Personal Development

To be Unhappy, Chase Happiness

To be happy, cultivate fulfillment. Here’s how…

The Promise or the Deception?

The deceptive promise of happiness. For it, no price is too high.

This must be true because it’s what you’ve always been told. Now close your eyes; and see that it’s also what you’ve been sold.

We sit and wait for happiness. But it doesn’t show up. So we set out in active pursuit, bending happiness to our will; pleading with it to grace us with its presence.

I’m coming after you. In hot pursuit. Chasing you the way a starving artist chases his next meal. Because that’s how desperately I need you. I will out think you. Out smart you. Out hustle you. Because I know that only you can give me what I want. What I deserve.

And so for the promise of happiness, we move mountains:

We marry the guy, even though he interrupts our soul. We accept the job, even though it completely messes with our flow.

We watch “happy” people on TV and look at “happy” people all around us. We mimic what they do. Because we deserve happiness too.

We too start to get massages twice a month; even though we secretly find little satisfaction in it. To us, it’s simply a stranger’s cold, unfamiliar hands, kneading into places that we would rather have left alone.

But we pretend to enjoy it. We hide the faint feeling of discomfort behind a smile. Because happy people enjoy massages.

We even force our husband, the same husband who interrupts our soul, to sell our current, very affordable house; to buy a bigger house, because happy people have big houses with guest rooms and extra bathrooms that they don’t ever use. And by god, we deserve that too.

And this promise of happiness that’s supposed to bring us light, somehow leaves us floundering in the dark.

We compare ourselves with others endlessly, though we never admit it.

We engage in low levels of envy, jealousy, and bitterness. Low enough levels to benefit from the illusion of imperceptibility.

But levels that speak to a gradual, descending darkness, that we struggle to hide from ourselves.

The Reality or the Hope?

We know this isn't working. This is not who we are. If this is what the promise of happiness renders, then we don’t want it. We can’t want it.

We are good people. People who do care about our friends and loved ones; people who want the best for humanity and this world.

So how did we fall into this trap? How did we get on this happiness chasing treadmill? And how do we get off?

We are tired of chasing happiness. Tired of what it represents — eating crap all day, doing stomach crunches every night, and wondering why we still can’t lose the annoying belly fat.

Schools should teach us that what chasing happiness most consistently guarantees — is ultimate unhappiness.

But this somehow is a carefully guarded secret. Because if the powers that be find out that we’re hip to the game, we might have some serious problems.

Because chasing happiness based on what we were taught, and how we were taught, keeps many institutions in business.

And not just bad institutions that are clearly out to get us, but really good ones too. Ones that existed and came into fruition for the common good, but are now so wrapped up in sustainability and longevity, that the price of continued existence now trumps original intentions.

The obvious scammers are unremarkable and easy to detect.

Like the credit card companies that at 19% interest rates promise you the gift of thousands of dollars of immediate access to capital.

The perceived cost? Only a signature and a few minutes of your time. The actual cost? Possibly a lifetime of some form of indentured servitude, where we promise to do anything to get them to waive fees and lower our interest rates.

At church, the pastor says that God will make you happy. At school, the teacher says that education will make you happy. At home, my mamma says that a husband (or wife) will make you happy.

The car salesman says that this new truck will make you happy. The realtor says this new house will make you happy. Your boss says a promotion will make you happy.

And after years of chasing it all you return to reality and question why something feels missing.

I was salivating over a particular dessert item at the fancy new restaurant in town. It looked decadent. Moist chocolate cake, lukewarm vanilla ice-cream, and the right portion of chocolate syrup on top.

Knowing I had to have it, I started negotiating with myself. I promised to not eat for an entire day. To exercise for two additional hours the next day. Anything to be able to have that cake.

And then the nice new waiter brings it to me. I have a tiny bite, then a bigger bite. I wait for the excitement and satisfaction to wash over me; for it to last for the rest of the evening. But something is missing.

This cake looks nothing like the picture. And let’s not mention the taste. Nothing is as promised. Something is missing. I’m not sure what — but I’m disappointed. I’m still waiting. Hoping that the next bite will taste more like what the picture of the cake promised.

When we chase happiness. We get overpriced, underwhelming, unsatisfying chocolate cake. We are disappointed. We question our choices. We question ourselves. We wonder what’s missing.

