa.
This is perhaps the “mainstream” experience, the one we are brought up to believe in, to adopt and make our own.
But many people do not go mainstream. At least not this mainstream. They do not feel this is the right path for them.
So what? It’s their plain right to feel different, to think different, to be different. It is every human being’s right to think that having children is not the right thing for them. Just like it is every human being’s right to think that having children absolutely is the right thing for them. It is to a large extent what gives meaning to life.
I do not know all aspects of this. I cannot and I do not want to judge other peoples’ decisions about having kids or not. But I can say that I am not hesitating on this issue. I am convinced and I have always been thinking that having children is one of the most important event in our lives. Getting children is a key part of the human condition.
“I don’t see joy when I see children; I see work.” Kris Gage
In the world today it is not difficult to think of arguments against having children. Many people will say the way the world is developing is catastrophic. We have the climate crisis, the pollution issues, the political development towards less democracy, more populism, fascism and more centralized governing, the atomic threath that still is hanging over us, although now less discussed in the medias. But we also can see positive evolution — there is progress despite of negative trends!
On the individual and private level there are also many arguments against having children in our world today. We all know of all the shit and stress and the enormous amounts of unpaid and ungrateful work parents have to deliver. I addition must be mentioned all the possible accidents that can occur, the threats from issues like physical and mental illnesses, depression, addictions to alcohol and/or drugs.
Despite of some painful life experience I still claim with strength and confidence that having children for me is the number one greatest event in my life, beneath finding the love of my life.
The possibility to watch my children grow up, develop, work and fight themselves their way in life has been and still is an outstanding pleasure. And sometimes they also give us the greatest joy when they give birth to new little human beings. We watch life go on as they grow. Little by little these fragile human beings discover and include in their universe us who are around them, parents and siblings, and aunts, uncles, grandma, grandpa. And they even have a great grandmother who is 93 and still has a clear mind and is with us to watch the small ones grow and develop.
If I should dare to give any advice to those who wonder if they are going to have children, then it must be the following:
→ Listen to your inner voice.
→ Think about whether you want to be a mom/dad.
→ Do not think you’re not good enough to be mom/dad. — You are!
→ Think of who is going to be father or mother of your children, is he/she the right person?
→ Think about whether the time is right (usually it is never).
Conclusion:
→ Be part of the world!
→ Take responsibility!
→ Listen to your inner voice.
→ Go ahead with your life!
I wish you a happy life.
LOVE
Øivind
“Make Your Dream Be Your Future”
