To All the Girls Who Were Taught to Be Nice — It’s Time to Release Your Warrior Woman

Let go of the “good girl” they told you to be.

The good girl smiles when she is seething inside.

She’s appropriate, polite, nice — a peace keeper.

She was taught to keep her composure, continue the conversation, and value being polite over being right. Weren’t we all? You brush it aside when it’s offensive, and quietly slip away to avoid “making a scene”. Good girls don’t cry in front of other people.

Because emotions are for behind closed doors.

She speaks when necessary; not forceful, never inappropriate. She knows the lines well and doesn’t cross them.

A good girl knows the expectations and does her best to fulfill them. She is even-toned, reads the room, and stays silent to avoid confrontation at all costs — all in the name of peace.

Don’t cuss, don’t talk about private matters, don’t degrade your body with tattoos or piercings. Hide your blemishes, wear things that are ladylike and feminine. Pretend that periods don’t exist.

And she only complains in private. Sweet, demure, compliant, agreeable — easy to get along with, no matter the situation.

She squirms but doesn’t openly protest an unwanted hand on her back, laughs off sexist remarks, and lets it slide over and over when the guys in the office ask her to bring them coffee, or buy more milk when it’s out. She’s used to suppressing the annoyance.

To the predatory, she appears willing and eager to please. She won’t say no. She won’t be angry. She can be discreet.

And she understands that family means more than what’s true, and what’s right. Or does it?

• “I know you said he was an asshole to you, but you have to give him a chance — he’s your cousin.” No, you don’t.
• “What do you mean he was hitting on you? I’m sure that’s not what happened.” It was.
• “Stop overreacting — he didn’t mean it.” Yes, he did.

And the cherry on top — “That’s just the way it is.” But too many people used that excuse. Just because that’s the way it is, doesn’t mean that’s the way it should be.

Like so many other girls, I was taught all of those things from a young age. Society and family told me in their own ways when I didn’t measure up, that I was meant to be seen and not heard, and meant to be nurturing and sweet, not strong-minded and a pot-stirrer.

Don’t speak your mind about controversial things — you’ll turn people away. Don’t tell him he’s wrong — you’ll emasculate him. Don’t be too loud or too fierce or too strong — you’ll end up alone. As if that were the ultimate failure.

Just sit still and look pretty. And for a long time, I did. Maybe you did, too.

But then, I realized that if that’s what I had to believe to be a good girl, I didn’t really want to be one anymore.

The warrior wanted to emerge. In so many of us, she’s been suppressed and scoffed at for far too long.

She’s the one who knows who she is and what she believes in. She’s quiet when she wants to be, when it’s kind, when it’s necessary — not solely when it’s deemed “appropriate”.

And she’s loud when things truly need to be talked about.

She’s fun, and kind, but not afraid of speaking up.

She smacks the unwanted hand away, refuses to brush pain under the rug just to keep the peace, and doesn’t stay silent just to appease those who are used to doing all the talking. She sees the line, walks right up to the edge, and challenges it when it needs to be challenged.

Your inner warrior can care deeply, and live her life fully invested. Not just skimming the surface — she understands passion and power and embraces them.

Kindness and compassion go a long way. She cares more than she wants to admit, and embraces emotion as part of being human, good and bad. Tears are natural. She knows this and is slowly letting go of the shame that society tells us is supposed to come as part of being emotional.

She loves you, but doesn’t need you. And that makes her love all the more wholesome. It’s authentic.

She’s not afraid to appreciate differences, and understands that not everyone is going to like her. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s not enough to pretend anymore.

The warrior woman isn’t afraid to love herself, to embrace flaws and feel sexy anyway, and to be so comfortable in her own skin that they’re all in awe.

She has anger. Fear. Sadness. Joy. Love. But come what may, she stays strong in who she is, and what she does and doesn’t deserve in this world.

And she knows “that’s just the way it is” isn’t a good enough answer.

She says no, demands more, proclaims her worth, and lifts up others who haven’t yet found their voice. She knows voices are meant to be used for good, and that sometimes that means using them to challenge those who have had too much power for too long.

Even if, to some, it makes her a “pot-stirrer” or an “angry woman”. Perhaps they don’t understand. Or perhaps they just don’t want to.

She understands that change is hard, but life lived on your own terms is worth fighting for.

And isn’t that what each of us wants?

Slowly but surely, it’s time to let go of a lifetime of good girl and become your warrior woman. The world needs her now — her voice, her courage, her strength, and her will to live authentically and with the passion to make a change. I need her now. You need her now.

And she’s in all of us.

We just need to let her out.

© Samantha Blake 2020