The Missing Piece or the Missing Peace?

What’s missing is fulfillment.

Happiness takes, while fulfillment gives. Happiness screams me, me, me! Fulfillment whispers — we, we, we. Happiness craves independence. Fulfillment gifts interdependence.

Happiness is what we want. Fulfillment is what we need.

We want a big house. We need a blessed home. We want big, elaborate gifts. We need tiny acts of kindness. We want a passion. We need a cause.

Pursuing happiness won’t get us through COVID, race riots, and a nerve-wracking election year.

Pursuing happiness won’t lower the staggering rates of loneliness, depression, anxiety, and mental health challenges plaguing this nation.

Pursuing happiness won’t eradicate the devastating levels of income inequality in the country; or right an unjust justice system.

Making moves away from happiness and towards fulfillment gives a fighting chance.

Whereas happiness is the pursuit of pleasure and dismissal of pain. Fulfillment recognizes pain and suffering as central to humanity. Fulfillment makes moves to minimize, endure, and learn from pain; and help others through theirs.

And whereas happiness bemoans hard work. Fulfillment recognizes the joy in hard work. The joy in rightful sacrifice, for worthwhile causes.

How Do We Get There?

We arrive at the fulfillment with simple yet profound questions:

• What’s the smallest yet most impactful thing that I can do to help today?
• What’s the smallest yet most impactful thing that I can do to serve today?
• What are the smallest yet most impactful ways in which I make a difference today?

We start with the smallest. Because the big questions paralyze us. They make us overthink, overanalyze, and second guess ourselves.

The smaller questions have easier and faster answers. We move more rapidly towards fulfillment. We get out of our heads more swiftly. We find small, then medium, then grand sized callings.

• 99% of the time, giving feels better than receiving.
• 99% of the time purpose is more enduring than passion.

Fulfillment requires cultivation. Much like all things meaningful, it doesn’t just fall on our laps. It requires daily practice.

We are clean because we shower every day. We are fit because we exercise every day. We are healthy because we eat right every day.

Non-obvious ways to practice fulfillment

• Declutter: Get rid of stuff taking up space in your house that you don’t need; list on Facebook Marketplace or Craigslist or Goodwill. Someone needs it more than you. And it builds your giving muscle.
• Lower your overhead: Get rid of the big things that keep you stuck in a job that you hate; a job that you are doing only to pay the bills. (i.e. the expensive house, the expensive car, etc) (See: 4 Dangerous Misunderstandings about Financial Freedom.) This gives you the mental, emotional and financial bandwidth to bless others, which is one of the best ways for you to feel full and thereby ful-fill.
• Reclaim your time: Do a time inventory. Take stock of how you spend your time, and with whom. Determine the extent to which you are using your time to impact people and causes that you care about and to practice productive interdependence over independence. Make adjustments wherever there are gaps. (See: One Devastating Lesson People Learn Too Late in Life)
• Set non-financial daily giving goals: Non-financial because sometimes when we involve money things become too complicated and we underestimate the variety of ways in which we can give. Send a thank you text to a friend, promise to give your child 2-minute hugs, drop off some of the hand-picked flowers from your backyard to your mom, etc.)

What do we do now?

If 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that so many of us are hurting. People are more anxious, depressed, and lonely than ever before. There’s a sense of loss and constant confusion. For some it’s an unpleasant dream, for others, it’s a debilitating nightmare.

There’s always a temptation to seek happiness through chaos. To sink even deeper into ourselves, to buy something to cheer ourselves up. Or to hoard the things that we think will make us happy, because the nation, the world seems bleak.

Since we fear the future, we chase happiness in the present even more.

But we have the power to change that. We can make moves to prioritize fulfillment, by focusing not only on ourselves but also on others.

We don’t need to move mountains or take giant leaps. I know, many of us are barely staying afloat ourselves. But we can take baby steps. We can ask simple questions. We can achieve big things — by starting small.

• What’s the smallest yet most impactful thing that I can do to help today?
• What’s the smallest yet most impactful thing that I can do to serve today?
• What are the smallest yet most impactful ways in which I make a difference today?

Now identify one thing and do it today. Respond to the call.