To Fuck or Not to Fuck, That Is the Question

And the answer is …

For Halloween, I decided to dress up like a Hamlet on mescaline this year.

My boyfriend was against the idea. “People will think you’re crazy, Sunshine. Wouldn’t it be better if you wore your slutty-nurse uniform like everybody else?”

“That’s so 2019. I want to be original, Jakob. I want to stand out from the usual crowd of slutty nurses and naked firemen. I want to be on stage, Jakob! I want to be the STAR and give my soliloquy. You understand?”

He didn’t understand, but I didn’t care. I was sick of Jakob anyway, so I dumped him.

When I told my sister, she wasn’t surprised. “I’ve never trusted Tinder, and I never will. I can never forgive them for all the shitty boyfriends you found there,” she said. [Sis’ always has my back. I love her for that.]

She’s much more conventional and will dress up as a dragon for Halloween, while her husband will be Saint George. They do it each year because she likes when he slays her with his long sword in the middle of the living room after the party. It’s the only time of the year she gets to be kinky. [I feel bad for her, but she seems happy.]

I’m the weirdo in our family. I’m the type of girl who orders a pizza by saying I would like one of these wheels of dough covered in blood and semen but without green testicles.

“You can come to my party dressed however you want, and if it’s Hamlet you choose, I’ll build a stage for you.” My lovely sister said. I think she lives some of her fantasies through me.

Came Halloween, I had the usual fight with our little brother. It’s been going on since were six and eight. Twenty years later, we were still at it.

“Hello, moron!”

“I know you are, but what am I?”

“Hello, jerk!”

“I know you are, but what am I?”

And on and on, until one of us punched the other in the stomach. Usual family fun.

At midnight it was time for my show. My sister had prepared a stage in her garden. I went up there and gave my soliloquy to a crowd of drunk slutty nurses and naked firemen while Saint George was slaying the dragon backstage. I was disappointed, but my sister told me she could hear me from there. And she said she loved my slutty take on Shakespeare. [I think she’s too generous]

To fuck, or not to fuck: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suck The dicks and balls of my ex-boyfriends, Or to take dildos against a sea of luscious thoughts, And by masturbating end them? To climax: to orgasm; No more; and by an orgasm to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish’d.

After the “show,” I realized I needed flesh, not silicon. My sister refused to lend me Saint George’s sword, and I was never into naked firemen. So I went to my favorite club, The Mirage. The name is ironic. The owner wanted people to understand that their hopes of finding a decent mate in a nightclub were ridiculous and unrealistic.

Things got wild.

There were rugby players who called themselves the Merry Wives of Eden Park. Big fans of Shakespeare, they asked me to perform my soliloquy again and circle-jerked me during the show. In the end, I jumped up and down in the puddle of semen and got everyone all wet.

Fun night.

I invited them all home to clean themselves, and, in return, they gave a clear answer to my question.

Sonja likes it up and down, left and right. Follow her on Medium or in real life; you won’t regret it. Use this referral link to get the full Medium experience. She’ll tease her nipples with the few dollars from the commission.

Thank you, Jonathon Sawyer for the prompt. I think I scored the full 14 points!

My sister never trusted Tinder: +2 points
My sister dressing up as a dragon for Halloween: +1 point
Ordering pizza without using the word pizza: +2 points
“I know you are, but what am I?”: +1 point
Hamlet Soliloquy: +5 points
The Mirage nightclub: +1 point
The puddle made by the rugby players: +1 point
This section: +1 point